Nič nisi, kar nisi.

Odprem si pivo in se udobno zleknem v stol v kotu mojega novega zelenega raja na balkonu. Gledam liste, ki se počasi zibajo v vetru in poslušam avtomobile, ki se vozijo mimo stavbe. Prižgem male lučke med monsterami in se nasmehnem ob trenutku iskrenega zadovoljstva. Razmišljam, kje naj sploh začnem s pisanjem ob vsem, kar se dogaja zadnje dni v moji duši. Že dolgo nisem čutila toliko sebe v svetu in sveta v sebi. Toliko ljubezni do vsega kar smo in vsega, v kar lahko zrastemo v čistini lastnih misli, stran od hrupa šibkosti modernega človeka.

Že nekaj dni razmišljam o razlogih, ki človeka strgajo iz lastne pristnosti in ga oropajo edine resnice, ki jo zares pozna. Razmišljam o sposobnostih, ki jih ima človek, da odigra tisoč različnih vlog v odnosih do drugih ljudi, ko pa je edina resnična vloga točno to, kar je. Razmišljam, kako je mogoče, da delaš tako grdo s seboj in se zapiraš med stene tujih soban, ko pa je tvoja lastna prostorna kot samo vesolje. Brez višine, brez širine, brez globine, brez dna, brez stropa. Brez idej o lastni nevrednosti in brez potrebe po tekmovanju z drugimi ljudmi. Brez potrebe po pretvarjanju, brez bolestne tekme s časom in samim sabo. Brez poniževanja drugih v tem, kdo so in brez poveličevanja sebe v tem, kar misliš, da si. Ves čas se mi v glavi predvaja znova in znova ena sama misel in kamorkoli se obračam, pot pripelje nazaj do nje. Zgleda preprosta in pusta, pa vendar mislim, da nosi univerzalno resnico celega vesolja.

Nič nisi, kar nisi.

Pogled dvignem v krošnje dreves in se zavem, kako izgubim stik s svetom vsakič, ko odtavam v lastne misli. Kako brezčasna sem v zavetju svoje energije in kako dobro in mirno se počutim brez kričanja sveta. Kako povsem dovolj je trenutek pristnega zavedanja lastne biti v primerjavi z nešteto urami praznega občutka bojevanja proti času v družbi praznih pogovorov in plastičnih obrazov. Kako osvobajajoče je slišati globino lastnih misli in vdihniti veličino obstajanja v resničnem trenutku. Za trenutek mi gre malo na jok ob misli, da bi se lahko v trenutku šibkosti kdaj spet spustila in trdno si obljubim, da nikdar in nikoli več. Globoko vdihnem in izdihnem in hvaležno pogledam v nebo. Kako čudovit svet.

Nič nisi, kar nisi. Misel je na koncu zgodbe razumevanja sebe, ampak naj razložim od začetka. Ko se rodiš in si položen v toplo naročje, preden se nate zgrne teža celega sveta, si čudovit in vreden in pod tabo leži celo vesolje. Ti si celo vesolje. Zaslužiš si neomejeno in še več in ene stvari ni na celem svetu, ki bi bila bolj čudovita od vsakega tvojega vdiha in premika male ročice. Brez vedenja o kompleksni strukturi človeškega bolestnega obstoja z odprtimi rokami in verujočo dušo sprejemaš vse, kar pade v tvojo energijo. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, kdo je. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, kdo ne more biti. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, da ni dovolj. Nekje na tvojem čudovitem popotovanju si to ujel od nekoga, ki si ga visoko cenil ali globoko ljubil. Zažrlo se je v tvojo zavest in okoli tega stkalo cel sistem verovanja, ki ne more biti postavljen drugače, kot na teh krhkih temeljih. Malo odrasteš, dobro že razumeš hierarhijo v družini, v odnosih. Opazuješ svet okoli sebe. Lajki, komentarji. Storyi umetne sreče. Fotkanje na sprehodu, fotkanje na večerji, fotkanje na kosilu, fotkanje na rojstnem dnevu, fotkanje na izletu, fotkanje s psom, fotkanje s prijateljico, fotkanje s fantom, fotkanje v fitnesu, fotkanje v trgovini, fotkanje na vsakem koraku. Čutiš, da veš, kdo si, ampak misel se iz dneva v dan bolj umika v poplavi slavospevov dodelanim postavam in razdajanju telesnih užitkov. Podvomiš v težo resničnih odnosov in odtavaš v svet posnetkov in fotk histerične sreče in sexa. Popolni lasje, popolna telesa, popolni partnerji, popolna koža, popolna oblačila, popolni prijatelji, popolna življenja. Pogledaš okrog sebe in sam si v sobi. Pogled občudujoče vrneš v ekran. Kdo na svetu bi si sploh želel biti kot ti? Hitro objaviš nasmejan story, kako napol nag gledaš film. Lajki, inboxi, cel svet ti je na dlani. Obleke dol, slike gor. Pogovor stran, telefon na mizo. Kdo bi se rad pogovarjal o odgovornosti, dajmo reči raje kakšno o novi punci tvojega bivšega fanta. Kako slaba in ničvredna je, da se vsaj za trenutek bolje počutiš ob misli, kako preprosto zamenljivi smo v vseh površinskih stvareh. Več svojih slik na splet, več ljudi v svoj doseg. Manj iskrenega sebe, več tržnih potez. Denar v obleke, denar v nov telefon za boljše slike. Stran od globokih odnosov, da te slučajno človek z iskrenim interesom ne vpraša, kdo si. Na površinski ravni nihče ne razočara. Čim več ljudi, da je vedno nekdo na dosegu roke, da ne ostaneš sam s seboj v sobi. Še dobro, da vedno ostane telefon. Ne pozabi ga imeti s seboj na mizi pri družinskem kosilu. Ne pozabi ga na kavču s svojim partnerjem in v postelji. Ne objavljaj svojega sprehoda, prodaja se sex. Razen, če si v legicah ali brez majice. Tako si lahko v vsem sijaju svoj najboljši jaz. Ne glede na vse, kar zgradiš okoli sebe. Nič nisi, kar nisi. In nikoli ne boš. Res ne vidiš, da po svojih najboljših močeh divje tečeš stran od sebe? Iščeš priložnostne pozornosti, prodajaš svoj videz za trenutke umetne ljubezni in se pretvarjaš, da nimaš kaj dati. Iščeš ljudi z nizkimi pričakovanji, ker tam ne rabiš biti najboljša verzija sebe. Ker tam ne rabiš biti izjemen in ker tam ne odgovarjaš za lastne šibkosti. Ampak dragi človek. Mar res ne razumeš, da si vreden kolikor daš? Koliko tebe je v odnosih? Kako težko zamenljiv si? S svojim lepim telesom, to je tvoj best shot? Z lepim obrazom, res? Ne vidiš svetovnega spleta? Ne moreš se primerjati z lepoto in sexom, ki leži praktično na vsakem koraku. Ljudje živijo za to, da se dokazujejo en pred drugim, da tekmujejo v doživetjih, da so poželjivi. Da poskusim drugače. Bi človek, ki ga, če priznaš ali ne, tako obupano iščeš, izbral nekoga, kot si ti?

Tavamo iz dneva v dan in si polnimo trenutke z neštetimi stiki. Kot, da smo v filmu in je vse tako irelevantno. Skačemo od enega do drugega, ure in ure visimo na telefonih. Kot da ne bomo nikdar dohiteli sami sebe. Pogovarjamo se o drugih ljudeh in neumorno bulimo v sosedovo zeleno trato. Spregledamo izjemne ljudi v svojem življenju, obsedeni z divjimi doživetji, ki so nam tako preprosto na dlani. Ena pijana noč, druga. Dotiki tujcev, pogovori po telefonu, ignoriranje, drame, občutek manjvrednosti, jeza, maščevanje, nov človek, nov dotik, nov višek, padec. Ignoriraj čustva, ne obremenjuj se, fotka za na internet, novi lajki, nov višek. Nov pogovor, nove slike, nov sex. Višek. Padec. Telefon, višek, padec. Padec, padec. Pijana noč, inbox, komentiraš story, nov pogovor, nov obraz, nov višek, nova potrditev, nov padec, ni problema. Sex, nov obraz, nov pogovor, višek. Če boš dovolj dobro skrival sebe, ti nihče ne more do živega. Nasmeh, fotka, nov story. Vsi glejte mojo srečo. Lažen profil, gledaš kaj počne edini človek, ki je v tebi videl, kar res si. Ne pokaži čustev, to nikogar ne zanima. Jeza, nazaj na svoj profil. Fotka. Več kože, več sporočil, novi obrazi, za danes pozabiš, višek, padec, višek, padec. Padeš v posteljo, pozna ura, nehotene misli. Prazen občutek, spomini na občutek pripadanja. Na občutek svobode biti nekdo, ki je vse druga kot pa le lep obraz. Telefon v roke, gledat srečo drugih. Telefon v roke, obsesirat s telesi drugih. Stran od sebe, čim dlje. Stran od zvoka svojih misli, čeprav veš, da obupano kličeš sam po sebi.

Česa se bojiš? Nič nisi, kar nisi in ne sili se več, da bi bil. Ne potrebuješ vseh teh ljudi, da se slinijo po tebi. Ne rabiš biti en od teh ljudi, ki se slinijo po drugih. Si res ponosen, da si številka na slikah drugih človeških produktov? Da si en od mnogih v bazenu tekmovanja za pozornost ljudi, ki se zaradi lepote v naši primitivni družbi rangirajo višje od drugih? Ne glede na to, kaj skušaš narediti iz sebe, ne bo šlo. Ne moreš ubežati samemu sebi. Kdo si brez telefona? Kdo si brez drugih ljudi? Kaj daješ? Kdo si do sebe? Delaš lepo s seboj? Paziš na svojo dušo? Paziš na druge? Koliko ljudi si prizadel v svoji sebičnosti? In bodi iskren do sebe, vsaj enkrat. Lažeš, ko te rešuje? Si dorasel temu, kar misliš, da si zaslužiš? Koliko ljudi imaš, ki te poznajo v dno duše? Koliko ljudi vidi v tebi najbolj čudovito bitje na svetu? Koliko ljudi lahko mirno zaspi ob misli, da se lahko zanesejo nate? Si ponosen na to, kar počneš in kaj razmišljaš? Bi razkril vse, kar si, nekomu, ki ga spoštuješ bolj kot vse v svojem življenju? Kaj si želiš? Koga si želiš? Sprejemaš dobre odločitve? Sploh veš, kaj je dobro zate ali iz dneva v dan hodiš po sebi skupaj z vsemi drugimi? Koliko ljudi spusti vse iz rok in ure in ure sedi s teboj, da deliš z njimi svoje misli? Ne s kom si bil. Ne kje si bil. Sebe. Globoko in iskreno – sebe.

Ne glede na to, koliko vlog znaš odigrati in kako dobro si zapolniš dneve z drugimi, vesolje te bo v tišini vedno pripeljalo k sebi. In k pravim ljudem. K tvoji energiji, bliže tvoji resnici. Če ne živiš sebe, ne moreš v življenje pripeljati nikogar, ki ti je namenjen. In vse, kar slepo počneš proti sebi, te samo pelje dlje in dlje od tvojega resničnega doživetja te kratke izkušnje na zemlji. Vsi površinski pogovori, vse ure in ure na telefonu, vsi brezpredmetni odnosi – sam veš, da si zaslužiš več. Da to ni tvoje življenje. Ker nisi srečen. Ker čutiš, da si lahko velik in čudovit in največja, najboljša verzija sebe. Ne samo kadar so ljudje okoli tebe in kadar imaš poplavo sporočil in ko se samo prestavljaš iz pijače na pijačo. Ko si sam v sobi. Brez telefona. Brez drugih. V svoji glavi, s svojimi mislimi. Srečen in zadovoljen. Miren. Ko si končno to, kar si. Ker ne moreš biti nič, kar nisi. Ne glede na to, kako velik je tvoj nasmeh na slikah, koliko ljudi zleze s teboj v posteljo, koliko denarja imaš, kako uspešna je tvoja kariera. Konec dneva si samo kar je v tvoji glavi in srcu. Prenehaj z bolestnim lovljenjem poceni viškov. Zadihaj, vrni se k sebi. Veš kdo si, samo včasih se človeku zgodi, da malo pozabi. Kljub utvaram bleščečega virtualnega sveta ti je dosegljivo le tisto, kar si in ne more biti dosegljivo tisto, kar nisi. Karkoli se pretvarjaš, da si, četudi nevede, nisi. Vedno boš lahko le to, kar si. Sprejmi to. Niti predstavljaš si ne, kako zelo najbolj dovolj na celem svetu si točno s tem, kar si.

Ko začneš iskreno, brez zadržkov komunicirati svoje misli in čustva, postaneš neustrašna verzija sebe. Neizogibno začneš eliminirati ljudi, ki ne ravnajo s teboj skladno s tvojo predstavo odnosov. Izogibati se začneš toksičnim ljudem. Spet stopiš korak bliže sebi in svoji resnici. Prosiš za to, kar rabiš od človeka in si pripravljen isto ponuditi v zameno. Premisliš o svojih standardih in se zaveš, da so odsev tvoje samopodobe. Izbiraš ljudi, ki ne veš nič o njih, ampak izgledajo dobro? Torej je pogoj, da te nekdo dobi, le to, da dobro izgleda. Resnica te bo dohitela in ne bo lepo, ko te bo. Zravnaj se in popravi svoja ramena nazaj. Nisi po okusu vseh in tu je tvoj univerzalni ponos v drugačnosti. Veš kdo si in veš, kdo nosi potencial tvojega razcveta. In spet stopiš s tem, ko iščeš svojo resnico, bliže sebi. In preden se zaveš, se tvoje življenje postavlja na novo. Namesto lajkov bo objem. Namesto petih sporočil bo iskren poljub. Namesto Instagrama do treh zjutraj bo pogovor do sončnega vzhoda. Zaslužiš si in dosegljivo ti je že zdaj, obljubim. Samo brez izgovora nadaljuj z resnico do sebe in drugih, tudi ko morda ne vidiš cilja v vsem tem. Zaupaj.

Končno vsemu, kar sem napisala, spet verjamem z vsakim atomom sebe. Meditiram, berem knjige. Hodim na sprehode, urejam stanovanje. Pišem blog, klepetam z bratom. Klepetam z babico, klepetam s sostanovalci. Ustavim se na blagajni in mimogrede dam kakšen kompliment prodajalki. Grem na jezero s kolegico, pustim telefon v avtu. Klepetava 5 ur in malo jokava od sreče, kako lepo je biti tako svoboden, stran od vsega neresničnega. Gledam dokumentarce, poslušam predavanja. Sama preživim cel dan na morju in doživim en kup prelepih stvari. Poslušam dobro glasbo, plešem. Treniram, jem dobro hrano. Odprem si pivo in se udobno zleknem v stol v kotu mojega novega zelenega raja na balkonu. Gledam liste, ki se počasi zibajo v vetru in poslušam avtomobile, ki se vozijo mimo stavbe. Prižgem male lučke med monsterami in se nasmehnem ob trenutku iskrenega zadovoljstva. Razmišljam, kje naj sploh začnem s pisanjem ob vsem, kar se dogaja zadnje dni v moji duši. Že dolgo nisem čutila toliko sebe v svetu in sveta v sebi. Toliko ljubezni do vsega kar smo in vsega, v kar lahko zrastemo v čistini lastnih misli, stran od hrupa šibkosti modernega človeka.

Pa tako je preprosto.

Polna smeri in prazna razlogov se znajdem pred največjo črnino v svojem življenju, ki me postavi v groteskno radovednost. Gledam v njo in s časom pogleda nazaj vame. Razumem, kako ogromno veliki in hkrati porazno mali smo bili v Nietzschejevih očeh. Tako velikih duš in tako malega razumevanja. Tako velikih potencialov in v vesoljni večini tako malih zgodb. Malo se ustavim in se potolažim s klišjeskim “vsi smo lepi in čudoviti na svoj način”. Potem pa se v naslednjem dihu namrščim ob očitnem mišljenju, da smo torej vsi enaki in povprečni v svoji neenakosti. Zamislim se, zakaj sem tako nemirna ob tej misli in enostavno ne pustim naravi, da me pelje od zibke do groba po zgornji strani oblaka in ne ves čas skozi jame in navzdol in v globine in v nekončane stavke in zgodbe sebe in ljudi. Dam si še en vzdih in se spet lotim, kot že tisočkrat, sebe.

