OCEANMIND - Blog

Nič nisi, kar nisi.

Fri, 24 Jul 2020 18:14:00 +0000

Odprem si pivo in se udobno zleknem v stol v kotu mojega novega zelenega raja na balkonu. Gledam liste, ki se počasi zibajo v vetru in poslušam avtomobile, ki se vozijo mimo stavbe. Prižgem male lučke med monsterami in se nasmehnem ob trenutku iskrenega zadovoljstva. Razmišljam, kje naj sploh začnem s pisanjem ob vsem, kar se dogaja zadnje dni v moji duši. Že dolgo nisem čutila toliko sebe v svetu in sveta v sebi. Toliko ljubezni do vsega kar smo in vsega, v kar lahko zrastemo v čistini lastnih misli, stran od hrupa šibkosti modernega človeka.

Že nekaj dni razmišljam o razlogih, ki človeka strgajo iz lastne pristnosti in ga oropajo edine resnice, ki jo zares pozna. Razmišljam o sposobnostih, ki jih ima človek, da odigra tisoč različnih vlog v odnosih do drugih ljudi, ko pa je edina resnična vloga točno to, kar je. Razmišljam, kako je mogoče, da delaš tako grdo s seboj in se zapiraš med stene tujih soban, ko pa je tvoja lastna prostorna kot samo vesolje. Brez višine, brez širine, brez globine, brez dna, brez stropa. Brez idej o lastni nevrednosti in brez potrebe po tekmovanju z drugimi ljudmi. Brez potrebe po pretvarjanju, brez bolestne tekme s časom in samim sabo. Brez poniževanja drugih v tem, kdo so in brez poveličevanja sebe v tem, kar misliš, da si. Ves čas se mi v glavi predvaja znova in znova ena sama misel in kamorkoli se obračam, pot pripelje nazaj do nje. Zgleda preprosta in pusta, pa vendar mislim, da nosi univerzalno resnico celega vesolja.

Nič nisi, kar nisi.

Pogled dvignem v krošnje dreves in se zavem, kako izgubim stik s svetom vsakič, ko odtavam v lastne misli. Kako brezčasna sem v zavetju svoje energije in kako dobro in mirno se počutim brez kričanja sveta. Kako povsem dovolj je trenutek pristnega zavedanja lastne biti v primerjavi z nešteto urami praznega občutka bojevanja proti času v družbi praznih pogovorov in plastičnih obrazov. Kako osvobajajoče je slišati globino lastnih misli in vdihniti veličino obstajanja v resničnem trenutku. Za trenutek mi gre malo na jok ob misli, da bi se lahko v trenutku šibkosti kdaj spet spustila in trdno si obljubim, da nikdar in nikoli več. Globoko vdihnem in izdihnem in hvaležno pogledam v nebo. Kako čudovit svet.

