You are here now.
As I told you a lot of times, you can be whoever you want to be. But I came across a thought on how creating yourself is actually killing everything you are. When you make decisions on your every single action and word, you become this created person. And when you start controlling your thoughts, too - what's there left of you? Of course, that's how you exist - through your decisions and thoughts and actions - but when you separate your being in two (the one who thinks and the one who controls it) you start to become more of the one who controls your mind than your mind actually. You follow?
So when thinking about yourself, you should focus more on who you are and what you really want and not so much on the person that you made up in your head. So if you are someone who can be trusted, manifest it. But if you are someone that can't keep a secret - that's who you are. And maybe instead of changing everything you are, just be honest and tell people you can't be trusted. And there will be people who will take that in package with you and be okay with it.
If you think you will never be able to be loyal in a relationship, and you have problems with cheating, think about what YOU want. Do you want an honest life-time relationship? Because if you do - you need to stop cheating. But maybe you just want to be with different people. And I know a lot of people that are in a relationship but lie and cheat. They pretend they want the commitment, but they really just want someone to hold and to fall asleep with. Well that's okay. Just don't lie to your partner's face. Find someone who wants an open relationship, too. But don't force yourself into monogamy if that's not what you want, just because other people say it's the right thing to do.
If you need a lot of attention, go get it. Everybody will notice it - but not everybody will have a problem with it. If you are surrounded by people that find it annoying and their opinion means a lot to you, you will change yourself into something you are not. And you will stop being loud and you will stop telling everyone your life stories. But if you were srrounded by people that love your big energy and love your stories, you would stay who you are and it would be all good and great.
So, if you moved to a country where nobody knows you and you got a fresh start, who would you be? Be honest. We all know we hide our deepest wishes and we pretend our dark sides are not there. They are most obvious when it comes to sexual desires.
I think our sexuality is our most primarily being. We are so weak when it comes to it, and it's that weird energy in us. A lot of people talk about sex like it's a bad thing. Like being seductive is a bad thing. Like having a lot of partners during your lifetime is a bad thing. Like talking about it is a bad thing. Like being proud you are sexual is a bad thing. It's that fire in us that burns stronger than many have courage to admit because they are afraid of where it might take them. Listen to yourself, discover other parts of your existance, too.
What I'm thinking and talking about right now, reminded me of this song. I listened to the whole video thousands of times. Lana Del Rey, Ride. A masterpiece. Listen to it, and listen good.
I try to really figure myself out, day by day. This summer I had a little down-time. I do classes all the time, day by day, everyday. And it makes me so happy, it really does. But this summer, I decided to take some time off. I sat in my car in Slovenia and just drove to the Croatian coast. When I was sitting on the beach alone and I was so free of all responsibilities, it really broke my heart. I was so free. It was beyond what words can describe. Wind on my face, silence, peace, sound of the ocean waves. Oh, the ocean. Home. Nobody to send email to, nobody to call. No classes to take, no classes to teach. Just me, myself and I. It felt like nothing ever felt before. It felt like me, just me.
It made me question everything I do. Do I really do what I want or is it just what I decided to do? Do I want my life to be a damn masterpiece or do I want to just exist and feel it for what it is? Did I trick myself into thinking I have to be somebody I don't want to be? So I just sat there for hours and think. I was so happy and sad at the same time. It felt so real and so fulfilling, but nothing was really happening. I was just sitting there with the sun on my face. But in some strange kind of way it felt like I found something I didn't even know I was looking for so desperately.
When september started and I started teaching again, I was so numb. I came back to my good life but I kept looking for the ocean. I didn't know what to do. So I was honest - I told my dancers how I feel, I told them everything. I told them how I want to just move to another country. How I think there is so much more for me to live than my hometown. And I was numb for the whole week. My mind went places and got lost in the big sky of options and freedom.
And we talked about it, a lot. I realized I was looking for things that are already in me. As funny as it sounds, the endlessness of the beautiful ocean helped me see it. I started feeling it again. The drive, the joy. Why I dance, why I love these people in my classes. They are damn precious, my life with them is amazing.
So after that, I started coming back to myself more. To my deep thoughts, to my heart. To what I feel, to what I truly want. I feel no shame in things I did in my life. It felt right in the moment. And I'm doing what feels right now. I meditate, I talk, I listen, I feel. Be whoever you want to be, shape yourself into someone that knows what you want and how to get it. But don't forget - while going there, you are already here.
Till next time.
Tjaša
Anyway great blog, deep thoughts. Its been a while since i've read such sincere words.