V zadnjem času, ko je svet začel počasi poklekati pod težo okužb, rasizma in umazanih globin umov, sem se neštetokrat zalotila v otopelem doživljanju časa in upiranju preprostosti doživljaja. Zalotila sem se v iskanju nesreče in v iskanju lastnih napak. Če sem jih bila v trenutku prešibka priznati, sem jih našla v krutem svetu in grešnikih okoli sebe. Okrog in okrog luči so se nabrala morja sivih senc in vedno težje je bilo dihati skozi lastna pljuča.

Za pobeg težki energiji resničnega življenja sem iskala cenene stimulacije na socialnih omrežjih in kmalu ugotovila, da moja pot ni vredna niti ostankov sreče, ki se me zaradi nenadne osamitve še držijo. Da v primerjavi s popolnimi zobmi, okroglimi ritmi in D košaricami nisem niti na spodnji meji lestvice lepotic tega sveta. Da je moje trdo delo, ki sem ga vlagala v svoje plesno znanje, pravzaprav žalosten izgovor za komajda hobi in da po številu ogledov in všečkov ne ugajam niti večini znancev, kaj šele makro okolici. Da moji prihranki omogočajo redno plačevanje položnic in pa nekaj novih kosov oblačil na mesec, da bom na novem videu morda všeč še kakšnim novim očem. Oklofutam se in se prepričam, da te bitke ne bom izgubila. Postavim plan, vstanem vsakič in vedno in znova in znova ob 6ih zjutraj, intenzivno telovadim, dobro jem, veliko plešem, snemam in ostajam pozitivna. Odziv na omrežjih pa hladen do občasnega mlačnega špuka vode. Začnem razmišljati, če sem morda tako povprečna, da je ljudem škoda časa, da spremljajo mojo zgodbo. Odprem TikTok in vidim morje gibalno neizobraženih ljudi, ki se šibijo pod težo pozornosti svojih več stotisočih oboževalcev. Malo v nedrčku in malo v kratkih hlačkah, tona ličil in dober filter. Zravnam se in si dam še močnejšo streznitveno klofuto. Ne dam se, do konca se ne dam. Oblečem si športni top, pokažem trebušček in naredim vse po knjigi. Malo seksi, malo vzvišenega odnosa, malo nagajivo, plesno zadovoljivo. Objavim in se veselim svojih prihajajočih uspehov. Čakam na nedefiniran dogodek in tonem vedno globje v črni vodi občutka nepomembnosti. Mnenje ljubljenih ljudi izgubi vrednost in čas preživljam v iskanju svojih napak. Primerjam se z neralnimi liki socialnih omrežij in počasi sprejmem, da je moja pot žal končana. Da nisem več stara 16, da več kot očitno nikoli ne bom uspešna, da mi ne pomagajo vse telovadbe sveta in da niti nimam dovolj denarja za vse potrebne plastične operacije. Žalostno izdihnem in si priznam, da sem tokrat žal poražena. Da sem bila pripravljena slediti trendom in da sem poskusila biti kot vsi ostali, zares. Ampak ne morem več. Zaprem se vase in stresam jezo na ves vesoljni obstoj. Ne morem spati, ne smejim se več. Kreativna duša ugaša. Izgubljam ljubezen do ustvarjanja in do eksistence same. In potem prileti zadnja klofuta. Kje nisem uspela? Ne najdem odgovora. Je to sploh moj cilj? Všečki in sledilci? Podvomim, koliko si sploh lahko na tej točki zaupam. Kaj si sploh želim?

Zbegano tavam po objavah in se ne morem odločiti, ali si želim biti noro lepa, noro seksi ali noro talentirana. Mogoče noro bogata? Ne vem. Eliminiram eno stvar za drugo in ugotovim, da tavam. Ugotovim, da visim na tisoč nitih priložnosti, ki so v zmedenih poskusih vse zvozlane okoli mojega vratu. In končno uvidim, da sem vse strele zgrešila, ker niti merila nisem. Prevzame me val energije in začutim, kako se lomim v sebi. Kako krivično sem ravnala s sabo in kako sem od vseh okoli sebe, najhuje storila sebi ravno sama. Kako sem se razvrednotila in iz sebe naredila produkt. Kako sem obrnila hrbet vsem prepričanjem in kako sem si pustila, da zgubim stik s seboj. Kako sem preslišala lastne krike in kako sem se obrnila od lastne prošnje za pomoč. Daleč pod gladino, z zadnjimi atomi moči in zadnjimi ostanki sape, se poženem proti soncu, nazaj v življenje.

 Stopim korak nazaj. Izklopim vsa obvestila socialnih omrežij in končno zbrišem TikTok. Preberem dober članek Jordana Petersona in zajokam od sreče. Čutim, kako se vrne delček čudovitih misli. Globoko vdihnem in ugotovim kako zelo sem se pogrešala. Kako zelo si ne želim biti kakor ostali, kot kdorkoli drug. Vem, kdo sem in vem, kdo želim biti. Kako zelo si želim brati in biti razgledana. Kako zelo si želim biti zaupanja vredna in biti razlog, da verjameš v dobre ljudi. Kako zelo lepo je življenje, polno preizkušenj in kako zelo mi je vseeno za lajke. Kako zelo si želim biti dobra plesalka in kako se veslim spet sonca na obrazu. Kako rada treniram in kako vidim zdaj v gibanju stvari, ki jih prej nisem. Kako srečna sem, ker čutim nova obzorja svoje kreative. Ker zaupam v svoj korak. Spet in še bolj. Samozavestno in močno bom ustvarjala, brez iskanja mnenj in brez iskanja tvojega nasmeha in prikimavanja. Brez sklanjanja glave in brez umikanja. Kančno iz dna duše razumem, kako je pot pomembnejša od cilja. Kako posebna sem s tem, ko nočem biti del vzorca in iščem svojo moč. Kako glasne so moje misli in kako se zaradi kogarkoli ne bom nikoli več počutila mala in nepomembna. Moj glas bo slišan skozi mojo lastno zgodbo, ne tvojo. In dragi Instagram, hvala za vse. Hvala, da sem videla, kako dobro ljudje unovčijo svoje telo, svojo lepoto, svojo umetnost, svoje sporočilo. Hvala socialnim omrežjem, da so me pripeljala na rob in da sem tako dolgo zrla v globino, da mi je postala domača. Hvala vsem, ki ste z mano na treningih. Vsem, ki se dvignete izza telefona, da mi podarite del svojega časa in čudoviti resnični del sebe. Hvala vsem, ki ste mi pokazali, kako dolga je razdalja med objavo in resničnim svetom. Kako velik je lahko nasmeh na sliki in kako debele solze za ekranom. Upam, da se imaš dovolj rad, da še slišiš svoj glas. Upam, da vsaj približno dosegaš svoj imidž s socialnih omrežij in da slika v ogledalu ne postaja pretežka. Upam, da imaš nekoga, ki ti kaže, da si ljubljen bolj kot si lahko sploh predstavljaš. In upam, da imaš sebe, še z zadnjimi sapami, da se odženeš proti gladini. Resnično življenje te čaka.

Tjaša

Ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Življenje ni lahko in ni preprosto. Je lepo, vsekakor, z vsem kar je in kar prinese. Ni pa lahko in ni preprosto. Utrujena sem od izzivov, od teže neumnosti lastnih pričakovanj, malo tudi od ljudi. Malo od stalnega dela s samo sabo in malo od frustracije zaradi visokih standardov, ki si jih postavljam. Nisem preveč zadovoljna z nekaj odločitvami, ki sem jih sprejela v zadnjem času kljub količini časa, ki jo vložim v razmišljanje o sebi. Malo razočarana, malo utrujena. In mogoče se bo zdelo tole daleč od dobre volje in lahke energije ampak nimam potrebe, da more nastati izpod mojih prstov karkoli po kakršnihkoli merilih.

Veliko razmišljam kdo sem in kam grem. Če sem zadovoljna, kjer sem in če nisem, zakaj ne. Vedno znova se vrnem vase. Napačne odločitve, slab premislek, impulzivna dejanja. Izguba občutka lastne vrednosti zaradi dejanj drugih ljudi, zaradi smernic družbe. Občutek, da morem tekmovati za odobravanje in pozornost nekaterih ljudi, ker po izkušnjah in opažanjih življenja okoli sebe ne prevlada dobro srce ampak dobra rit. Ker smo v katalogu in  ker se skoraj nihče več ne pogovarja. Ker živim za trenutke, ko lahko nekaj ur poslušam in govorim in sem hvaležna za čas nekoga. Za trenutke, ko me nekdo ne skuša gledališko izigrat, ker dobro ve kdo je in koliko je vreden. Pa ne na socialnem omrežju in ne na podlagi pozornosti, ki jo je navajen. Na podlagi globokega, dobro konstruiranega premisleka in besed, ki božajo razmišljujoči um. Na podlagi tega, da se obrača k dobrem in ve, kdo je in kaj misli, ker je vložil čas vase in ker ne dela neumnih napak in se pretvarja, da jih ne razume. Srečna sem, da imam v življenju nekaj oseb, ki so globoko razmišljujoči, intelektualni in dobri ljudje. Iskreni, kompleksni, poduhovljeni, v stiku s sabo. In dajejo mi upanje, da je prostor pod soncem in v sebi, kjer je preprosto in iskreno. Kjer si odgovoren za vse kar si in je prijetno. Ker si končno vse, kar bi človek moral biti. 

Tako preprosto je dvigniti prst in ga nameriti v obraz nesrečne duše, ki te je tako ogabno ponižala in pustila na cedilu. Udarjati s stisnjenimi pestmi po imenu, ki ga nosi in prepevati sovražne misli, ki spletejo gosto mrežo okoli lastne biti, da do nje niti prideš ne. Da ostane na varnem v notranjosti skrita, oblečena v zgodbe vseh bolečin in krivic sveta. Da si nadene obraz izgubljenih upanj in da se ponižno poda v roke slepih objemov, ki iščejo lastno odrešitev v reševanju tebe. Pa vendar, ko brišeš prah z odseva svojega obraza pod masko tragičnega protagonista – ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Verjameš v resnico, ki jo nosiš? Si človek načel, visoke morale, lepih besed in nesebičnih dejanj? Si rama, ki jo potrebuje objokano lice, so tvoje besede čiste in ne ponižujejo bitij v pravici do vsega, kar smejo biti pod soncem? Si nekdo, ki je prava in varna odločitev za vlaganje ljubezni, upanja in smisla? Pustiš dihati, pustiš rasti, pustiš biti?

Ali pa morda vsakič, ko voda steče v tankem curku mimo tvojega mlina, izgubiš občutek za besedo, predanost in svoje ponižno mesto v vesolju? Zahtevaš opravičila, objokovanje, poveličevanje in poniževanje pod tvojimi stopali? Je vrednost ostalih postavljena po vrednosti, ki jo ti vidiš v njihovih očeh? Je nekdo tvoj človek le dokler služi tvojim pričakovanjem in zahtevam, medtem, ko ti zahtevaš popolno predanost in razumevanje čez človeške meje? So tvoji trenutki na voljo le dokler besede božajo tvoja ušesa in nihče ne pride blizu tvoji globoko v mreže objeti biti, dokler nihče ne poseže v gnezdo tvojih napak in laži? Je nekdo vreden pozornosti le dokler se igra s teboj igro tragične žrtve vseh trenutkov tvojega obstoja? Skačeš iz objema v objem, dokler se vedno in znova ne iztrošijo do praznine in naprej? Ko se ti zamaje samooklicana krona, koliko kraljevega ostane v tebi? Ne preveč, kaj? Pa vendar zahtevaš prestol za vsako ceno.

Z dvignjeno glavo stopaš čez ljudi in jim očitaš nerazumevanje medtem, ko nevede objokuješ nesrečo lastne nevednosti. Preslišiš vse nasvete, vse besede dobre vere in se varuješ pred najmanjšim očitkom, da morda nisi čist, kot bi želel verjeti, da si. Ignoriraš propadanje lastnega sveta s samodestruktivnimi odločitvami, ki jih potem objokuješ in se kaznuješ za njih tako, da v svojo nesrečno vlečeš ljudi, ki te imajo radi. Odrivaš jih od sebe in zahtevaš, da ti stojijo ob boku. Kričiš, da nihče ne razume, a nikakor nočeš razumeti niti sam. Vrtiš se v krogih istih napak in ustvarjaš črtno risbo samega sebe, da se lažje zbudiš sam s seboj. Obračaš se stran od očitnih znakov in si zatiskaš oči pred dejstvom, da vsak piše svojo zgodbo. Da je vsako poglavje dialog naših odločitev in posledic in da se slovnične napake odpravijo le z dobro moralo. Obsedeno gledaš v oči vseh okrog sebe in gradiš svoj odsev v njihovih pogledih, dokler mu ne verjameš celo sam. Ustvarjaš sliko prelepega boga, katerega svetišče stoji na rokah vseh okrog sebe, razen svojih in povrh vsega si nesrečen, ker ne stoji trdno. Ampak nekako te življenje vedno dohiti. Kamorkoli se obrneš, stopiš, tečeš, vedno si v koraku s sabo. Veš, zakaj vsa nesreča v tvojem življenju. Veš, zakaj vse kazni. Veš, zakaj vse tesnoba in zakaj vsa bolečina. Veš, zakaj nimaš vsega, kar želiš. Imaš pa točno vse, kar si zaslužiš, dobro in slabo. Ničemur ne ubežimo in vsaka odločitev prinese svojo sodbo. Vse kar rečeš, storiš, misliš. Vse je resnično, vse obstaja, tudi če z zobmi braniš pred zunanjim svetom. Pretvarjaš se, da se je zgrnilo nate celo vesolje in da ti je sojena nesreča. Nase si se zgrnil sam z vsem kar si in sodba je nikogaršnja, kot pa tvoja. Vsi odgovori so že podani in kdo bi te lahko poznal bolje, kot se poznaš sam? Pomisli še enkrat, iskreno, globoko. Mar nisi točno in pravično tam, kamor si se sam postavil?

Morda si v zablodi modernega sveta in odtujenosti odnosov pozabil, kakšnega človeka želiš in pričakuješ in na vse pretege trdiš, da si zaslužiš. Morda si pozabil, da dobiš kar daš in da nikomur nič ne pade v roke. Da vse velike stvari zahtevajo čas in da vsi globoki odnosi zahtevajo globoke duše. Da ne bo nobena napaka nekaznovana in nobena laž ostala skrita. Da si odgovoren za vse kar si in kar misliš in da kar gre okrog, pride okrog. Razumem, kaj vse želiš. Kako zelo bi te moral ljubiti človek, ki si bo zaslužil tvoj dih. Kako zelo opevana more biti tvoja inteligenca in karakter in oh in sploh vse, kar si. Kako ne boš trpel laži in prikrivanja in nespoštovanja. Ampak stop.

