Allow yourself to see the beauty.

December 3, 2017 at 11:49 am, No comments

Imagine something. You are in your 40's. You have a great job, a lot of money, you sorted your things out. You live in a fancy apartment and you have a big career. You are very attractive and you can have your pick in partners. You are living your life like you are still in your 20's, you go to crazy parties and travel. You are not married and you are not in a relationship, you are free of all responsibilities except of taking care of yourself. You can have all the sex you want and all the freedom you want. You wake up, you go to work, you earn money, you get home, drink a glass of wine and watch your expensive TV. You have a dog and a pool. You have expensive clothes and your account just got bigger for the rent someone just paid for one of your apartments. People see you as an extremely successful person and you are very respected. You call one of your single friends and you go to a restaurant to have your lunch, then to a bar for a drink. Because no one is waiting for you at home, you just stay at the bar and meet other single friends and you drink until the morning. You look at all these young people drinking, having fun, hooking up. What a freedom, you are so much older but still have that young life. You have no one else to think about, no one else to take care of, no one else to disappoint, no one else to get hurt by, no one else to give yourself to, no one else to picture your life with, no one else to have a family with, no one else to call yours, no one else to miss, no one else to love.
Freedom. Is that what you call it?

Now imagine that. You are in your 40's. You have a kid and you are about to lose your mind. You just woke up, still tired from the past day, and your kid is on your face. Let's say you have a 7-year old boy. He wants breakfast and you need to take him to school and he forgot his homework and it's winter but he really wants to wear shorts. Now explain that to a 7-year old. You get up and your day starts. Your partner already left for work, so you have to brush your teeth while looking for school bag and eat your breakfast while you dress up. You trip over toys and the kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it. Your kid keeps on asking things and you are so stressed already. On top of that, you are late for your job. You take the boy to school and when you walk with him to the classroom, he holds your arm with his little arm. He gives you the biggest hug and kisses you on the cheek and then he waves goodbye. You are so proud. You have a little boy that just started school.
You go to your workplace and get one hundred messages from your partner. "Can you go to the store and buy a Christmas tree, we need to find a perfect gift for our boy, can you take him to the football match today please, don't forget to take the meat out of the freezer, don't forget we have a dinner reservation tonight, I miss you, stop ignoring my texts just because I told you I hate it when you forget to clean the dishes,..." And after your work you go to the store and buy things you need and your partner needs and your kid needs. And you buy some chocolate, too. Because it will make your son so very happy. You get home and there is millions of stuff to do. You often think of that single friend that has fun all the time. You keep on getting invitations to these crazy parties and you just can't go, because you are drawing a big dinosaur for your kid's school project. And you can't wake up with a hangover on sunday, because sunday is family time. You plan to decorate the Christmas tree and cut paper snowflakes and cuddle and talk about life and plan your future with the love of your life. You need to clean and get your apartment in order. You have people that rely on you, that expect things from you, that miss you, that want you around. And you can make them sad sometimes but you can make them so happy, too. Their lives would be so much different if you didn't exist. You matter.

When I started thinking about my life a lot, I had this idea in my head. I thought the only way to have a guarantee for a happy life is to be by yourself. You can do what you want, when you want it, the way you want it. You can really have your life planned out just for you and what you think is good for you. You don't get attached to people, so there is no way of getting hurt. You have some friends and that should be enough if times get lonely. You know you can get a good job and you'll know how to take care of yourself. If you mess things up, it's only you who has to take responsibility and consenquences.

But then I thought about it some more. Do I want that? Do I want to be alone? Do I want my life to be a book of short stories? No, I want it to be the longest novel ever. I want to matter to people, I want to love people, I want to do things for people, I want to work hard for someone, I want someone to choose - me. I want a family one day. I want to love someone so much, it will make my heart burn. Yes, I know I can get hurt. But so what? That's why I think about it now, before I get myself into something stupid again. What do I want my life to look like in 20 years? Do I want to sit in bars and flirt with other single 40-year olds? No! Do I even want to sit in a bar when I'm 40? Hell no. I want a house and a golden retriever. I want to be financially stable and I want to have a beautiful relationship. I want to look back on my life and know I did it all. I had my share of parties but I'm not 18 anymore. It's time to decide and start building a life. I want real things. I don't want my life to just be my job. I want to have crazy schedule with someone, I want to be a part of something real, I want my future to be with someone special. And that someone special is not me. It must be so wonderful when you find someone that wants something like that with you, too. When you find someone that says "Oh my God I just love you so much, I want a family with you.", that is like the greates thing ever! Do you know what a big deal that is? Someone finds you so amazing and loves you so much, they are prepared to give you their lives. And studies show that no matter how successful people are and no matter how much money they have, the happiest people are the people with strong relationships in life.

Something for you. This TED talk is by Robert Waldinder and I highly recommend his shared lessons from the longest study on happiness via Harvard. Robert is the fourth Director of the 75 year study tracking the lives of 724 men which is now following their wives and over 2000 children. The study of adult development has looked at their work, home lives (including intimate conversations with their wives) and health (including medical records). The men were a split group of Harvard Sophomores and a group from one of Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods. You really really need to see this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI So what have they learned to date? Robert shares: “Well, the lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” He shares it’s not about being married (study cites you can be lonely in a marriage) but the quality of your relationships versus quantity. In a world where fame and money are often glorified by our youth and viewed as the route to happiness a timely message that in fact what’s the most crucial are those real relationships.

So what makes a good life? As Robert so convincingly shares however, the most important thing in life are good relationships. So you don't need to be alone to be happy. Let people in. Allow yourself to see the beauty of lovig and being loved in return.

Till tomorrow.
Tjaša

Allow yourself to see the beauty.

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