Nič nisi, kar nisi. Misel je na koncu zgodbe razumevanja sebe, ampak naj razložim od začetka. Ko se rodiš in si položen v toplo naročje, preden se nate zgrne teža celega sveta, si čudovit in vreden in pod tabo leži celo vesolje. Ti si celo vesolje. Zaslužiš si neomejeno in še več in ene stvari ni na celem svetu, ki bi bila bolj čudovita od vsakega tvojega vdiha in premika male ročice. Brez vedenja o kompleksni strukturi človeškega bolestnega obstoja z odprtimi rokami in verujočo dušo sprejemaš vse, kar pade v tvojo energijo. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, kdo je. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, kdo ne more biti. Nihče se ne rodi z mislijo, da ni dovolj. Nekje na tvojem čudovitem popotovanju si to ujel od nekoga, ki si ga visoko cenil ali globoko ljubil. Zažrlo se je v tvojo zavest in okoli tega stkalo cel sistem verovanja, ki ne more biti postavljen drugače, kot na teh krhkih temeljih. Malo odrasteš, dobro že razumeš hierarhijo v družini, v odnosih. Opazuješ svet okoli sebe. Lajki, komentarji. Storyi umetne sreče. Fotkanje na sprehodu, fotkanje na večerji, fotkanje na kosilu, fotkanje na rojstnem dnevu, fotkanje na izletu, fotkanje s psom, fotkanje s prijateljico, fotkanje s fantom, fotkanje v fitnesu, fotkanje v trgovini, fotkanje na vsakem koraku. Čutiš, da veš, kdo si, ampak misel se iz dneva v dan bolj umika v poplavi slavospevov dodelanim postavam in razdajanju telesnih užitkov. Podvomiš v težo resničnih odnosov in odtavaš v svet posnetkov in fotk histerične sreče in sexa. Popolni lasje, popolna telesa, popolni partnerji, popolna koža, popolna oblačila, popolni prijatelji, popolna življenja. Pogledaš okrog sebe in sam si v sobi. Pogled občudujoče vrneš v ekran. Kdo na svetu bi si sploh želel biti kot ti? Hitro objaviš nasmejan story, kako napol nag gledaš film. Lajki, inboxi, cel svet ti je na dlani. Obleke dol, slike gor. Pogovor stran, telefon na mizo. Kdo bi se rad pogovarjal o odgovornosti, dajmo reči raje kakšno o novi punci tvojega bivšega fanta. Kako slaba in ničvredna je, da se vsaj za trenutek bolje počutiš ob misli, kako preprosto zamenljivi smo v vseh površinskih stvareh. Več svojih slik na splet, več ljudi v svoj doseg. Manj iskrenega sebe, več tržnih potez. Denar v obleke, denar v nov telefon za boljše slike. Stran od globokih odnosov, da te slučajno človek z iskrenim interesom ne vpraša, kdo si. Na površinski ravni nihče ne razočara. Čim več ljudi, da je vedno nekdo na dosegu roke, da ne ostaneš sam s seboj v sobi. Še dobro, da vedno ostane telefon. Ne pozabi ga imeti s seboj na mizi pri družinskem kosilu. Ne pozabi ga na kavču s svojim partnerjem in v postelji. Ne objavljaj svojega sprehoda, prodaja se sex. Razen, če si v legicah ali brez majice. Tako si lahko v vsem sijaju svoj najboljši jaz. Ne glede na vse, kar zgradiš okoli sebe. Nič nisi, kar nisi. In nikoli ne boš. Res ne vidiš, da po svojih najboljših močeh divje tečeš stran od sebe? Iščeš priložnostne pozornosti, prodajaš svoj videz za trenutke umetne ljubezni in se pretvarjaš, da nimaš kaj dati. Iščeš ljudi z nizkimi pričakovanji, ker tam ne rabiš biti najboljša verzija sebe. Ker tam ne rabiš biti izjemen in ker tam ne odgovarjaš za lastne šibkosti. Ampak dragi človek. Mar res ne razumeš, da si vreden kolikor daš? Koliko tebe je v odnosih? Kako težko zamenljiv si? S svojim lepim telesom, to je tvoj best shot? Z lepim obrazom, res? Ne vidiš svetovnega spleta? Ne moreš se primerjati z lepoto in sexom, ki leži praktično na vsakem koraku. Ljudje živijo za to, da se dokazujejo en pred drugim, da tekmujejo v doživetjih, da so poželjivi. Da poskusim drugače. Bi človek, ki ga, če priznaš ali ne, tako obupano iščeš, izbral nekoga, kot si ti?

Tavamo iz dneva v dan in si polnimo trenutke z neštetimi stiki. Kot, da smo v filmu in je vse tako irelevantno. Skačemo od enega do drugega, ure in ure visimo na telefonih. Kot da ne bomo nikdar dohiteli sami sebe. Pogovarjamo se o drugih ljudeh in neumorno bulimo v sosedovo zeleno trato. Spregledamo izjemne ljudi v svojem življenju, obsedeni z divjimi doživetji, ki so nam tako preprosto na dlani. Ena pijana noč, druga. Dotiki tujcev, pogovori po telefonu, ignoriranje, drame, občutek manjvrednosti, jeza, maščevanje, nov človek, nov dotik, nov višek, padec. Ignoriraj čustva, ne obremenjuj se, fotka za na internet, novi lajki, nov višek. Nov pogovor, nove slike, nov sex. Višek. Padec. Telefon, višek, padec. Padec, padec. Pijana noč, inbox, komentiraš story, nov pogovor, nov obraz, nov višek, nova potrditev, nov padec, ni problema. Sex, nov obraz, nov pogovor, višek. Če boš dovolj dobro skrival sebe, ti nihče ne more do živega. Nasmeh, fotka, nov story. Vsi glejte mojo srečo. Lažen profil, gledaš kaj počne edini človek, ki je v tebi videl, kar res si. Ne pokaži čustev, to nikogar ne zanima. Jeza, nazaj na svoj profil. Fotka. Več kože, več sporočil, novi obrazi, za danes pozabiš, višek, padec, višek, padec. Padeš v posteljo, pozna ura, nehotene misli. Prazen občutek, spomini na občutek pripadanja. Na občutek svobode biti nekdo, ki je vse druga kot pa le lep obraz. Telefon v roke, gledat srečo drugih. Telefon v roke, obsesirat s telesi drugih. Stran od sebe, čim dlje. Stran od zvoka svojih misli, čeprav veš, da obupano kličeš sam po sebi.