Si res sposoben biti divje predan, iskren, zvest? Besedno, miselno, duhovno, telesno? Sploh razumeš, kaj to pomeni? Razumeš, kaj pomeni biti vreden zaupanja? Si pomirjen z vsem kar si in ne prikrivaš z velikimi lažmi lastne nesposobnosti biti človeku človek? So tvoje misli zbrane globoko pod srcem in ne begajo po prostoru v iskanju občudujočih oči? Si spustil vse obsesivne seksualne misli o nešteto telesih na razstavah socialnih omrežij, si sposoben končno videti človeka kot spiritualno bitje in ne kot kos mesa? Veš kaj hočeš in ali veš kaj ponujaš? Si poln misli in opažanj o lastnem zavedanju? Nudiš duhovno zatočišče in nesebično svobodo? Si vreden zaupanja in se ne pretvarjaš, da ne veš, kje leži moralna resnica? Da ne veš, kje prestopiš mejo zaupanja in kdaj izdajaš vero človeka v vse, kar misli, da si? Da ne razumeš, kako daleč seže bolečina ob kockanju z ljubeznijo človeka? Da ne razumeš, da si ob sebičnem tavanju po svetu trofej ne zaslužiš niti najbolj hladnega kančka sočloveka, ki te ljubi? Da nimaš pravice do objema, pozornosti, besede, topline? Da je vsak delček duše neprecenljiv in kako čudovito je, da nekdo misli, da si vreden? Razumeš, da tvoja pozicija v vesolju ni upravljanje z energijami? Da življenje ni igra? In da kdor se igra, brez izjeme izgubi? Razumeš, da je več okoli tebe kot praskanje iz dneva v dan brez cilja in brez višjih vrednost? Da nisi na svetu, da te nosi po vetru in da se pretvarjaš, kako nemočen si v lebdenju? Si dorasel svoji želji po ljubezni in simbiozi dveh bitij? Kaj misliš, kaj govoriš, kdo si? Kaj nudiš, zakaj si nezamenljiv? Zakaj si zaslužiš vse dobro, kje leži tvoje srce? Kaj vidiš v drugih ljudeh? Koliko si jih prizadel v lastni sebični zablodi, da lahko počneš karkoli ti srce poželi? Koliko ljudi si pohodil, ker je njihovo srce zate nevredno in te zaboli šele, ko se spremeni tvoj odsev v njihovih očeh? Res ne razumeš, zakaj skačeš s cveta na cvet? Za globino odnosa žal rabiš več od naučenega skeča karizmatičnega klepeta, dobrega parfuma in lepega nasmeha. Čudovito, če te izpopolnjuje naklonjenost ljudi z nizkimi merili, kjer kaj dosti niti ne rabiš biti. Ali veš, kaj skušaš doseči s pokali na lastno praznino od sodnikov, ki vidijo in ocenjujejo zgolj in le to? Kako obseden si z iskanjem pozornosti in dajanjem le te? Te ne straši, kako histerično ponujaš svoj izgled in kako malo misliš o sebi, da se počutiš tako dostopen vsem, ki vidijo vsaj malo bleščečega na tebi. Da vsak lep obraz dobi tvoj nasmeh. Da vsako postavno telo dobi pozornost tvojega uma. Da ne rabijo dosegati niti minimalnih inteligenčnih in duhovnih standardov, tvoji nemirni duši je lepa plastika dovolj. Žalostno. Upam, da niso vsa socialna omrežja polna tvojih lajkov in sline. Kar lahko ima vsak, ni kaj preveč vredno. 

Koliko dolgoletnih odnosov imaš? Globokih, iskrenih, kjer si se res izkazal kot človek? Si ponosen nase in na odločitve, ki si jih sprejemal? Iskreno, z ozirom na vse kar veš o svoji nesrečni duši, tako krivično pohojeni. Dobro se poznaš. Ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Vsak trenutek dneva je nova priložnost, da začneš znova. Morda brez laži in prikrivanja. Morda z mislijo na ljudi, ki ti veliko pomenijo, pa izgubljajo upanje nad tabo. In ne zato, ker te nimajo dovolj radi, ampak ker morda ti nimaš dovolj rad njih.

Morda je čas za razpletanje debelih mrež in morda je čas, da v ogledalo pogledaš brez maske. Da si priznaš napake in jih sprejmeš. Da vzljubiš temne kotičke sebe in jih z iskrenostjo obdelaš in ponudiš v svojem paketu. Da se nehaš pretvarjati in izdajati za nekaj, kar nisi. Da nehaš loviti ljudi, ki si jih ne zaslužiš. Kar hočeš dobivati, moraš biti sposoben dati. Težko je biti dober človek, težko je ves čas sprejemati dobre odločitve in težko se je odrekati slabim stvarem. Težko je bit v stiku s sabo in težko se je odreči zanimivemu marketu človeških teles. Težko se je odreči vznemirljivosti pozornosti in užitku v lovu. Ampak dragi človek, ko si pripravljen, odrekanja sploh ni.

Res ne čutiš, da je več od življenja? Res ne misliš, da si lahko tako zelo velik in čudovit? Da je nekje mesto v tvoji duši, kjer si največ, kar ti je bilo namenjeno v tem kratkem življenju. Da znaš biti toliko več, kot pa si zdaj.  Nisi nikdar obsedel z nekom v urah in urah pogovorov? In kar naenkrat je bilo vesolje tvoje in čas je bil le beseda. Počutil si se več kot dovolj in nekako so besede kar stekle in zrak je bil topel in duša mirna. In brez vsega materialnega, kar imaš, si bil enostavno zadosti. V tekmovanju in primerjavi z nikomer in ničemer. Ni lepšega obraza, ni lepšega telesa, ni večje riti. Sploh nisi bil postavljen v tako neumno in nespoštljivo pozicijo. Ker ni ničesar v celem neskončnem vesolju, kar se lahko primerja s tem, kar si.

Nekoč boš naletel na človeka, ki mu nobena maska ni lepa in nobeno telo bolj privlačno od iskrene besede in globoke misli. Na človeka, ki te bo gledal le skozi ušesa in občutek. Na človeka, ki ne bo impresioniran nad nobenim od tvojih trikov, ki tako uspešno zavajajo horde praznih src. Človeka, ki vzljubi in ljubi in razume, zakaj. Človeka, ki te nikdar ne bo postavil v vitrino ob druge lutke. Človeka, katerega beseda bo pomenila resnico in ljubezen. Na človeka, ki ti bo dal priložnost, da si globoko in iskreno ljubljen za vse, kar si. Da se izkažeš z vsem dobrim, kar nosiš v sebi. In iskreno upam, da boš takrat znal biti vreden.

Nekega dne boš svoboden in maskara na očeh bo samo lasten užitek in lepa obleka le češnja na torti. Lahkoten boš sedel na klopi v parku in užival v lastni družbi. Brez jeze na vse okrog sebe, brez žalosti nad krivičnostjo sveta. Točno tam boš, kjer moraš biti, z vsem kar si zaslužiš. Brez odnosov, kjer prosiš ljudi, da delajo lepo s teboj. Brez prijateljstev z ljudmi, ki begajo od mize k mizi in se prodajajo za dobre interne informacije. Brez ljudi, ki se oklepajo svoje vloge žrtve in te vlečejo v svoj nesrečni kaos. Brez ljudi, ki ne razumejo, kaj pomeni ljubiti in posegajo v tvojo utopično idejo ljubezni brez mrcvarjenja. Brez nemirnosti nad vsem, kar si nevedno počel, preden si razumel, da je smisel življenja v iskanju smisla. Brez tekme s časom in samim sabo in vso plastiko okrog tebe. Tvoja duša bo dovolj in tvoja beseda bo jasna in mirna. In obdan boš z ljudmi, ki ljubijo sebe. Ker so vse, kar bi človek lahko ljubil. In ljubili bodo tebe. Ker se boš končno z vsem kar si, ljubil tudi ti.

Hvala za tvoj čas in vse dobro ti želim, zares.
Tjaša

Kako lepo bo biti... ti.

Iz gole radovednosti in sladkega vonja odprtih rešetk mislečega uma pomisli, da si lahko za trenutek osvobojen sveta. Da se kot živo bitje ravnaš izključno po nagonskih potrebah in nagnjenjih. Tvoj umetni um služi zgolj kot iskalec rešitev in ne iskalec problemov, kot se je zalomilo pri človeškem liku v trenutku zavedanja sebe. Odkar delam na projektu Femina, obsesivno raziskujem bolezni gole človeške narave in kako preprosto bi jih bilo preživeti, če bi le hoteli. Ampak očitno je nekaj tako lepega globoko pod vodo, brez zraka, z očmi, uprtimi v sonce nad gladino.

Vdihni in si predstavljaj sebe v družbi vsega, kar si. Brez ljudi, ki te dušijo, kljub temu, da skrivaj uživaš v hlastanju za sapo. Brez misli, da kdorkoli karkoli pričakuje od tebe, čeprav so samo odsev tega, kar priznavaš da bi lahko bil, pa nočeš, ne moreš in ne znaš. Brez lastnega konflikta z idejo svoje eksistence v primerjavi s tem, kar v globini resnično si. Predstavljaj si, kako si obkoljen s svojimi fantazijami, ki so končno postale realnost. Tako blizu, v tebi, a nikoli prej na dosegu roke.

Kako zgleda življenje, ki ni  tvoje? Si srečen? Si želiš kar si želi ideja tebe, ali so tvoja pristna hrepenenja še vedno tam, pod kupom socialnih smeti? Kdaj si sprejel kompromis, da si manjši od sveta? Kdaj si pozabil, da si lahko karkoli in kdorkoli? Kje si se ujel v začaran krog laganja samemu sebi in vseh, ki ti stopijo pred obraz v svoji lepi maski? Kdaj si se odločil, da je mnenje v zraku več vredno od tvojega kratkega življenja? Če ne živiš sebe, ali potem sploh obstajaš? Čemu jočeš solze nekoga, ki si ga sam ustvaril v točno to, kar si ponižno postal? Daj si priložnost, da si končno vse poveš.

Kaj je črnega v tvojem življenju? Koliko krivde je na tvojih ramah, pa trmasto gledaš mimo njih? Potrebna je samo odločitev, ki ne rabi biti niti tvoja. Odločitev, da boš vse sprejel točno tako, kot je. Brez olepšav, brez polnih rok obližev za praske, ki bodo nastajale. Za trenutek utišaj svoja čustva in poglej vase. Tokrat ne rabiš ugajati nikomur, niti sebi. Ne opredeljuj se, samo poslušaj svoje misli. Kdo si, iskreno. Kdo si? Ne zanima me kaj vse si naredil in kaj vse se ti je zgodilo. Si prevaral? Ne bi mi moglo biti manj mar. Človek si, krvav si pod kožo, sprejmi to in se ne pretvarjaj, da je svetu mar. Si lagal? Vseeno je. Vprašanje za vsem je isto. Zakaj? Razumeš zakaj ti ponavljanje istih napak prepreči samo priučen sram? Ti je res žal napak, ki si jih naredil? Do sebe si lahko iskren. Skloniš pogled, ker se tako spodobi?

Tako radi se izpovedujemo nad stisko v socialnih okvirjih, ki jim ne moremo ubežati. A spregledali smo sami sebe. Mi smo socialni okvirji. Mi hočemo biti usmerjeni, mi hočemo biti znotraj sistema strahu, da ne bi v svobodi požrli samih sebe. Utišaj za trenutek naučeni jaz. Spusti vsa mnenja in predsodke. Kakršenkoli čustven vidik v tebi je posledica miselnih procesov, kjer pade celotna ideja čiste eksistence. Čustva v tebi ne morejo obstajati sama po sebi in zgolj pozitivno, ker so gole reakcije na okolico in tvojo lastno notranjost. Vse, kar se sveti v belini, je belo le kot kontrast črne. Vse pozitivno doživljaš samo skozi poznavanje negativnega. To si ustvaril v svojem subjektivnem dojemanju stvari, v svoji lakoti po smislu obstoja, v svoji obsedenosti s pripadnostjo sistemu, v svoji nezmožnosti potešenosti v samem dejstvu, da si del imaginarnega obstoja. Ko bi za trenutek lahko opustil vse materialno, obrnjen stran od ogledala. Nič v bitu tvojega trenutka v času ne bi smelo obstajati hierarhično po željah, potrebah ali vrednotah višje od česarkoli drugega. Ne bi bilo zavisti, ne bi bilo želja, ne bi bilo empatije, ne bi bilo ljubezni, posesivnosti, sreče. Vsak posameznik bi bil končno osvobojen samega sebe. Ampak kako s takim mišljenjem prepoznati dobro za lasten obstoj, dobro družbe s ciljem nadaljnjega obstoja? Ali je potem nekaj sploh lahko dobro ali slabo zate, če ti tega na tak način nisi zmožen dojeti? Je katerakoli stvar na svetu lahko karkoli druga, kot pa samo ta stvar? Kaj druga kot misel v tvoji glavi? Dokler se bomo vrteli v krogih z uporabo lastnih misli, da ustvarimo iluzijo novih, dokler bomo samooklicana misleča bitja, bi to bilo teoretično možno samo s popolno odpovedjo lastni identiteti in predajo svojega celotnega bita nekemu višjemu organu, ki se mu brezpogojno daš v roke na milost in nemilost. To tako ali tako delamo že zdaj, sami sebi v svojih glavah. Ne bom kar sem, ker ni nihče drug jaz. Sto istih rabimo, milijon! Žalostna komedija. 

Razvrednotenje človeške biti je pripeljalo v ogabne proporcije, ampak – kdo postavlja merila, ki definirajo vrednost človeške biti? Malo se tu z grenkobo na jeziku nagibam k ideji Boga, celotne zgodbe o enakosti in brezpogojnem sprejemanju. Naš problem kot mislečega človeka je, da ne znamo in ne moremo sprejeti življenja, kot je. Ne znamo sprejeti sebe, ne znamo brezpogojno sprejeti drugih. Ko smo v razmerju, si lastimo človeka in od njega pričakujemo stvari, ki so zgolj odsev nas samih. Ko si želimo stvari, najdemo razloge. Ko naredimo napako, najdemo izgovore. Opredeljujemo se, ocenjujemo in definiramo v svojih glavah. Sami ustvarjamo ta svet, ki tako ali tako obstaja samo v naših glavah. Nekdo, ki je popolnoma očiščen vseh sebičnih emocij in misli, sprejema in spoštuje celoten obstoj. Ne nagibaš se nujno k tem (ohlapen in subjektiven izraz, pa vseeno) 'slabim' stvarem in se prisilno odločaš za moralno dobro in pravilno (lepo prosim za leksikon teh misli in dejanj, ali pa objektivno definicijo besedne zveze), čeprav po knjigi ne bi smel biti zmožen človeka zaznati kot slabega, ker oznaka nečesa kot slabega izhaja iz gole primerjave z dobrim in lastnega superiornega dojemanja. Brez presenečenja smo spet pri očitno neizogibnem klanju. 

Mislim, da se v takšni civilizaciji zakrknjenih osebnosti človeškost ne more vzpostaviti. Za koga si dober, če ni slabega? Kako je lahko nekaj prav, če ne v odnosu do slabega? Kako lahko imaš ti nekaj in nekoga rad, če do nekoga drugega ne čutiš nič? Te stvari nastajajo vzporedno in sočasno. Prav z napačnim, dobro s slabim. Kontrasti kot pogoj obstoja. Vse naše misli so odziv, posledica in izbira v odnosu do druge misli. Danes bom živela, torej se zavedam, da se lahko odločim življenje končati. Rada imam sočloveka, ker vem, kako zgleda sovraštvo in čutim. V očiščenju človeka vsega slabega se ne moremo obračati k dobrem, ker dobrega potem ne poznamo. Kakšna je rešitev situacije, ne vem in vse bolj se nagibam k misli, da človeštvo ne potrebuje rešitve, ker problema sploh ni drugje kot v našem poskušanju odkritja te rešitve. Sprejmi vse svoje slabo, da se lahko končno odločiš biti dober.

Daj, pomisli na vse, kar imaš dati. Kaj vse si lahko. Kaj vse lahko dosežeš, ko ti bo vse naravno in čista refleksija resničnega tebe. Kako topli bodo objemi, namenjeni točno tebi. Kako dušo božajoče bo dobivati poljube, ki ne bi mogli biti od nikogar drugega, kot samo in le od tebe. Še sanja se ti ne, kako lepo bo biti... ti.

Tjaša.

Z nešteto večeri osamljenega razmišljanja, s tisoč vojnami s seboj. Razgaljena jaz.

