Sad, happy, angry, numb.

No matter who you are, what your job is, where you are or who you are with, your life is full of emotions. There is no such things as having no feelings. Because even when you think you feel nothing about something, that is exactly what you feel. Nothing. It's a feeling. Every second of your life you are feeling some kind of way. Sad, happy, angry, numb. It doesn't matter what it is, it's there. Even right now. Think about how you feel. You feel some kind of way, right? And it depends on what you think about. Think of something that made you angry not so long ago. Think of that situation and reason that made you mad. You probably kind of feel that way again. Now think of something that made you really happy and try to visualize it. Think of who was there, what happened, think of how your chest was filled with joy. Feel better?

Through our life we learn to show our emotions through our behaviour - part of it comes natural and part of it is learned. When we are kids we are so honest. We cry and scream when we are angry or sad and we laugh out loud when we are happy. These feelings are still here, they are still in you, all of them. Can you say the same for your honest reactions?

For some reason we begin to hide our emotions. We think that showing our true deepest feelings makes us weak. But does it, really? So on the other side, what makes you strong? You think being emotionally unavailable shows your strenght? I don't think so. You shut the world out and you keep yourself - to yourself. Nobody can reach you, nobody can hurt you. Think of it that way. Is a knight that never goes to battle of any use? Can you say a lion that is fed in captivity is fearless hunter? No, you can't. You can't think you are strong if you let nothing ever happen to you. You can't know how to deal with heartbreak if you never gave yourself to someone else. Hiding from the world does not make you strong. It makes you weak.

You know what really shows your strenght? When after being in a bad relationship, you tell the truth. You tell people you were hurt. You tell them your heart is broken and you tell them you cared so much you still hardly breathe when you think about it.
You must be so strong to tell people you are sorry. To admit you messed up. To stand in front of people with your heart on your sleeve. It's not hard to pretend you don't care. That way people can't take advantage of you because they got nothing on you. If you pretend not to be hurt when something bad happens, they will think you are fine. They will think your life is so put together that you are invinsible. And you believe it to. If you trick them into thinking they didn't hurt you, maybe now you can both pretend nothing happened. What kind of sick game is that?

A lot of times we ask people if they are okay and we get this well known answer "I'm fine." Clearly, they are not fine. But they say that to avoid a dialog that might make things even worse. If you think about it, a lot of people enjoy your drama so much it's crazy. They call themselves your friends but the truth is, a lot of them can't wait to see you fail. And they ask you things that make you feel even worse and they make sure they tell you how great they are doing. So there you are, being honest, looking weak. I think experiences like this often lead to denial, self-isolation and even deeper emotional pain. Hiding your emotions puts up an imaginary wall between you and what hurts you. You think showing more emotion will bring you more pain. Pain means you are hurt. Being hurt means you are wonurable. Being wonurable means being weak. Being weak makes you feel like you have no control over yourself and that gives other people power over you.

And then there's the fear that showing our emotional pain might makes us look ridiculous. I bet it happened to you before - you told someone about somethig that hurt you and they laughed at you and told you you are overreacting and that you should stop being so sensitive and that you should grow up. That makes you feel in some way abnormal. You think that if others don't or can't  understand what you are feeling, even though it's so real to you, there must be something wrong with you. And then you feel awkward and embarrassed and you think that your feelings might lead others to take you less seriously than they might have if you didn't feel they way you do. And there it starts. You start shutting yourself off.

By doing so, you make it impossible for people to know when they hurt you or when they make you happy. That's not good for you. You make it hard for yourself to experience real things. I talked about this before. When you put your walls really high, no one can hurt you. But no one can make you happy either.

So what I think is the most important thing of them all - honesty. Just be who you are. Laugh out loud, cry out loud. Tell people what you like and what you don't like. Tell them what you are afraid of and what you feel in the darkest corners of your soul. Stop pretending it's not you. What, are you ashamed of who you are? Don't you dare. You didn't come this far to only come this far. You've had your ups and downs but who didn't. All of that makes you - you. I know, it's so hard.  You have to be so strong because day by day you risk that people will dislike who you really are. Maybe someone you like a lot, absolutely hates everything about who you are. And you can't pretend it's not real because it is. But when someone likes you it's real, too. And it's lika a damn rollercoaster because when you are honest you get knocked down and you get lifted back up again all the time. But hey, don't be afraid to show your feelings. People that love you will listen and try to understand. They will respect the fact you are showing them your heart and it will not make you weak in their eyes. How could it? It's the bravest thing someone can do.


Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

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