Česa se bojiš? Nič nisi, kar nisi in ne sili se več, da bi bil. Ne potrebuješ vseh teh ljudi, da se slinijo po tebi. Ne rabiš biti en od teh ljudi, ki se slinijo po drugih. Si res ponosen, da si številka na slikah drugih človeških produktov? Da si en od mnogih v bazenu tekmovanja za pozornost ljudi, ki se zaradi lepote v naši primitivni družbi rangirajo višje od drugih? Ne glede na to, kaj skušaš narediti iz sebe, ne bo šlo. Ne moreš ubežati samemu sebi. Kdo si brez telefona? Kdo si brez drugih ljudi? Kaj daješ? Kdo si do sebe? Delaš lepo s seboj? Paziš na svojo dušo? Paziš na druge? Koliko ljudi si prizadel v svoji sebičnosti? In bodi iskren do sebe, vsaj enkrat. Lažeš, ko te rešuje? Si dorasel temu, kar misliš, da si zaslužiš? Koliko ljudi imaš, ki te poznajo v dno duše? Koliko ljudi vidi v tebi najbolj čudovito bitje na svetu? Koliko ljudi lahko mirno zaspi ob misli, da se lahko zanesejo nate? Si ponosen na to, kar počneš in kaj razmišljaš? Bi razkril vse, kar si, nekomu, ki ga spoštuješ bolj kot vse v svojem življenju? Kaj si želiš? Koga si želiš? Sprejemaš dobre odločitve? Sploh veš, kaj je dobro zate ali iz dneva v dan hodiš po sebi skupaj z vsemi drugimi? Koliko ljudi spusti vse iz rok in ure in ure sedi s teboj, da deliš z njimi svoje misli? Ne s kom si bil. Ne kje si bil. Sebe. Globoko in iskreno – sebe.

Ne glede na to, koliko vlog znaš odigrati in kako dobro si zapolniš dneve z drugimi, vesolje te bo v tišini vedno pripeljalo k sebi. In k pravim ljudem. K tvoji energiji, bliže tvoji resnici. Če ne živiš sebe, ne moreš v življenje pripeljati nikogar, ki ti je namenjen. In vse, kar slepo počneš proti sebi, te samo pelje dlje in dlje od tvojega resničnega doživetja te kratke izkušnje na zemlji. Vsi površinski pogovori, vse ure in ure na telefonu, vsi brezpredmetni odnosi – sam veš, da si zaslužiš več. Da to ni tvoje življenje. Ker nisi srečen. Ker čutiš, da si lahko velik in čudovit in največja, najboljša verzija sebe. Ne samo kadar so ljudje okoli tebe in kadar imaš poplavo sporočil in ko se samo prestavljaš iz pijače na pijačo. Ko si sam v sobi. Brez telefona. Brez drugih. V svoji glavi, s svojimi mislimi. Srečen in zadovoljen. Miren. Ko si končno to, kar si. Ker ne moreš biti nič, kar nisi. Ne glede na to, kako velik je tvoj nasmeh na slikah, koliko ljudi zleze s teboj v posteljo, koliko denarja imaš, kako uspešna je tvoja kariera. Konec dneva si samo kar je v tvoji glavi in srcu. Prenehaj z bolestnim lovljenjem poceni viškov. Zadihaj, vrni se k sebi. Veš kdo si, samo včasih se človeku zgodi, da malo pozabi. Kljub utvaram bleščečega virtualnega sveta ti je dosegljivo le tisto, kar si in ne more biti dosegljivo tisto, kar nisi. Karkoli se pretvarjaš, da si, četudi nevede, nisi. Vedno boš lahko le to, kar si. Sprejmi to. Niti predstavljaš si ne, kako zelo najbolj dovolj na celem svetu si točno s tem, kar si.