Rada se pogovarjam. Čim več. Zanima me kaj je v glavi človeka nasproti mene. Stokrat sem se že zalotila, da ga sploh ne gledam več kot fizično bitje. Ne impresionirajo me več te stvari na isti način kot so me leta nazaj. Mogoče zato, ker zdaj razumem, da psiha, čustva in intima pri meni niso v popolnem sožitju. Človeka pred sabo vidim kot vir novih izzivov za moje mišljenje in analizo. Mogoče malo žalostno, ker tako velik procent sogovornikov pade na testu že v prvih besedah. Ne vem kje je ta ogromen problem ljudi okoli mene. Ne znajo se pogovarjat, ne znajo razmišljat, ne znajo se obnašat. Nešteto nesmiselnih tikov v vedenju in poplava slabih zaključkov o nerazumljenih stvareh. Zadnje čase, ko sem res veliko razmišljala o sebi, sem nekako prišla do točke, ko se že kar dobro poznam. Vem, kako se lotit problema in zmožna sem objektivno prepoznat dejstva. Konec dneva je iz oddaljene, čustveno nedotakljive perspektive vse zelo preprosto. Nasvet, da naredi kakor čutiš, je preprosto neumen. Mogoče je primeren, če se zavedaš posledic in si jih pripravljen ignorirati zavoljo trenutnega zadoščenja. Kar pa po mojem mnenju spet ni odločitev nekoga, ki je na malo višjem nivoju razmišljanja in se ima za intelektualno bitje. Čustveno negativne situacije nikomur niso vir zadovoljstva in potrebno je sprejeti odločitev, da s sabo ne ravnaš na tak način. Premisliš, pogledaš od daleč, oceniš situacijo. Če ni dobro zate, greš stran. Če je dobro zate, izklopiš kar želiš in preklopiš na tisto, kar rabiš. Na dolgi rok je pozitiven napredek neizogiben.

Najbolj zanimivo se mi zdi, kako pogosto se zadnje čase zapletam v pogovore z ljudmi, vsemi povprek. S tistimi, ki jih poznam in tistimi, ki jih ne. Opazujem, poslušam. Sem navdušena, se zgražam. Ena izmed najmočnejših izkušenj v zadnjem času je bila kava z nekim fantom za plesni nastop na dogodku. Časa nisva imela veliko, ampak v prvih nekaj minutah sva iz začetnega pozdrava zajadrala na najina popolnoma razgaljena uma. Zanimivo, prvi pogovor v življenju, pa si pripravljen nekomu povedat vse, karkoli bi želel vedet od tebe. Veliko sem potem razmišljala o tem, ker se mi je zdela zelo privlačna ideja, da se energije pač nekako prepoznajo in, da so v ozadju višje zadeve. Narobe. Ko razviješ svoj um do določene točke in si izpostavljen ogromno situacijam, ko obdelaš veliko mero virov, tvoji možgani prepoznajo nekoga, ki ti je enakovreden. Pa ne v smislu vrednotenja človeškega življenja, ampak vsaj na nivoju razmišljanja. Ne glede na to, na kateri stopnji si. In takrat razumeš, da razume stvari, ki jih misliš in da tudi on izhaja iz sličnih. Torej veš, da kakršnokoli pretvarjanje odpade. Ker ni potrebno. Ker nista v interakciji zato, da si bosta všeč, ampak zato, da se vidita. Vidita tako, zares. Ne z očmi. Da bo on bral tebe, kot ti bereš njega. Da ti daš v tisti kratki interakciji tisto, kar jemlješ od njega. Da mu daš možnost istega vpogleda, kot ga je deležen on s tvoje strani. Torej pogovor ne more biti nič drugega kot čudovit. Ne gre se torej za pogovor o čemerkoli konkretnem, ampak pogovor o tebi. O tem, kam tava tvoj um. kakšne povezave ustvarjaš, kako razmišljaš. Ne toliko o tem, kaj razmišljaš, kot pa o tem, zakaj tako razmišljaš. Torej pogovarjala sva se cel sestanek, namenjen plesu. Torej se nisva dogovorila nič druga, kakor vse. Največ, kolikor se je dalo v tisti kratki kavi. Na neki točki, ko sem ga poslušala, sem dobila solzne oči. Nisem mogla verjeti njegovem izboru besed, njegovem ustvarjanju povezav glede stvari, ki sem jih povedala. In spet tisti občutek, da nekoga poznam že leta. Popolna iskrenost, popolna čistost odnosa. Skupno občudovanje pristnosti doživetja. Zame so to ene najlepših stvari v življenju. Resnične stvari.

Po drugi strani pa preživim velik del življenja v interakcijah, ki mi služijo kot nekakšna protiutež, ki mi ves čas potrjuje, da sem na pravi poti. V življenju imam nekaj ljudi, o katerih vem kar veliko. Ko si zlagam informacije, ki jih delijo z mano, si ne morem pomagati, da moje misli večino časa ne bi tavale v smeri, če je njihovo stanje samo pomanjkanje intelekta, ali govorimo že o kakšnih konkretnih psihičnih težavah. In ne skušam biti nesramna ali sarkastična, iskreno povem, da me vsakič znova presenečajo v svoji nezmožnosti procesiranja informacij. Najpogostejši primer so seveda partnerski odnosi. Nekdo ti v obraz pove, da noče biti s tabo in da je njegov odnos s tabo zgolj seksualen, ti pa iščeš nove in nove in nove načine, da se mu približaš in mu pravzaprav dokažeš, da se moti. To sploh še ni problem, ker za vse obstaja logična razlaga. Najbrž gre za vzorce v otroštvu, predvidevam, da velika odsotnost ene starševske figure v odnosu z drugim staršem, pomanjkanje pogovorov in po možnosti verbalne zlorabe. V večini primerov mislim, da je to ozadje, ki pripelje do take disfunkcionalnosti v odnosu do sebe in ostalih ljudi. Če gledaš starša, kako se prepirata, se žalita, živita en mimo drugega in na tak način ohranjata zakon, po možnosti še spočneta kakšnega otroka, je to žal tvoj vzorec ljubezni. Zdrav zakon torej izgleda tako. Ljubezen med dvema človekoma torej izgleda tako. Edina logično posledica je torej iskanje takšnih odnosov, saj konec dneva to večina išče. Ljubezen, partnerstvo, družino. Problem nastane, ker takšen človek ne ve, da išče destruktivne odnose. Zagotovo ga ne bo pritegnil nekdo, ki je do njega ljubeč, mu daje vso svojo pozornost in mu dokazuje, da ga ima iskreno rad. To za tega človeka žal ni ideja ljubezni. Če bi se ljudje malo več pogovarjali in brskali po sebi, bi se dalo stvarem priti do začetka in konca. Ampak kakor pravim, lažje je iti na kavo z neumno kolegico, ji povedat celo zgodbo o tvojem partnerju in poslušati dve uri njenih bedarij o tem, da te ima sigurno rad, ampak se dela nedostopnega. Da te ima v bistvu zelo rad, zato pa se boji samega sebe, ko je s tabo. Ni res. Verjemi človeku, ko ti pove takšne stvari. Če ti reče, da noče biti s tabo več, kot nekdo, ki te pokliče, ko ni nikogar drugega, ki bi zadovoljil njegove seksualne potrebe, je točno tako. Če bi mu bilo do tebe, v prvi vrsti tega pogovora sploh bilo ne bi. Nekdo, ki si te želi v svojem življenju, bo ves čas iskal načine, da bo temu tako. Sploh pa ti ne bo govoril, da te noče. Ne razumem, na kateri stopnji intelekta moreš biti, da razumeš tako osnovnošolsko stvar.  Torej tukaj ni problem v človeku nasproti tebe ampak v tem, kaj si misliš o tem. Zakaj ostajaš v odnosu, zakaj se ti zdi prav, zakaj si nezmožen objektivno pogledati stvar, zakaj imaš neumno družbo? In se včasih res vprašam, do kam pelje pot takšnih ljudi. Ali prav tako dosežejo najvišjo točko sreče in izpopolnjenosti, ampak pač v svojih omejitvah? Koliko časa še imajo, preden se fatalno odločijo? Torej za odnos, ki bo trajal. Slab, destruktiven odnos. Z otrokom in neumno družbo in ogromno trpljenja. Otrok bo odraščal v slabem okolju in pobral vzorce, ki jih bo deležen. Kot torej njegova starša. In krog se zaključi. Nov osebek, ki bo nekomu sodba in vsem generacijam, ki sledijo. Katastrofa. Nekajkrat sem bila presenečena, da me ljudje dobro poslušajo v takih stvareh. Vidim, da nič ne vejo o njih, ampak nekako vedo, da kar delajo, ni prav. Problem je samo, da se o tem niso nikoli spraševali in razmišljali. Sem pa tudi opazila, da bi mogla biti s takimi ljudmi dlje časa, vsaj kakšne pol leta po nekaj ur na teden. Zaradi družbe in utečenega življenja je zelo težko kar prekiniti in vse začeti iz pogorišča starega življenja. Ni pa nemogoče in je zelo nujno. Mislim, da je to edini način, da rešim svet. Ne celega, mogoče pa vsaj svojega.

Ko hodim na kave, sem začela pozorno opazovati ljudi. Kaj delajo, ko pretiravajo. Kaj delajo, ko se lažejo, kako se premikajo, ko se bojijo. Kako dihajo, ko so vzhičeni. Zelo zanimivo je, da ljudi ni težko prebrati. Ker so tako očitni v svoji povprečnosti. Ne znajo skriti laži. V veliki večini so ljudje zelo slabi lažnivci, mi smo tisti, ki nismo pozorni in zato podležemo. Izdajajo se z gestami, pogledi in izborom besed. S pomanjkljivo pestrostjo čustev v tem, kar razlagajo. S čudno nenaravno držo. Po drugi strani pa nikoli ne berem pristnih ljudi. Ker ni potrebe. Z vsem kar povejo, dihajo sebe. Mogoče malo težko razumeti, če še nisi naletel na takšnega človeka. Na nekoga, ki nič ne reče, pa vse pove. Tako kot je, pristno in iskreno. Na nekoga, ki ti požene mravljince po hrbtu z intenzivnostjo svojega obstoja. In ko enkrat doživiš take ljudi, povprečnost nikdar več ne bo opcija. Takšni ljudje so kot novo upanje. Dajejo nam okus tistega, kar nekje obstaja. Nekje tam, nam nedosegljivo. Ampak vseeno popolnoma na dosegu roke. Dajejo nam senco občutka, ki ga iščemo, pa sploh ne vemo. Velikokrat sem razmišljala, da zame ni prostora na tem svetu. Odkar se zavedam same sebe in svojega obstoja v odnosu do tega, kar čutim, sem iskala več. Močnejšo ljubezen, višjo srečo, globljo žalost. Ker sem v sebi tako močno čutila ves svoj obstoj in vse kar me je obdajalo, sem se po neštetih neuspelih poskusih iskanja tega v drugih malo zbala, da problem ni v drugih, ampak v meni. Da iščem stvari, ki jih ni mogoče najti. Da bom vse življenje bežala od vseh in vsakogar, ker mi bo vse prazna lupina tistega, kar bi lahko bilo. Zato sem se zavlekla tja, ker sem se počutila domače. Sama vase.

Ko sem ljudem razlagala, da je življenje lepo in da čutim in vem, da  me čakajo čudovite stvari, je bil odziv vedno naravnan v smer, kjer morem po njihovo nehat živet v tem svojem svetu. Ker stvari niso takšne. Ker je služba pasja in ker je zakon težka stvar. Ker so otroci uporniki in ker je neumno pričakovati, da je svet ena sama mavrica. Ker se bom tudi jaz enkrat mogla poročiti in prevzeti odgovornosti in biti odrasla, resna in vdana v usodo. Ne vem zakaj, ampak ob teh stvareh mi je zmanjkovalo zraka. Vedno sem se zatekala v knjige in v ure in ure pogovorov sama s sabo. Gledala zvezde in razmišljala, kako majhna in nepomembna sem proti vesolju. Kako majhni in nepomembni so ljudje okoli mene. Kako zelo kratko je življenje in kako raje umrem kot da opustim ta močan občutek trdnega prepričanja, da imam prav. Da lahko dosežem neverjetne stvari. Da me bo nekdo poslušal in bova ure in ure in ure odkrivala čudovite temne kotičke umov en drugega. Da bom našla okolje, kjer bom normalna. Kjer bodo ljudje razmišljali in se zavedali, da se sam odločiš za službo, ki te ne osrečuje. Da se sam odločiš za partnerja, ki te je prizadel. Da se sam odločiš za neposlušnost in neumnost, v kateri živiš. Sam se rodiš, sam boš umrl. Tvoja odgovornost do samega sebe je, da slediš stvarem, ki si jih želiš. Da zahtevaš zase čiste odnose in da postaneš človek, ki jih je vreden.

Ne razumem, zakaj se v nekaterih ta želja ne razvije kljub temu, da so dokaj inteligentni. Nič posebnega, povprečni. Ampak glede na preprostost osnovnih načel bivanja v svetu res preprosto ne razumem. Če sediš na kavi dve uri in se pogovarjaš negativne stvari o drugem človeku, si najbrž zmožen dojeti primitivnost svojega obnašanja. Ali ne? Dvomim, da je vedno problem samo v tem, da pač ne pomisliš na to. Kot je meni jasno, da ne vržem v kavarni kozarca v steno, gre tu za popolnoma enake stvari. Ker bi bilo to dejanje popolnoma nesmiselno in neumno. Kot so tudi takšni pogovori. Poznam ljudi, ki se ves čas spreminjajo glede na družbo, v kateri so. Mislim, da se niti sami ne poznajo. Konstantno se podrejajo trendom družbe okoli sebi in se potrudijo, da ugajajo. Ko jih gledam kako funkcionirajo mislim, da jim je takšno funkcioniranje celo pristno in naravno. Da se torej ne zavedajo svojega nihanja in sprotnega spreminjanja vrednot in prepričanj. Da so zmožni v vsakem trenutku prevzeti določeno identiteto. Nimajo svojih mnenj in nimajo razdelanega mnenja praktično o ničemer. Ko jih gledam z drugimi, nikoli ne pokažejo nezadovoljstva in nikoli ne izrazijo svojega mnenja, če bi lahko bilo slabo za njihov navidezni položaj. Živijo življenja, ki niso njihova.

V pogovorih z ljudmi me res preseneča, da sem v nekaj malo časa, ko sem začela zelo jasno izražati svoja razmišljanja in mnenja, dobila dostop do tako velikega števila osebnih stvari ljudi. To, da se obračajo name, očitno vseeno kaže na neko stisko. Spomnim se, kakšen je občutek, ko imaš polna pljuča besed in pred sabo gluha ušesa. Mislim, da je pogovor najpomembnejša stvar, pa ravno to ljudje tako grdo zlorabljajo za primitivne, nesmiselne interakcije. Zakaj vržeš stran nekaj ur svojega življenja v slabi druži, ki se ne zna pogovarjati druga kot o stvareh, ki te ne zanimajo in nimajo nobene intelektualne teže in vrednosti? Ker se ne poznaš. Ker ne veš niti kdo si, niti kdo želiš biti. Če si priznaš to, je že blazno dober začetek. In potem začneš brskat po sebi. Po svojem otroštvu, kako je bilo in kako bi moralo biti. Si res želiš tega, kar živijo tvoji starši? Ti nisi tvoji starši. Česa si želiš najbolj, ali verjameš v osebo, katera bi rad postal? Si želiš pozornosti in zakaj jo rabiš? Ali se res zavedaš, da si popolnoma vreden ljubezni? Da lahko postaneš dober človek. Da laganje ni sprejemljivo. Da nisi nič več vreden kot drugi. Si pripravljen izgubiti vse kar imaš, da zgradiš na novo? Veš, kakšen je občutek svobode? Veš, kako te vidijo drugi? Živiš svoje življenje? Si doživel stvari, ki si jih želiš? Samo sam sebi si lahko sodnik. Poznaš svojo temno stran? Ja, imaš jo. Imaš jo in najbrž je do konca nesprejemljiva in nasprotje vsega, kar želiš verjeti, da je dobro zate in prav. Se zavedaš, da jo moreš doživeti? Da ji moraš pustiti, da te zasvoji in da dosežeš najnižjo točko svoje vere vase. Da doživiš kako izgleda življenje, ko ni kakor mora biti. Ko izgubiš moralni kompas in samega sebe. In takrat se najdeš. Takrat zagori v tebi najmočnejša želja, da boš živel kakor je zate prav. Da boš zasledoval iskrenost in vrednote. Da boš vreden ljubezni in da boš sam vir le te. Da boš drugim pomagal, ko bodo na poti navzdol. Ampak vedno, da boš znal vedno in povsod najprej rešiti sebe.

