A wise man knows what he says.
I'm starting to feel like I'm the
crazy one here. I just can't seem to understand life for what it is. And I want
to, I want to know how things really are. I'm not afraid it will burn my house
to the ground and I'm not afraid I'll get hurt by the truth. Even if that means
everything I believed in disappears in front of my wide opened eyes and my
whole life slips through my fingers like grains of golden sand. But with every
attempt to get closer I seem to just get further away.
I just can't seem to accept nor
understand the fact there is no universal truth. I know we can only live in the
world we believe in. That's why I think the realest thing we can get close to,
is believing and feeling absolutely nothing. Everything in us and around us is
our sweet illusion. That kind of scares and fascinates me at the same time
because I know I can never escape my head. Never. I'm responsible for everthing
that happens to me. How I see it, how I feel about it. What I think is who I
become and who I am, until I choose different. But what I can't understand is
people's need to find something outside themselves to give them purpose in life.
How people try to own other people's mind and feelings, how they try to force
their expectations on them. How people pretend they love when they have no idea
what love is. They keep on looking for something to make them feel like they
have a reason to try and choose to live to see another day. They choose to see
unexplainable things in a way that can be implicated into their system of
beliefs, so it makes perfect sense through their decision making as they go.
So you can understand how I think our
minds work, we have to go back to the beginning. From the moment of conception,
the baby's body begins to develop. In as little as three weeks, the baby's
brain, spinal cord, heart and other organs begin to form. At about ten weeks
baby's brain begin to function. It's from this point on that humans begin
learning. Whatever there is going on at that time, will be implicated in our
perception and start to form our belief systems on everything that fills our
brain. So keep in mind that if you grew up in a different environment, you
would be a different person, at least as far as your beliefs are concerned at
the starting point of your own mental growth process and personal decision making.
I just got back from Los Angeles and one
evening I had the most heart-breaking conversation with an old man. When we
met, my heart stopped. I have never seen eyes so deep and full of stories and
wisdom. I don't know why but I could feel his look straight to my heart. We
just looked at each other in silence and I couldn't look away. His blue eyes
were so honest it was almost unreal. He had a long white beard and he kind of
looked like a wizard. With a beer, so a modern one I guess.
After he explained some big things to me, I was so ashamed. When we started
talking, I kind of had this attitude of knowing my arguments and having life
figured out. But boy was I wrong.
Being in love with another human being. He poured his heart out on this one. I
had a strong opinion about it. How it is nothing but poison to your soul
because you can never escape your true nature of wanting to control and own
things. How love makes you blind and makes you do self-destructive decisions
and things. How you can't escape giving your peace of mind in someone else's
hands.
And he started talking. We were sitting
next to each other and he did not even once looked away. His words were beyond
anything I have ever heard and as I looked back into his eyes I just couldn't
stop my tears from falling. Love is being there for someone no matter what.
Love is taking care of that person no matter what. When they are at their best
and when they are at their worst. Love is seeing beyond someone's weaknesses and
helping them grow. Love is giving and expecting nothing in return. Love is
being there for someone even when you think it's not deserved. Love is letting
go of your own selfish wishes in order to make that person happy. Love is letting
someone be their true self and accepting it no matter what. Love is being able
to forgive. Love is being able to make a life-time promise and commitment.
And what he kept on saying really blew me away… it is not
about finding that person. It is about you. Can you be that person that loves
beyond anything imaginable? Can you stand next to them without expecting
anything? Can you forgive when your ego is hurt? Can you love even when you are
not loved the way you want to be loved? Can you love them when they are at
their worst? Can you love them when things go bad and you get nothing in
return? If you walk away when they lose their compass, did you really love
them? If you turn away when they make weak decisions, did you really love? If
you leave when they are just a sad shadow of what they could be… don't call it
love. Can you be that person?
His words cut through me like a knife. I
found out later on that he had a wife. She was his soulmate. He found true love
in her and he was that man for her. He was for her everything he was talking
about. And she was that for him. She died and he lost his purpose. That made me
cry even more. He lost the love of his life and there he was with a beer in his
hand, telling me how love is worth every single bad second of life it may bring.
A night I will never forget.
It made me question how these things are
presented to us during our lives. Humans are learning machines and we learn
very fast, especially during our early years. So watching all these movies and
bad realtionships going on around us gives us the wrong idea of real things. I
really hope you have your own understanding of how real things look and feel
like. I hope you are able to let yourself feel. Research has shown that we
begin learning even while we are in the womb. This learning shapes the person we
become and how we behave. So it would be irrational to ignore the fact that
whatever you think is an universal truth, is actually your own idea you keep
telling yourself to understand whatever there is going on around you and inside
of you. Whatever you feel is what you choose to believe and what you choose to
be your truth. And it has nothing to do with the reality of whoever is
involved. So when it comes to love, build yourself into someone who knows how
to cherish it. Someone who knows how to give without taking. Create your system
of beliefs into a system of someone, who is able to give truw love. If you think you love
when you give pieces of yourself just when it's convenient for you, don't use
that word. It's a game you're playing. Not love.
So on my long flight back to Slovenia I tried to sleep and just couldn't. I went through movie playlist and found this. Please, watch it. It's based on a true story and it will break your heart. It's a perfect painted picture of what love is. Ah, I just can't get enough of this beautiful life.
Think of your mind and soul as of a computer - it
operates based on how the software is programmed. And humans behave based on
how we have programmed our system of beliefs. The problem is, our system of
beliefs changes day to day, using that same system of beliefs to create itself.
To put it other way, we create what we think of something by using information,
we already created ourselves. So there is no escaping our programmed
perception, as soon as we start thinking of something in any other way than
just having a belief that it simply exists. Our made up realities have a lot to
do with our values (what we think is good and bad), beliefs (what we think is true
and false) and preferences (what we like and dislike). Here are the origins of
our perception of love, friendships, anger, partnership, ourselves and so on.
Of basically anything you can think of.
That's why I think you should really think
about yourself. Because what you believe is your whole life as you know it. If
you want someone to spend your life with, you should think about your reasons
for wanting that because in order to find someone you'll be happy with, you must know what you are searching for. Love doesn't exsist as
something that just flows around you. I think it's
a product of our wish to have someone to share our lives with so we don't think
of ourselves as beings who exist just to reproduce. Based on our system of
beliefs we try to find someone that fits best in that picture of what we have
learned through our lives to be love and to be a kind of person that brings you
fulfillment. We developed this whole idea about finding the love of your life
and that's okay. So let me just finish. Stop looking for someone to love you and just give love instead.
Till next time.
Tjaša