Ko razmišljam o vsem, kar sem že doživela in kar še bom, me to hkrati navdaja z veseljem in žalostjo. Ko enkrat dosežeš točko, da stvari razumeš, ne bo nikoli več kakor je bilo preden si razumel, zakaj se odločaš, kakor se. Ker veliko odločitev ne boš več sprejel. Ne boš se več neumno in spontano zaljubil. Ne boš več slepo in brezpogojno zaupal. Ne boš se več nesebično razdajal. To so stvari, ki te naredijo ranljivega in te lahko uničijo. Ne ker te je strah, ampak ker razumeš in se racionalno skušaš izogniti pričakovanim izidom. Na tak način te ne more nihče prizadeti. Ampak tudi osrečiti ne. Včasih pomislim, da je moja sreča v tem, da ves čas iščem stvari, ki jih ne morem najti. Da je to tisto, kar me žene naprej. Dopuščanje možnosti, da bom na neki točki življenja našla nekoga, ki bo videl isto kot vidim jaz. Da bo čutil isto ogabo v povprečnih stvareh. Da bo zasledoval višji cilj in da bo neomajno obseden s svobodo. Samo zato, da si potrdim svojo lastno izjemnost, ko jo bom prepoznala v njem. Da si potrdim, da je več od življenja. Da ne samo obstajam, ampak da razumem, da zares razumem. Na nek način sem obsedena z občutkom, ki ga najdem v sebi in naravi. Ne v ljudeh. Morje obstaja neodvisno od mene, točno takšno kot je. In nebo in zvezde in veter, vse kar vidim in čutim takrat, je resnično. In takšne stvari zasledujem in se jih držim. Ko sem sama, stran od vseh, sem najbolj izpopolnjena. Da samo razmišljam in obstajam. Brez kakršnegakoli smisla. Da se analiziram in raziskujem svoje najlepše in najbolj temne misli. Ne bom se pretvarjala, da jih nimam. Včasih sem na točki, ko mi ni več do življenja, ker je tako popolno. Ker se počutim, da sem na najvišji točki in da sem našla svoj resnični smisel. In ko najdeš smisel, je zadeva tako izpopolnjena, da pravzaprav naprej ne gre. Da sem našla to v sebi in da mi svet nima več kaj dati. Vse nosimo že v sebi. Razumem, da vse interakcije, ki jih imam z ljudmi okoli sebe, doživljam kakor jih, zaradi sebe. In potem iščem razlog, zakaj sem se dobro počutila z nekom in ko ga najdem, ugotovim, da lahko o tem razmislim in odpravim vzrok. To naredim in najdem občutek v sebi. In ko to počneš znova in znova in znova, ustvariš v sebi nek svet, ki ga kontrolirano doživljaš zgolj iz lastne glave. Mogoče malo težko razumljivo, ampak zelo kmalu ugotoviš, da ne potrebuješ nikogar. Da je vse kar si kadarkoli doživel, samo v tvoji glavi. In v tistem trenutku izgubiš vse in ugotoviš, da si sam. Da boš do konca življenja sam. Ker ni nič več pomembno zate, razen kolikor si boš sam zaželel. Zaveš se svoje moči nad drugimi ljudmi, kako jih lahko manipuliraš in kako zelo jih lahko prizadeneš. Ali osrečiš. Kako si lahko karkoli hočeš, ampak si vseeno nič. Nepomemben, razen kar čutiš. Kar misliš in kar si želiš. Kakšen je torej smisel v vseh drugih interakcijah, razen tistih, s katerimi odkrivaš sebe? Ne razumem, zakaj bi želel ostati neumen in ne razumeti vsega tega. Videti vsega okoli sebe. Ni treba, da si diplomiran analitik, da ti je jasno, ko te ima nekdo za norca. Pa ljudje kar nočejo videti tega in razumeti. In v poplavi tisoč ljudi najdeš mogoče enega, ki si tega želi. Meni osebno je to eden najboljših občutkov na svetu. Ko lahko nekomu razlagam vse, kar vem. Ko mu lahko pomagam s tem, kar znam. S tem, kar sem si zložila v glavi z urami in urami poslušanja pogovorov izjemno inteligentnih objektivno naravnanih ljudi, z nešteto večeri osamljenega razmišljanja, s tisoč vojnami s seboj. Razgaljena jaz.

Complicated, really?

How many times you said it is the last time? How many times you practiced the speech in your head that never came out of your mouth? How many times you cried because you made the wrong decision just so you didn't hurt someone else? How many times you stayed silent just so you wouldn't get in an argument? Well, listen. I think you could be so great and I think you deserve to have all that world can give. But you need to stop screwing yourself over, for real.

I saw this photo on Pinterest and just stared at it for the longest time ever. This man is a homeless person. His eyes look like they hold millions of stories, he made my mind wander. I wish I could know these stories. And I wish I could ask him all these big questions I think about all the time. What he thinks about death? What he thinks about money? Why did he give up on himself? What made him feel smaller than life? I wonder what would be his best advice he could give me on life. 

Whenever I talk about things like that with old people or kids, they give me most amazing answers. Honest, logical answers. Things I know but seem to ignore. Not on purpose, it's just - we are so obsessed with idea of being loved. We are so obsessed with doing what the crowd wants us to do. So obsessed with playing all of the roles that are liked in community. But just stop for a second. Somewhere, things went terribly wrong.

Ask the oldest man you know what he thinks of your last bad relationship. Ask a little boy that. They will tell you same exact thing. They will give you answers you already know. Old man will probably give you a life advice, too. But a little kid will just be so sad because he won't be able to understand why you would do something like that to yourself.

So I think things are very simple. I will just tell you some examples of how you pretend you don't know your answers and how you screw yourself over day by day, week by week, year by year. All of these stories are real - please, just learn your lesson and don't you ever treat yourself like that.

1. I'm seeing a married guy and I'm so sad, he said he will leave his family last year. He still sleeps with his wife and he can't tell anyone about me because he works in a law firm. But I know he loves me, I know he truly loves me more than anything. It's complicated.
You are right, it's very complicated. Not your situation but how your brain works. How you were able to create a fake reality in your head just so you can make it possible for him to have his cake and eat it, too. There are many reasons why this will never work and they are all good, if you just think about it for a little. 
You are giving your happiness in hands of someone who has kids and lies to their faces. You are planning your future with someone who tells you he loves you and then goes home to have sex with his wife. While he lies to her face, too. You are giving your heart to someone who has no idea what love is, what honesty is, what family is. To someone who feels no need to tell mother of his children he doesn't want to be with her anymore. To someone who is basically telling you that lying is his way of avoiding confrontation. And there you are, waiting for him to give you everything you ever dreamt of. Still think it's complicated?

2. I don't know what to do. I'm working all the time and I have no money.
First of all, have a little chat with yourself. You are working all the time, really? I know people that have two jobs and go to school and do sports. If you were working all the time, you would have no time to even spend your money. So if you want to save some money and stop pretending you don't know where it is, here are some simple tips:
- stop buying expensive things you don't need. And no, you don't need a 500 dollar bag. You can decide to buy it, of course. But don't talk about being broke after you do that. It will make you look like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing with your life.
- if you don't have money, stop paying for other people's drinks. And stop going to parties and spending money on alcohol and cigarettes. And if you are out drinking every weekend, here's your answer to a mystery of disappearing money.
- stop eating outside. Buy some pasta and eat that thing for a week. No, it's not as fun as eating in a restaurant. But what do you think I ate when I had no money? Damn pasta, every day. And just think about how much money you spend on that every week. 
- start writing down how much money you spend in a day and on what. You will probably be surprised how reckless you are with your earnings. Or not, because you probably already know but it's easier to just ignore responsibilities.

3. "She is my best friend!" Five minutes later. "She irritates me so much, she is so dumb. And she is back with that ugly guy." Five minutes later. "I'm gonna call her if she wants to join for a coffee." Five minutes later. "I'm so sorry I asked her to come, I don't even want her here. I hate that girl. But I'm not saying that because I'm the bad guy. She is, because she does things that make me feel like that and there is always something that makes me change my mind about cutting her out of my life. Actually she should thank me. I'm doing her a big favor for being her friend."
Maybe that is someone who pretends to be your friend. And if that's the case, I'm so sorry and I hope someone loves you enough to tell you that so you can get it over with.
But maybe that is you. You don't have to admit it but if you are that kind of person, you know exactly what I'm talking about. First of all, here are some rules I think the whole planet should stick to. Stop pretending you don't know saying things like that hurts people. Don't give yourself excuses for being a mean human being. Just because you have a bunch of friends that let you be the king of the mountain, that doesn't mean you are the king of all damn mountains. Just because you have a lot of money, you don't get to call other people ugly or dumb. Looking pretty doesn't make you beautiful on the inside. And honey, you too will fade. So, rules:
1. Other people's business is none of your business.
2. People don't live to make you happy. Do you live to make them happy? I thought so.
3. You are worth nothing more than anyone else.
4. To get respect, you must know how to give it.
5. Don't expect honesty if your toungue is full of lies.
6. Things happen to you, not for you. You are not the center of this universe.
7. Take responsibilities for what you are doing and for what is going on in your life. Or do you have that special someone that's gonna keep on saving you?
8. Grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time. Handle your feelings when it comes to small things. If you don't know how to, there are many good books and videos. Nobody has time for your drama.
9. What you say about Sally, says a lot more about you than it says about Sally.
10. Want to lose weight? Join the gym. Want to save money? Quit the gym. Want to keep people around you? Stop talking about the gym.

4. I only did that because I didn't want to hurt that person.
That's funny because people say this when it comes to most simple and obvious things. Like staying in a relationship with someone you love no more and so you choose to cheat on them instead of breaking up and never telling them. Really smart. Here are some most common things I heard in my life.
1. I only lied to him because he lied to me first. He deserves to know how that feels.
- Well besides making someone feel bad, you just made yourself a damn liar, too. And you could have just walked away. Oh but I know, you love him. Okay.
2. I totally hate that girl. But I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I guess I'll invite her to my birthday, too. I don't want to make it awkward by ignoring her.
- You don't like her, so you don't want someone like that on your birthday party. Because it will ruin it for you, obviously. And you try avoiding hurting her by hurting her on purpose by lying to her? Wait, what?
3. I don't want my girlfriend to know we're here, having drinks. She gets really jealous and I don't want her to worry over something that is not important.
- Mhm. If it was not important, you would tell her. And she is probably jealous for a reason since you are here with me, telling me I should keep us a secret from your girlfriend. Whoa, who wouldn't want to bet his money on you.
But on the other hand, if she always goes crazy for no reason, you should talk to her about it because it's gonna probably be a big problem later on in your relationship. 
Or you can just continue lying to her and to yourself. Good luck with that big love you guys have.

5. I really really really want this. But I dont have enough time. And money. And time. And money. And time. Oh and did I say I don't have anough money?
Okay. If you want money, work. If you want more money, work more or work smarter. If that won't solve your problem, borrow it. If you don't want to work and if you don't want to borrow it, stop talking about wanting something because you are making everybody else who work their asses off, look stupid.
If you want to have this great body, you will have to work for it. Yes, I know. It's hard eating healthy and it's hard working out every day and it's hard saying no the good food. But I guess it's much easier saying "no" to what you want. Or at least think you want. And before I get judged, few years ago I lost 16 kilos in 6 months. I know what it takes.
If you want a perfect relationship, you should be perfect someone who deserves that perfect someone. No, lying and playing games and pretending you are doing all of that because of your bad past won't get you there. And I just have to tell you this - I know a lot of people that had really bad lives. Some of them lie, manipulate and cheat. They use their bad backround as an excuse for doing to other people what someone else did to them. Well, you know what? They should know how being hurt feels. So when they say they love you and then stab you in your back, guess what. They are using you and they are lifting their ego on your shoulders. But sure as hell they don't love you. Because I know a lot of people that have really sad life-stories and they went through different kinds of abuse but they have a heart of gold and their actions are nothing but love.

Ahh so much to say, so little time. It's 3:15 in the morning and I have a king-size jet lag. Basically, what I was trying to say - if it's important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find excuses.

And you always know when you are lying to yourself. So you should just start loving yourself and stop making decisions that are bad for you just because you're pretending you are making someone else a favor. I know it feels good when you feel liked and I know your ego gets so high on making other people look small. But stop screwing yourself over already, are you still 10? Be objective and look at things the way they are. Choose what's good for you even when you don't like it and make sure you use your brain and really think it through before making that decision.

A lot of bad things you went through could be easily avoided. I'm not saying all of them. And I am really sorry for all the bad that happened in your life and you had no control over it. But you don't live in your past and you are reading this and it means you're alive. So take your chances and stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop looking for excuses. Dear you, stop screwing with yourself. You know what to do, you got this.

Goodnight now and you have a good day. Best one!
Till next time.
Tjaša

A wise man knows what he says.

I'm starting to feel like I'm the crazy one here. I just can't seem to understand life for what it is. And I want to, I want to know how things really are. I'm not afraid it will burn my house to the ground and I'm not afraid I'll get hurt by the truth. Even if that means everything I believed in disappears in front of my wide opened eyes and my whole life slips through my fingers like grains of golden sand. But with every attempt to get closer I seem to just get further away.

I just can't seem to accept nor understand the fact there is no universal truth. I know we can only live in the world we believe in. That's why I think the realest thing we can get close to, is believing and feeling absolutely nothing. Everything in us and around us is our sweet illusion. That kind of scares and fascinates me at the same time because I know I can never escape my head. Never. I'm responsible for everthing that happens to me. How I see it, how I feel about it. What I think is who I become and who I am, until I choose different. But what I can't understand is people's need to find something outside themselves to give them purpose in life. How people try to own other people's mind and feelings, how they try to force their expectations on them. How people pretend they love when they have no idea what love is. They keep on looking for something to make them feel like they have a reason to try and choose to live to see another day. They choose to see unexplainable things in a way that can be implicated into their system of beliefs, so it makes perfect sense through their decision making as they go.

So you can understand how I think our minds work, we have to go back to the beginning. From the moment of conception, the baby's body begins to develop. In as little as three weeks, the baby's brain, spinal cord, heart and other organs begin to form. At about ten weeks baby's brain begin to function. It's from this point on that humans begin learning. Whatever there is going on at that time, will be implicated in our perception and start to form our belief systems on everything that fills our brain. So keep in mind that if you grew up in a different environment, you would be a different person, at least as far as your beliefs are concerned at the starting point of your own mental growth process and personal decision making.

I just got back from Los Angeles and one evening I had the most heart-breaking conversation with an old man. When we met, my heart stopped. I have never seen eyes so deep and full of stories and wisdom. I don't know why but I could feel his look straight to my heart. We just looked at each other in silence and I couldn't look away. His blue eyes were so honest it was almost unreal. He had a long white beard and he kind of looked like a wizard. With a beer, so a modern one I guess.
After he explained some big things to me, I was so ashamed. When we started talking, I kind of had this attitude of knowing my arguments and having life figured out. But boy was I wrong.

Being in love with another human being. He poured his heart out on this one. I had a strong opinion about it. How it is nothing but poison to your soul because you can never escape your true nature of wanting to control and own things. How love makes you blind and makes you do self-destructive decisions and things. How you can't escape giving your peace of mind in someone else's hands.

And he started talking. We were sitting next to each other and he did not even once looked away. His words were beyond anything I have ever heard and as I looked back into his eyes I just couldn't stop my tears from falling. Love is being there for someone no matter what. Love is taking care of that person no matter what. When they are at their best and when they are at their worst. Love is seeing beyond someone's weaknesses and helping them grow. Love is giving and expecting nothing in return. Love is being there for someone even when you think it's not deserved. Love is letting go of your own selfish wishes in order to make that person happy. Love is letting someone be their true self and accepting it no matter what. Love is being able to forgive. Love is being able to make a life-time promise and commitment.

And what he kept on saying really blew me away… it is not about finding that person. It is about you. Can you be that person that loves beyond anything imaginable? Can you stand next to them without expecting anything? Can you forgive when your ego is hurt? Can you love even when you are not loved the way you want to be loved? Can you love them when they are at their worst? Can you love them when things go bad and you get nothing in return? If you walk away when they lose their compass, did you really love them? If you turn away when they make weak decisions, did you really love? If you leave when they are just a sad shadow of what they could be… don't call it love. Can you be that person?

His words cut through me like a knife. I found out later on that he had a wife. She was his soulmate. He found true love in her and he was that man for her. He was for her everything he was talking about. And she was that for him. She died and he lost his purpose. That made me cry even more. He lost the love of his life and there he was with a beer in his hand, telling me how love is worth every single bad second of life it may bring. A night I will never forget.

It made me question how these things are presented to us during our lives. Humans are learning machines and we learn very fast, especially during our early years. So watching all these movies and bad realtionships going on around us gives us the wrong idea of real things. I really hope you have your own understanding of how real things look and feel like. I hope you are able to let yourself feel. Research has shown that we begin learning even while we are in the womb. This learning shapes the person we become and how we behave. So it would be irrational to ignore the fact that whatever you think is an universal truth, is actually your own idea you keep telling yourself to understand whatever there is going on around you and inside of you. Whatever you feel is what you choose to believe and what you choose to be your truth. And it has nothing to do with the reality of whoever is involved. So when it comes to love, build yourself into someone who knows how to cherish it. Someone who knows how to give without taking. Create your system of beliefs into a system of someone, who is able to give truw love. If you think you love when you give pieces of yourself just when it's convenient for you, don't use that word. It's a game you're playing. Not love.

So on my long flight back to Slovenia I tried to sleep and just couldn't. I went through movie playlist and found this. Please, watch it. It's based on a true story and it will break your heart. It's a perfect painted picture of what love is. Ah, I just can't get enough of this beautiful life.

Think of your mind and soul as of a computer - it operates based on how the software is programmed. And humans behave based on how we have programmed our system of beliefs. The problem is, our system of beliefs changes day to day, using that same system of beliefs to create itself. To put it other way, we create what we think of something by using information, we already created ourselves. So there is no escaping our programmed perception, as soon as we start thinking of something in any other way than just having a belief that it simply exists. Our made up realities have a lot to do with our values (what we think is good and bad), beliefs (what we think is true and false) and preferences (what we like and dislike). Here are the origins of our perception of love, friendships, anger, partnership, ourselves and so on. Of basically anything you can think of.

That's why I think you should really think about yourself. Because what you believe is your whole life as you know it. If you want someone to spend your life with, you should think about your reasons for wanting that because in order to find someone you'll be happy with, you must know what you are searching for. Love doesn't exsist as something that just flows around you. I think it's a product of our wish to have someone to share our lives with so we don't think of ourselves as beings who exist just to reproduce. Based on our system of beliefs we try to find someone that fits best in that picture of what we have learned through our lives to be love and to be a kind of person that brings you fulfillment. We developed this whole idea about finding the love of your life and that's okay. So let me just finish. Stop looking for someone to love you and just give love instead. 

Till next time.
Tjaša

No one can and no one may.

Whoa, it's been a week since I've posted my last blog. As you can imagine, life must be really happening. Well, it is. It's great. I'm in Los Angeles, kind of having the time of my life.

That made me think about all the versions of my life that could be going on for me. If I decided to go to England for Christmas, my day would be completely different. I would be with different people, having different conversations, living different life. If I was born in China, there would be no life as I know it. Just so you know - this is my "working place" right now as I write this. Ahh, beautiful life.

I think that in order to find your place under the sun, you must first find it within yourself. Nobody will come and save you. You need to find that peace of mind and hold on to it, whatever it takes. You need a mind that is opened to everything, and attached to nothing. Open-minded people don't force their beliefs on others. They just accept all of life's perspectives and realities, doing their own thing in peace. You must understand your life will be whatever you decide it to be. When you think everything is someone else's fault, you'll suffer. But when you realize everything comes only from yourself, you will find your peace. It's just life, let go. Don't hold on to it. Don't hold on to things. Don't hold on to people. Just let it be as it is. The only thing you can affect and change is your mind. And don't even hold on to yourself as something there just is as it is. If you change who you are, you will change the world as you see it. And that's how your life changes day to day as you change through it. 

You always make the decision. Even when you decide not to decide what your life will be, you made the decision to ignore your ability to understand yourself and who you have to be in order to be truly complete. Spend time with yourself, quiet your mind so the soul can speak. Soul, your subconscience, the life force, whatever you want to call your true self. You need to understand that wherever you'll be, your self will stay the same. So don't run around, stop getting lost in order to find yourself. If you're looking for the one person to change your life, just look in the mirror. It's always going to be just you. "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

I think I really know what I want now. I want to want nothing that keeps me away from myself. I understand now that you cannot travel the path until you become the path itself. I hope to keep that mindset of understanding that things always happen to me, not for me. I want more moments that are mine and mine only. I want to keep my peace of mind by expecting nothing from life. It's so funny, how much I have changed. I find it absolutely useless to expect life to be as I want it. Yes, I work hard in order to achieve what I wish for, but to expect anything? No. I don't want to ruin things by defining them through my eyes. You need to take things as they are. Nothing can ever be anything else but what you think of it. And you must understand that's not how it really is, it is real just for you. Do you really think the whole universe exists just to serve you? Don't you think you are so far away from the nature and everything that surrounds you so perfectly? Your mind can't even understand time and you think you understand life itself? Don't flatter yourself. Everything you see and everything that surrounds you, is not yours to define and own. Let go. Try to find happiness inside of yourself, not inside other people. Try to find it where you are, not where you wish you were. Happiness is not just a feeling. It's a way of life. Relax, breathe. Everything will be okay. If you expect nothing, nothing can go wrong. 

So as I was thinking of all the versions of my life, I realized again I can be whoever I want to be. And this gives me great comfort. If at some point of my life I just won’t feel okay and I won’t feel like I'm being all I could be, the change is at reach. Life is good.

I have a lot more to say but gotta go watch the ocean now. Why? Because I want to. Real things, beautiful things. I'm so damn happy. 

If you are reading this, you are alive. And that is reason enough to smile. Till next time.
Tjaša

Chi, Prana, Ki. Yourself.

You are here now.

When you start a journey of discovering yourself, you come to a point where you must decide who you want to be. You don't just happen. you are a complex result of your decisions and who you are at the moment, is making the decision who to be. It's complex - creating who you want to be, while being who you are.


As I told you a lot of times, you can be whoever you want to be. But I came across a thought on how creating yourself is actually killing everything you are. When you make decisions on your every single action and word, you become this created person. And when you start controlling your thoughts, too - what's there left of you? Of course, that's how you exist - through your decisions and thoughts and actions - but when you separate your being in two (the one who thinks and the one who controls it) you start to become more of the one who controls your mind than your mind actually. You follow?

So when thinking about yourself, you should focus more on who you are and what you really want and not so much on the person that you made up in your head. So if you are someone who can be trusted, manifest it. But if you are someone that can't keep a secret - that's who you are. And maybe instead of changing everything you are, just be honest and tell people you can't be trusted. And there will be people who will take that in package with you and be okay with it.

If you think you will never be able to be loyal in a relationship, and you have problems with cheating, think about what YOU want. Do you want an honest life-time relationship? Because if you do - you need to stop cheating. But maybe you just want to be with different people. And I know a lot of people that are in a relationship but lie and cheat. They pretend they want the commitment, but they really just want someone to hold and to fall asleep with. Well that's okay. Just don't lie to your partner's face. Find someone who wants an open relationship, too. But don't force yourself into monogamy if that's not what you want, just because other people say it's the right thing to do.

If you need a lot of attention, go get it. Everybody will notice it - but not everybody will have a problem with it. If you are surrounded by people that find it annoying and their opinion means a lot to you, you will change yourself into something you are not. And you will stop being loud and you will stop telling everyone your life stories. But if you were srrounded by people that love your big energy and love your stories, you would stay who you are and it would be all good and great.

So, if you moved to a country where nobody knows you and you got a fresh start, who would you be? Be honest. We all know we hide our deepest wishes and we pretend our dark sides are not there. They are most obvious when it comes to sexual desires. 

I think our sexuality is our most primarily being. We are so weak when it comes to it, and it's that weird energy in us. A lot of people talk about sex like it's a bad thing. Like being seductive is a bad thing. Like having a lot of partners during your lifetime is a bad thing. Like talking about it is a bad thing. Like being proud you are sexual is a bad thing. It's that fire in us that burns stronger than many have courage to admit because they are afraid of where it might take them. Listen to yourself, discover other parts of your existance, too.

What I'm thinking and talking about right now, reminded me of this song. I listened to the whole video thousands of times. Lana Del Rey, Ride. A masterpiece. Listen to it, and listen good.

I try to really figure myself out, day by day. This summer I had a little down-time. I do classes all the time, day by day, everyday. And it makes me so happy, it really does. But this summer, I decided to take some time off. I sat in my car in Slovenia and just drove to the Croatian coast. When I was sitting on the beach alone and I was so free of all responsibilities, it really broke my heart. I was so free. It was beyond what words can describe. Wind on my face, silence, peace, sound of the ocean waves. Oh, the ocean. Home. Nobody to send email to, nobody to call. No classes to take, no classes to teach. Just me, myself and I. It felt like nothing ever felt before. It felt like me, just me.

It made me question everything I do. Do I really do what I want or is it just what I decided to do? Do I want my life to be a damn masterpiece or do I want to just exist and feel it for what it is? Did I trick myself into thinking I have to be somebody I don't want to be? So I just sat there for hours and think. I was so happy and sad at the same time. It felt so real and so fulfilling, but nothing was really happening. I was just sitting there with the sun on my face. But in some strange kind of way it felt like I found something I didn't even know I was looking for so desperately. 

When september started and I started teaching again, I was so numb. I came back to my good life but I kept looking for the ocean. I didn't know what to do. So I was honest - I told my dancers how I feel, I told them everything. I told them how I want to just move to another country. How I think there is so much more for me to live than my hometown. And I was numb for the whole week. My mind went places and got lost in the big sky of options and freedom. 

And we talked about it, a lot. I realized I was looking for things that are already in me. As funny as it sounds, the endlessness of the beautiful ocean helped me see it. I started feeling it again. The drive, the joy. Why I dance, why I love these people in my classes. They are damn precious, my life with them is amazing.

So after that, I started coming back to myself more. To my deep thoughts, to my heart. To what I feel, to what I truly want. I feel no shame in things I did in my life. It felt right in the moment. And I'm doing what feels right now. I meditate, I talk, I listen, I feel. Be whoever you want to be, shape yourself into someone that knows what you want and how to get it. But don't forget - while going there, you are already here.

Till next time.
Tjaša

That's why.

I started dancing hiphop when I was 14. I'm 25 now and it's the biggest love of my life since I first stepped into a danceschool. I don't know why but I always saw something more for me in it. I didn't know what's coming from it, but I knew it's what I want to do, no matter what. 

I always wanted to become somebody, I wanted to feel like I matter. I wanted to be someone my mother could be proud of. I wanted to be someone who would make my dad proudly say "that's my girl". And I had this wish inside of me to make myself proud more than anyone else. So I fell in love with dance and this was my once in a lifetime oppurtunity. I grabbed it, and I grabbed it hard.

My hours of training were always just for me. And that was good enough because I didn't know better. I thought I was happiest I could ever be, doing what I was doing. And then I met these girls and they turned my world around and showed me what true joy in heart is. So - three years ago I started teaching a small competitive group by the name Fierce.

When we meet we were all just a bunch of kids, trying to dance as much as possible. These girls did nothing but worked hard. They didn't go to birthday parties, they didn't go to school trips, sometimes they didn't even go on a well deserved vacation. Hours and hours and hours of hard work and commitment. We kind of grew in age and in heart and mind together. They taught me a lot. How to try, how to believe, how to achieve what you want. How not to look for excuses but work instead. How much you are capable of when someone tells you day by day you can do it. I cried so much while I was creating this. They made my life a damn adventure. They were with me through my good and bad days and they gave me what I wished for the most - they made me proud of them and they made me proud of - myself. 

When we started working together, we had no idea, where this road will take us. We just trained hard, harder than we have ever trained before. We expected nothing, we just wanted to do our very best. And then hoped for the best.

In our three seasons together we became state vice champions, state champions, european champions, world vice champions and two times world champions. I still can't believe this, even now. I don't think you can imagine how hard that is.

When we were on our first european championships and we made it to the finals, I went to the backstage and I prayed so hard. I never do, but this broke my heart. I said that if there is any other group on this championships that worked harder, they should win. And my girls can lose. I just prayed that what's fair happens. Because I knew how hard they worked for it and I knew it meant the world to them. Oh God I just wanted them to see that their work paid off, I just wanted them to get what they deserve. And then it happened. They became european champions. I'm crying again. One of the best moments of my life.

I have so much respect and love for these girls. And their parents that support them more than anything in the whole world. They travel with them and give them love and warm huggs and words of hope. And they do the same for me. Thank you.

You need to find what you love and you need to work hard for it.
Why? Look at this video. That's why.

Till next time.
Tjaša

Your life is good.

Hey you! First of all, thank you for reading this. Really. It's 7 in the morning, my body ache is driving me crazy, my neck hurts because I somehow fell asleep with my head hanging off the bed, and I can't feel my right arm. Go figure. Looks like it's gonna be a great day! Because it can't go worse than this, and it will get better and it's not that bad already :)

This video was created as result of a crazy good day. I bumped into my friend Ajda's apartment after finishing my long day and we had a little chat. That didn't go as planned. I said 10 minutes this time!

We talked about our reasons that could be your reasons and we talked about our happiness that could be yours, too. We talked about how honest friendship looks like and how important it is to be yourself. How to achieve your goals. How to work hard, how to think. How good your life really is and how everything will be okay. 

Have a good one, hope this brings you good vibes! And don't forget, this is a new day and a new chance. It can be a new you. A new adventure, a new life. You got this.

Till next time.
Tjaša

Well, meet... me.

Okay so I really wanted to post on daily basics but it’s just impossible. And so I said - vlog, why not.

It’s a total dissaster, but so what. It was weird and fun doing it and before you say anything, just try it. Turn on your camera and try it. It’s not as easy as it looks with all these great vloggers online. So, respect to all of you out there, doing great job with it.

Anyways, this vlog is just a random chat on what was on my mind yesterday when I just couldn’t sleep. A lot has changed in my past few years, I stopped focusing on other people and started to really focus on myself. I found parts of me I didn't really like, but that's okay. I knew I can work on it. And I did. I think we complicate our lives so much, it's actually really simple. Find out what you want, go for it. Find out who you want to be, be that person. You are not getting any younger, your time is limited and your time is right now.

When you look back on things now, you probably see them a lot different then you did when you were in the situation. It's because you know better now. So why don't you create a mindset that will help you go through things right in the moment? Personal growth is really important, trust me.

Stop hanging out with people that are no good for you. Stop forcing yourself into relationships that make you feel bad. Choose the life you want to live, just go!

 Listen - you have a great day, okay? Today could be the best day of your life if you let it. Take chances, be positive, be brave! I want to challenge you today to get out of your comfort zone. You have so much incredible potential on the inside. You have gifts and talents in you that you probably don't know anything about. 3, 2, 1, GO!

Till... next time :)

Tjaša

CHAMPION MINDSET!

"YOU GOT TO WAKE UP EARLY, YOU GOT TO MAKE A  LIST, YOU GOT TO SHOW UP WITH A GREAT ATTITUDE AND YOU GOT TO GET IT DONE!"

What is it that you truly want? What is your life goal? Where do you want to be in five years? Not five, where do you want to be tomorrow? Look in the mirror.That's your competition. Are you better than you were yesterday? Are you doing the work to get you where you know you could be? Wishing on your goal is not taking you there! ARE YOU DOING THE WORK, THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE? Stop saying tomorrow, I'll start tomorrow. No, you need to start right now. Don't think about what you need to do, think about who you have to be to get it done.

Take a list of paper, write it down. Write down everything you need to do to get you to your goal. Maybe it's not happening today or tomorrow or next year. But you will be moving forward, you know you'll be getting there by doing these things! Stop wasting your time and stop looking for excuses. Put up a daily routine and stick to it. Wake up early, drink your coffee, get to work. Stop procrastinating. If you started five years ago, what would your life look like? If you started ten years ago, what would your life look like today? It's not too late, start today. 

If you'll stick to your routine for long enough, it will become natural to you. You will set up a mindest of a winner. You know who a true winner is? Someone who wakes up every morning and decides to go out there, seizes the day and fights whatever comes in the way. Someone who refuses to take the path someone else chose and refuses to settle for less than glorious. Someone who struggles and gets the work done. So tell yourself, I can do this. Because you can, you can do this. Tell yourself you will let no one stop you. It's your path, it's your battle, you're going to fight it, you're going to win it.

When you become that person, you will lose a lot of people. They will hate the fact you don't have time to go to lunch, that you don't stay out late and drink, that you don't come and hang out anymore. But listen to me, you got work to do. You got story to write. They are not moving forward. Getting drunk is not moving forward. Watching hours of series every night is not moving forward! Stop wasting your goddamn time, go and do the work! They will get mad at you, they will call you weird, they will try and talk you out. People don't like watching someone else do the work they know they should be doing. When they see you doing it, they know it's possible. And they will try to stop you, believe me. They will try to tell you it's stupid, it's too hard, you're not good enough, it's impossible. And they are right. It's stupid, too hard and basically impossible... for them. They don't have a mindset of a winner. They are wasting their time telling you all of this, while they should be getting their own shit done! Don't listen to other people. You know where you want to be and you know what you got to do. Do it.

Ask yourself - is what I'm doing right now, taking me where I want to be? If the answer is yes, congratulations. You're making your life a masterpiece. If the answer is no, you net to get up right now. Right now, and go look yourself in the mirror. Who is the person, looking back at you? And be true to yourself. You are exactly where you should be by doing what you do. Describe who you are. Be honest! Are you a coward? Are you unmotivated? Are you looking for excuses? Are you lazy? Admit those things to yourself, it will help you move. Accept who you are and change it if you don't like it. Like I said, don't think about things that need to be done - think about who you need to be to get it done! Breathe in, breathe out. Paper, plan, routine, go!

1. Focus on being productive rather than being busy.
2. Wake up early, make a detailed plan for each and every day, stick to it.
3. Focus on small and continuous improvements.
4. Focus on the positive.
5. Keep track of your progress.
6. Surround yourself with successful people.
7. Inspire others to be successful as well.
8. Don't procrastinate and stop looking for excuses.
9. Disconnect from the negativity in your life.
10. Visualize your goal, every second of your day.

Motivation is not magic. It does not come in a bottle. There is no little blue pill for it. You just have to decide and you have to believe it's possible for you by doing the work.

"To be a champion, I think you have to see the big picture. It's not about winning and losing; it's about every day hard work and about thriving on a challenge. It's about embracing the pain that you'll experience at the end of a race and not being afraid. I think people think too hard and get afraid of a certain challenge." Summer Sanders

"I hated every minute of training, but I said - Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion." Muhammad Ali

"Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday." Wilma Rudolph

"What does it take to be a champion? Desire, dedication, determination, concentration and the will to win." Patty Berg

"A champion is someone who gets up when he can't." Jack Dempsey

"You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round." James J. Corbett

"All the champions - you go and ask Mike Tyson or Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, Lennox Lewis and myself included, and I'm sorry for putting myself in line with all the other great names - but the champion's attitude is it doesn't matter who is in front of me, I am going to conquer this person and win the fight and knock the person out." Wladimir Klitschko

"For me, I'm focused on what I want to do. I know what I need to do to be a champion, so I'm working on it." Usain Bolt

People always look at champions and praise them and look at them as some kind of superheroes. Stop pretending, they are just people - like you. The only difference is, they did the work that needed to be done. So get up and go make yourself proud.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Sad, happy, angry, numb.

Feelings are powerful. It's something you can hide but can never ignore. Yes, you can learn to control it. Well, not actually control it, just control your way of showing it. You can learn how to look at a certain situation and of course that helps a lot with your feelings about it. But once your mind goes there for just a split second, you're already too late.

No matter who you are, what your job is, where you are or who you are with, your life is full of emotions. There is no such things as having no feelings. Because even when you think you feel nothing about something, that is exactly what you feel. Nothing. It's a feeling. Every second of your life you are feeling some kind of way. Sad, happy, angry, numb. It doesn't matter what it is, it's there. Even right now. Think about how you feel. You feel some kind of way, right? And it depends on what you think about. Think of something that made you angry not so long ago. Think of that situation and reason that made you mad. You probably kind of feel that way again. Now think of something that made you really happy and try to visualize it. Think of who was there, what happened, think of how your chest was filled with joy. Feel better?

Through our life we learn to show our emotions through our behaviour - part of it comes natural and part of it is learned. When we are kids we are so honest. We cry and scream when we are angry or sad and we laugh out loud when we are happy. These feelings are still here, they are still in you, all of them. Can you say the same for your honest reactions?

For some reason we begin to hide our emotions. We think that showing our true deepest feelings makes us weak. But does it, really? So on the other side, what makes you strong? You think being emotionally unavailable shows your strenght? I don't think so. You shut the world out and you keep yourself - to yourself. Nobody can reach you, nobody can hurt you. Think of it that way. Is a knight that never goes to battle of any use? Can you say a lion that is fed in captivity is fearless hunter? No, you can't. You can't think you are strong if you let nothing ever happen to you. You can't know how to deal with heartbreak if you never gave yourself to someone else. Hiding from the world does not make you strong. It makes you weak.

You know what really shows your strenght? When after being in a bad relationship, you tell the truth. You tell people you were hurt. You tell them your heart is broken and you tell them you cared so much you still hardly breathe when you think about it.
You must be so strong to tell people you are sorry. To admit you messed up. To stand in front of people with your heart on your sleeve. It's not hard to pretend you don't care. That way people can't take advantage of you because they got nothing on you. If you pretend not to be hurt when something bad happens, they will think you are fine. They will think your life is so put together that you are invinsible. And you believe it to. If you trick them into thinking they didn't hurt you, maybe now you can both pretend nothing happened. What kind of sick game is that?

A lot of times we ask people if they are okay and we get this well known answer "I'm fine." Clearly, they are not fine. But they say that to avoid a dialog that might make things even worse. If you think about it, a lot of people enjoy your drama so much it's crazy. They call themselves your friends but the truth is, a lot of them can't wait to see you fail. And they ask you things that make you feel even worse and they make sure they tell you how great they are doing. So there you are, being honest, looking weak. I think experiences like this often lead to denial, self-isolation and even deeper emotional pain. Hiding your emotions puts up an imaginary wall between you and what hurts you. You think showing more emotion will bring you more pain. Pain means you are hurt. Being hurt means you are wonurable. Being wonurable means being weak. Being weak makes you feel like you have no control over yourself and that gives other people power over you.

And then there's the fear that showing our emotional pain might makes us look ridiculous. I bet it happened to you before - you told someone about somethig that hurt you and they laughed at you and told you you are overreacting and that you should stop being so sensitive and that you should grow up. That makes you feel in some way abnormal. You think that if others don't or can't  understand what you are feeling, even though it's so real to you, there must be something wrong with you. And then you feel awkward and embarrassed and you think that your feelings might lead others to take you less seriously than they might have if you didn't feel they way you do. And there it starts. You start shutting yourself off.

By doing so, you make it impossible for people to know when they hurt you or when they make you happy. That's not good for you. You make it hard for yourself to experience real things. I talked about this before. When you put your walls really high, no one can hurt you. But no one can make you happy either.

So what I think is the most important thing of them all - honesty. Just be who you are. Laugh out loud, cry out loud. Tell people what you like and what you don't like. Tell them what you are afraid of and what you feel in the darkest corners of your soul. Stop pretending it's not you. What, are you ashamed of who you are? Don't you dare. You didn't come this far to only come this far. You've had your ups and downs but who didn't. All of that makes you - you. I know, it's so hard.  You have to be so strong because day by day you risk that people will dislike who you really are. Maybe someone you like a lot, absolutely hates everything about who you are. And you can't pretend it's not real because it is. But when someone likes you it's real, too. And it's lika a damn rollercoaster because when you are honest you get knocked down and you get lifted back up again all the time. But hey, don't be afraid to show your feelings. People that love you will listen and try to understand. They will respect the fact you are showing them your heart and it will not make you weak in their eyes. How could it? It's the bravest thing someone can do.


Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Allow yourself to see the beauty.

Imagine something. You are in your 40's. You have a great job, a lot of money, you sorted your things out. You live in a fancy apartment and you have a big career. You are very attractive and you can have your pick in partners. You are living your life like you are still in your 20's, you go to crazy parties and travel. You are not married and you are not in a relationship, you are free of all responsibilities except of taking care of yourself. You can have all the sex you want and all the freedom you want. You wake up, you go to work, you earn money, you get home, drink a glass of wine and watch your expensive TV. You have a dog and a pool. You have expensive clothes and your account just got bigger for the rent someone just paid for one of your apartments. People see you as an extremely successful person and you are very respected. You call one of your single friends and you go to a restaurant to have your lunch, then to a bar for a drink. Because no one is waiting for you at home, you just stay at the bar and meet other single friends and you drink until the morning. You look at all these young people drinking, having fun, hooking up. What a freedom, you are so much older but still have that young life. You have no one else to think about, no one else to take care of, no one else to disappoint, no one else to get hurt by, no one else to give yourself to, no one else to picture your life with, no one else to have a family with, no one else to call yours, no one else to miss, no one else to love.
Freedom. Is that what you call it?

Now imagine that. You are in your 40's. You have a kid and you are about to lose your mind. You just woke up, still tired from the past day, and your kid is on your face. Let's say you have a 7-year old boy. He wants breakfast and you need to take him to school and he forgot his homework and it's winter but he really wants to wear shorts. Now explain that to a 7-year old. You get up and your day starts. Your partner already left for work, so you have to brush your teeth while looking for school bag and eat your breakfast while you dress up. You trip over toys and the kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it. Your kid keeps on asking things and you are so stressed already. On top of that, you are late for your job. You take the boy to school and when you walk with him to the classroom, he holds your arm with his little arm. He gives you the biggest hug and kisses you on the cheek and then he waves goodbye. You are so proud. You have a little boy that just started school. 
You go to your workplace and get one hundred messages from your partner. "Can you go to the store and buy a Christmas tree, we need to find a perfect gift for our boy, can you take him to the football match today please, don't forget to take the meat out of the freezer, don't forget we have a dinner reservation tonight, I miss you, stop ignoring my texts just because I told you I hate it when you forget to clean the dishes,..." And after your work you go to the store and buy things you need and your partner needs and your kid needs. And you buy some chocolate, too. Because it will make your son so very happy. You get home and there is millions of stuff to do. You often think of that single friend that has fun all the time. You keep on getting invitations to these crazy parties and you just can't go, because you are drawing a big dinosaur for your kid's school project. And you can't wake up with a hangover on sunday, because sunday is family time. You plan to decorate the Christmas tree and cut paper snowflakes and cuddle and talk about life and plan your future with the love of your life. You need to clean and get your apartment in order. You have people that rely on you, that expect things from you, that miss you, that want you around. And you can make them sad sometimes but you can make them so happy, too. Their lives would be so much different if you didn't exist. You matter.

When I started thinking about my life a lot, I had this idea in my head. I thought the only way to have a guarantee for a happy life is to be by yourself. You can do what you want, when you want it, the way you want it. You can really have your life planned out just for you and what you think is good for you. You don't get attached to people, so there is no way of getting hurt. You have some friends and that should be enough if times get lonely. You know you can get a good job and you'll know how to take care of yourself. If you mess things up, it's only you who has to take responsibility and consenquences.

But then I thought about it some more. Do I want that? Do I want to be alone? Do I want my life to be a book of short stories? No, I want it to be the longest novel ever. I want to matter to people, I want to love people, I want to do things for people, I want to work hard for someone, I want someone to choose - me. I want a family one day. I want to love someone so much, it will make my heart burn. Yes, I know I can get hurt. But so what? That's why I think about it now, before I get myself into something stupid again. What do I want my life to look like in 20 years? Do I want to sit in bars and flirt with other single 40-year olds? No! Do I even want to sit in a bar when I'm 40? Hell no. I want a house and a golden retriever. I want to be financially stable and I want to have a beautiful relationship. I want to look back on my life and know I did it all. I had my share of parties but I'm not 18 anymore. It's time to decide and start building a life. I want real things. I don't want my life to just be my job. I want to have crazy schedule with someone, I want to be a part of something real, I want my future to be with someone special. And that someone special is not me. It must be so wonderful when you find someone that wants something like that with you, too. When you find someone that says "Oh my God I just love you so much, I want a family with you.", that is like the greates thing ever! Do you know what a big deal that is? Someone finds you so amazing and loves you so much, they are prepared to give you their lives. And studies show that no matter how successful people are and no matter how much money they have, the happiest people are the people with strong relationships in life.

Something for you. This TED talk is by Robert Waldinder and I highly recommend his shared lessons from the longest study on happiness via Harvard. Robert is the fourth Director of the 75 year study tracking the lives of 724 men which is now following their wives and over 2000 children. The study of adult development has looked at their work, home lives (including intimate conversations with their wives) and health (including medical records). The men were a split group of Harvard Sophomores and a group from one of Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods. You really really need to see this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI So what have they learned to date? Robert shares: “Well, the lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” He shares it’s not about being married (study cites you can be lonely in a marriage) but the quality of your relationships versus quantity. In a world where fame and money are often glorified by our youth and viewed as the route to happiness a timely message that in fact what’s the most crucial are those real relationships.

So what makes a good life? As Robert so convincingly shares however, the most important thing in life are good relationships. So you don't need to be alone to be happy. Let people in. Allow yourself to see the beauty of lovig and being loved in return.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Make a plan, stick to it.

Okay so you have a hectic schedule, million things to do. School and your job and fitness and lunch with your parents and you need some time for your friends and ahhh!
Don't worry, you got this! Make a plan, stick to it, work things out. You have as many hours in your day as Beyonce! Okay she has people doing stuff for her, but you know what I mean.

So, take a list of paper. Write down all of the things you need to do. Everything. You need to go to the bank, you need to study, you need to call somebody, you have to send an email. Just write it down, all of it. Then write numbers next to it. 1 is the most important and 9218926 is the least important. Then rewrite it, from 1 to all the way down. Now you have everything in front of you. Take a deep breath and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You will work things out, you will take care of everything. Just get your ass off the couch.

Take another paper and just write the number 1 and what it is that you have to do. Make a plan on how you will take care of it. Just start by choosing a day and break it down to hours. And go crazy here, make a plan for that day hour by hour.

For example, this is how I do it:

If you have a lot of things on your mind, this will help you keep everything in order and prevent you from forgetting stuff. And write everything down, everyting!

But there is another thing you should think about. If you answer the question "How are you?" with "Crazy busy!" all the time and most people start a conversation with you like "I know you are really busy...", you should really do something about your lifestyle. Set your priorities straight. Do you really need to go have 10 drinks with your friends a day? That won't get you a job. Take a week and write down what you do through the day. You wake up, you spend two hours on Instagram, then another one on Facebook and then you go grab a coffee. And if you have a job, that takes away 8 hours in your day. And then another coffee and you study a little and you're tired and you need to go to bed to get some sleep. And then you spend one hour watching funny cats. Hey, that's not exactly sticking to the plan.

First of all, figure out what you want. Do you want to finish school and get a job? Okay so your priority is not playing basketball all day long, but studying. Do you want to be a dancer and you still go to school? Okay study so you get through high school and dance as much as you can. When a chance come knocking at your door, you'll be ready. Do you want more money? Work hard and work smarter. How to do that? Make a plan! Think about things that are getting you closer to what you want and stop wasting time on things that are not.

Another thing. People you hang out with. If you want to be successful, hang out with successful people and learn from them. They are doing things that can take you there. If you take advice from people that spend their days playing video games, what do you think where these advices will get you? To a basment with a X-box in your lap.
You are who you hang out with. Not just based on their education and jobs, but based on their way of thinking. I hate it when people say "He is sooooo intelligent but he just doesn't know what to do with his life and the society doesn't understand him...". Just stop it, we all know that's not the case. If you are really that intelligent, you know your IQ won't pay your bills. And if you don't care about that, you can't be that smart either. You know what smart people do? They take care of their business and they find a way to get what they want. They work their asses off.

Think of anyone successful. What do you think how they got there? It's blood, sweat and tears. It's hard to make your life a damn masterpiece. On your way there, you can lose a lot. You can lose friends, you can lose lovers, you can even lose your job. But it's your journey, not theirs. So nobody is going to do your work, forget about it.

What people really like to do, is looking for exuces. You think you are not where you are not because you didn't do what you should, but because of this and that. I found a list of most common excuses, hope you don't use a lot of them.

1. I don't have enough time.
2. It's too late, I should have started earlier.
3. It's too hard.
4. I'm waiting for the right inspiration.
5. I don't have enough money.
6. I'm too tired.
7. I'll start tomorrow.
8. I'm too young.
9. I'm too old.
10. It's not meant to be or it would've happend by now.
11. I don't have enough talent.
12. It'll take too much time.
13. I'll have to neglect the people who need me.
14. I'm not sure it's the right thing.
15. What if I fail? (yeah, so what if you do?)
16. I have too much on my plate.
17. It's too risky.
18. I'm too scared.
19. I don't have the right resources.
20. I've alredy invested too much time in what I'm doing now.
21. I don't have the right connections.
22. Too many people have already tried and failed.
23. I don't know how to do that.
24. Nobody will support me.
25. I don't have the skills.
26. I don't know where to start.
27. I don't have the guts.
28. I can't beat the competition.
29. This isn't the right time.
30. No one has ever done it before.

You know, if you really want something, you'll work hard for it. Set your goals high, you can get yourself there. Make a plan, stick to it. You are the master of your destiny. You can find a way or you can always find excuses. If you ran out of them here's a list, just scroll up.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

You are the problem. But that's okay.

How to fix your problems? Actually, it's about how to find your ways around things, so you stay calm. It's about understanding the problem.

It's very important to work on your ability to step away from your subjective opininon and stick to the fact. So when you are facing a problem, it's most important to know what the problem really is. For example - if someone is drunk and is making a scene and wants to drive home because he got all sad and crazy, the problem is not the fact that he wants to drive home, but the fact he is craving attention so bad, he would even drive home, dead drunk. 

If you have a friend that always makes a scene and you always need to be careful with words around, the problem is not really in that person, but in all of you, letting that person be that way. The problem lies in all of you listening to the drama and being a part of it, even when you don't like it. Probably most of the time. You create an environment, where that person can be someone like that. So if you don't like it, stop pushing it by being a part of it. You can't say you hate chocolate while stuffing your mouth with Nutella.

So if you are in a relationship and someone treats you badly, what you expect is not that person's problem. Every single person on this earth has the right to be whoever they want to be. So if you want an honest relationship and your partner is lying to you, that is not your partner's problem. That's YOUR problem, because YOU are not getting what YOU want. And it's YOUR problem because  YOU decided to stay in a relationship like that. It's same with everything else. Nobody exists on this planet to serve you. Only to fulfill your wishes and to be who you want them to be. So when people treat you like you want them to, it's always because they decide to, not because they have to. Never forget that. So you should always keep in mind that there is no use in talking people into certain ways of thinking or behaviour. You can train a dog, but it's still a dog. People will always be whoever they want to be. With or without you. So if you have poisonous people in your life, stop creating the problem that is not there. You want to think about it and make their behaviour and way of thinking yours to change. It's not your problem. Be objective. The problem is - you don't like how they treat you. Solution? Move on.

You have to understand that you have no right to put people under the pressure of your expectations. You know they have their own lives to live right? Who cares what you want? You should care and you should take care of it. Stop putting people into positions of masters of your happiness, it's tiring. Can you imagine someone you care about expect you to be something you are not? Can you even imagine how bad that makes you feel? You put someone in charge of you happiness and then you wait for them to do what you expect and pressure them. If you don't like someone, just move on. Just move on. Stop it. 

If you are in a relationship and you think about your partner million times a day, and send that person hundreds of messages, what do you expect? You expect them to text you back. And not just that. You expect them to text you first, too. Three times a minute. Because that's your way of showing you care and if they don't do that, you think they don't feel the same. And you create a problem that's not there and you get sad and you become a victim. Newsflash. You are the problem. And if you tell them you love them a lot, what do you expect? You know what. You expect them to tell you they are crazy about you, all the time. You are only capable of knowing your own feelings, and that makes you so selfish in a lot of situations. Not everyone love the way you do. Not everyone show they care the way you do. Not everyone is fixing their problems the way you do. And it doesn't mean it has anything to do with you. Because it doesn't. They are just who they are and how they function, it's you who is making a problem of it. If you don't like it, move on. Let people be.

So another example. You have a friend you love to hang out with, but that friend never calls you. And because you do, you get angry. That friend is not a friend because of that. You are a true friend, you are doing it the right way. Well guess what. Maybe that friend doesn't have that much time and maybe when he or she has it, it's for something else they like more than they like you. So what. So what! They are not here to serve you and make your life full of sunshine. Go find your own meadow of flowers. If they got your back, if they help you when you need them, that's their way of showing they care. Maybe your way of showing it is paying for the coffee. Does it have anything to do with you being a friend? No. You should be able to fill your life with things that make you happy and are only yours. Things that YOU do, not others. Your happiness should not depend on others. It should depend on you. But you need to stop expecting things because you're gonna be so damn disappointed all the time. Do what YOU want and what YOU can do.

When you start to understand how relationships between people work, it gets so much easier. Listen to your own voice and do what feels right. Let other people do the same and respect it. Stop thinking it's always about you, because it's not. They didn't call you because they probably have something to do that's more important to them than you are at that moment. And that has nothing to do with you, it's just what they want. And they have every right to decide for themselves. Don't be needy and possessive. Stop expecting, it's not fair.

But here is one thing people just don't want to understand. Maybe someone wants nothing from you and has no feelings for you, but he or she just enjoys your company. They won't call you to hang out, they won't talk to you about their personal stuff, they won't care. But they like your company sometimes. And they can talk to you for hours and hours. But just that. And most of people can't have a relationship with someone like that, because they don't feel appreciated. Why? Because it's not how they think it should be. "I am only loved when I am loved the way I want to be loved. I only know how to be appreciated when I feel wanted. I only can give when I get first. I can only be honest when I'm sure." This will eat you inside out. 

So you should always think about the problem you are working on. Is it really a problem? What exactly is the problem? Is it me? Can I fix it? Is it in my head, can I work my way around it? Because in almost every situation you will realize - the problem is you.

Don't worry. If you were able to create it, you can fix it.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Ahh life. You keep my soul thirsty.

At the moment, you only have right now. And it's gone. The moment is gone. But you have a new moment right now, again. And it's gone, in a split second. You know what I mean? Okay this blog will be a bit different. I'm going to explain to you what most of my thoughts look like. How I think about things that I talk about in all of these blog posts. Ideas don't just come in their final version. It's millions of little thoughts, memories, predictions, feelings and blank spaces before I understand what I actually think. Does that make sense to you? So I was thinking about my exsistence. How I always only exist in one short time period. A time period so short, it's not even measurable, I think. So when people say you only have right now, they are right. Not now, as saying "today", but like "right now". You only have right right right now. You don't have the past, you don't have the future. You don't exist in your past anymore, and you don't exist in your future yet. But you do now. Ah, and the moment is gone. When you read the word "gone" just now - well, the moment is over. You don't exist in that moment anymore, you are never getting it back again. Gone. If I'm right - the universe, all the people you know and don't know, all of the animals, all of the plants, sky, rivers, material things,... everything exists right now, too. There's no other option, because nothing can exist in the past or the future, right? So everything you see and don't see, feel and don't feel, know and don't know, everyting exists right now in this one shortest moment with you. You follow? What I find strange is how everything can function so perfect? Things have purpose just because of the continuinity of meanings in the moment of exsistance, that build a time period. But they mean nothing by itself in that exact moment of existing. Things function through that little pieces of time, but how? If everything exists just in that same moment, how can things react one to another? So if we could freeze time and everything would stop, looking at every single thing nothing would make any sense. You create your thoughts with time, making connections of information you have, and you are able to keep that thought and work around it. But what is a thought in that smallest moment? It can't be anything you create in your head because of memory, it's just a thought, kind of becoming a thought. And it's the same when we talk. If you could just catch your voice in the moment, there would be no words. Just noise. And it's the same with everything you can think of. Everything you do in your actual momentary existence, makes no sense. So how can we talk and travel through time se easily? How is it possible for our brain to pretend we exsist for more than just a blink of an eye? Because we do think that. But it's impossible. So how on Earth can we have our lives, communicating to people, how can we even think? How can we remember things, how is it possible that time frames stay in our brain? And information, how can they form thoughts? A lot of times, I get a feeling I'm bigger than myself. I'm not kidding, it's a funny feeling. Well not funny. It's a majestic feeling, beyond anything you can imagine. I feel like I'm everything in the moment, like I'm the whole world, like I'm the universe. I don't feel my body, I just feel my existence. Oh that is so hard to explain. It's an interesting feeling because you feel like you are not where you are. You are everywhere, in everything around you. Because in the smallest time unit we are all one. We all create everything. There's no other way of explaining it. Everything around us exists and creates our reality, while we exist in the same exact moment and create that same reality to everything around us. Don't lose me now! The only way for everything there is in us and around us and above us and below us - to function, is that we must all be one. I don't see another explanation. We are the same energy (existence), just in different bodies and shapes and whatever. When a baby is born, how did it start? It was in his cells all the time. Because is everywhere, in you and all around you. We are life. We are that strange thing no one knows how to explain. Not even scientists. We are pure existence. When you shut down all of your thoughts, everything you know and everything that occupies your mind, when you feel the wind on your face and air in your lungs, you can feel it. It's real. You don't detect time period you're in, you don't feel the space around you. You are time, you are the space around you. You are the wind. If your mind didn't function, your head would be empty, nothing. Does it mean you don't exist? No, but you can only exist in what you know and understand. If your brain could feel other people's feeling, you would exist in them too, right? If you were able to feel what wind through tree crochet feels like, you could be a tree, right? I hope you follow this, I try to explain but ahh it's so hard. But because you can only feel and use your body, you think that is all you are. It's not true, it's just everything you are able to understand. But you are so much more, you are one with everything that exist. I'm so sure. There is no time, there is no space, there is no friendships. There are just interactions and thoughts, day by day, every day from the begining, every split second you must re-create everything you are and everything you know. Because nothing can exist in the past and in the future. Yes, you are in that place and time, but just because you think so. You can only be what you think. You can only have a world around you the way your brain hallucinates it. Imagine not knowing anything that you know. Not having any information. So when you take away your physical abilities of perception, what are you? If you can concentrate, try to take away your body. Be left with just your mind. Not head and a brain. Just your mind. It's all you are. You are a thought, you are an idea. You are a feeling. Try to imagine existence like something that is not just in you. Try to think of it as something there just is. Around you, through you, in you. Everywhere. You are existence. When first atoms came into being in the early universe, all over the universe those atoms lumped together under gravity until the pressure and temperature became so high that the hydrogen atoms fused together to form heavier elements. The reaction is nuclear fusion. Many stars die as a supernova, without doubt the most violent explosions in the universe. The supernova which was just a single star becomes as bright as the complete galaxy it's part of. During the supernova explosion all the elements are thrown into space. So everything the earth consists of comes from such an exploding star. And the next step is life. You. Stop acting so small, you are the universe in estatic motion.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Turn off your fake life.

I spend a lot of time talking to people. And it’s funny how easy it is to forget about my phone with some and how all I can think about with others is - my phone. I don’t think the problem is really in the conversation you are having because that is actually all there is happening for you at the moment. And what you do is, you start comparing your life on social media to the one you are experiencing. And because you can make your life whatever you want it to be on Facebook or Instagram, you take a photo of your drink and post it, saying something like ‘Having the best time eveeeerrrr’ even though you are bored to death. But let’s make sure nobody else knows it, right? You have a person in front of you. You have a human mind, full of experiences, ideas and stories to tell. You have an option of having the best time ever, an option to feel that person’s energy and an option to practice your social skills. But no, you choose to check your phone minute after minute, making it impossible for you to even follow a conversation. Cell phones are constantly being improved by expanding upon their functionalities, which in turn increases the possibility of overuse and addiction. According to the PEW Research Center, 67% of smartphone owners have admitted to checking their phone when their phone didn’t vibrate or ring. Admit it, you do it too. Well, I know I do it all the time if I'm not doing something that really occupies my mind. But what's interesting about it, I do it even though I find that so disrecpetful. People are giving us their precious time and they are never getting it back. But we throw it away like it’s ours to waste. If we don’t have an honest interest in that person, we should just stay home and spend that hour on our phone. But when we meet with someone, put the phone away. Not on the table, even if you turn the screen upside down. The phone is still there and you will check on it sooner or later. It’s a serious addiction, even if you don’t see it for what it is right now. A lot of people started pointing out the obvious problem people have because of all the technology that is with us every second of our lives. Especially young people became really obsessed with it and studies show that people that use social media a lot, lose a big part of rhetorical skills and are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. After reading a lot of articles about it, I started thinking about what would my days look like if I didn’t have a phone. What would I do? What would be different? First of all, I would have to buy an alarm clock, a handwatch and a calendar. Oh, an alarm clock without a ‘snooze’ option for sure. That would be a smart idea. I would set an alarm to wake me up at 6:30. I would get up and go take a shower. By the time I usually get to the bathroom, I check my phone about 3926291 times. Okay, a big cup of coffee and here we go. What to do? Hmm, I don’t have magazines. Oh I know, I have books. I have great books in my apartment. So my morning would be a cup of coffee and a book. Oh wow, how cool is that! I’d like that. I’d like that a lot. Okay, so I had my caffeine dose and I read, now I have about three hours before I have to leave the apartment. I don’t have my phone, so Facebook and Instagram are not an option. Okay, I can read some more. It’s not a bad idea. I have books about Romanian law, books about Napoleon, books about animals, books about psychology and much more. Oh I feel so stupid right now. How could I ever choose social media over all that knowledge? Tjaša, you are making some dumb decisions here. Obviously. If I didn't feel like reading, I could take a walk. I could go have a run and I could spend my morning somewhere in nature, having a better connection than the fastest wifi on this planet. But no, I choose every day to spend it with my face down to the screen. Aghhh. Thank God for the hand watch because otherwise I would have no idea what time it is. But again, no need to use my phone. Okay I would leave my place and sit in the car. I don’t have my phone, so I guess it’s radio time. News, new songs, radars, politics,... I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I do my playlists, but I would survive. Okay then I would have to buy some kind of mp3 player, classes time. I would spend entire day in the dance school, filling my time with real interactions with dancers. I would have no other option. That sounds great, I just realized I should put my phone away during classes. Okay classes ended, coffee time. I don’t have my phone, so I don’t want to sit alone. Because I’d have nothing to do. What now? Well I should ask someone from my classes to join me. That’s just great! Quality time! So not having a phone turns out to be a great idea, again. Because I don’t have my phone, I have to give my full attention to the person next to me. Wonderful. And no need to worry to be late because I have a haaaand watch! So after that I would get back home and whaaaat to dooo, I don’t have my phone! Well guess what, I have books and I have people to talk to and I have nature all around me to refill my batteries. And I have myself to think about and I can take a paper and write. All there is left without a phone are just beautiful real things.