Ko začneš iskreno, brez zadržkov komunicirati svoje misli in čustva, postaneš neustrašna verzija sebe. Neizogibno začneš eliminirati ljudi, ki ne ravnajo s teboj skladno s tvojo predstavo odnosov. Izogibati se začneš toksičnim ljudem. Spet stopiš korak bliže sebi in svoji resnici. Prosiš za to, kar rabiš od človeka in si pripravljen isto ponuditi v zameno. Premisliš o svojih standardih in se zaveš, da so odsev tvoje samopodobe. Izbiraš ljudi, ki ne veš nič o njih, ampak izgledajo dobro? Torej je pogoj, da te nekdo dobi, le to, da dobro izgleda. Resnica te bo dohitela in ne bo lepo, ko te bo. Zravnaj se in popravi svoja ramena nazaj. Nisi po okusu vseh in tu je tvoj univerzalni ponos v drugačnosti. Veš kdo si in veš, kdo nosi potencial tvojega razcveta. In spet stopiš s tem, ko iščeš svojo resnico, bliže sebi. In preden se zaveš, se tvoje življenje postavlja na novo. Namesto lajkov bo objem. Namesto petih sporočil bo iskren poljub. Namesto Instagrama do treh zjutraj bo pogovor do sončnega vzhoda. Zaslužiš si in dosegljivo ti je že zdaj, obljubim. Samo brez izgovora nadaljuj z resnico do sebe in drugih, tudi ko morda ne vidiš cilja v vsem tem. Zaupaj.

Končno vsemu, kar sem napisala, spet verjamem z vsakim atomom sebe. Meditiram, berem knjige. Hodim na sprehode, urejam stanovanje. Pišem blog, klepetam z bratom. Klepetam z babico, klepetam s sostanovalci. Ustavim se na blagajni in mimogrede dam kakšen kompliment prodajalki. Grem na jezero s kolegico, pustim telefon v avtu. Klepetava 5 ur in malo jokava od sreče, kako lepo je biti tako svoboden, stran od vsega neresničnega. Gledam dokumentarce, poslušam predavanja. Sama preživim cel dan na morju in doživim en kup prelepih stvari. Poslušam dobro glasbo, plešem. Treniram, jem dobro hrano. Odprem si pivo in se udobno zleknem v stol v kotu mojega novega zelenega raja na balkonu. Gledam liste, ki se počasi zibajo v vetru in poslušam avtomobile, ki se vozijo mimo stavbe. Prižgem male lučke med monsterami in se nasmehnem ob trenutku iskrenega zadovoljstva. Razmišljam, kje naj sploh začnem s pisanjem ob vsem, kar se dogaja zadnje dni v moji duši. Že dolgo nisem čutila toliko sebe v svetu in sveta v sebi. Toliko ljubezni do vsega kar smo in vsega, v kar lahko zrastemo v čistini lastnih misli, stran od hrupa šibkosti modernega človeka.

Pa tako je preprosto.

Fri, 05 Jun 2020 21:25:00 +0000

Polna smeri in prazna razlogov se znajdem pred največjo črnino v svojem življenju, ki me postavi v groteskno radovednost. Gledam v njo in s časom pogleda nazaj vame. Razumem, kako ogromno veliki in hkrati porazno mali smo bili v Nietzschejevih očeh. Tako velikih duš in tako malega razumevanja. Tako velikih potencialov in v vesoljni večini tako malih zgodb. Malo se ustavim in se potolažim s klišjeskim “vsi smo lepi in čudoviti na svoj način”. Potem pa se v naslednjem dihu namrščim ob očitnem mišljenju, da smo torej vsi enaki in povprečni v svoji neenakosti. Zamislim se, zakaj sem tako nemirna ob tej misli in enostavno ne pustim naravi, da me pelje od zibke do groba po zgornji strani oblaka in ne ves čas skozi jame in navzdol in v globine in v nekončane stavke in zgodbe sebe in ljudi. Dam si še en vzdih in se spet lotim, kot že tisočkrat, sebe.

V zadnjem času, ko je svet začel počasi poklekati pod težo okužb, rasizma in umazanih globin umov, sem se neštetokrat zalotila v otopelem doživljanju časa in upiranju preprostosti doživljaja. Zalotila sem se v iskanju nesreče in v iskanju lastnih napak. Če sem jih bila v trenutku prešibka priznati, sem jih našla v krutem svetu in grešnikih okoli sebe. Okrog in okrog luči so se nabrala morja sivih senc in vedno težje je bilo dihati skozi lastna pljuča.

Za pobeg težki energiji resničnega življenja sem iskala cenene stimulacije na socialnih omrežjih in kmalu ugotovila, da moja pot ni vredna niti ostankov sreče, ki se me zaradi nenadne osamitve še držijo. Da v primerjavi s popolnimi zobmi, okroglimi ritmi in D košaricami nisem niti na spodnji meji lestvice lepotic tega sveta. Da je moje trdo delo, ki sem ga vlagala v svoje plesno znanje, pravzaprav žalosten izgovor za komajda hobi in da po številu ogledov in všečkov ne ugajam niti večini znancev, kaj šele makro okolici. Da moji prihranki omogočajo redno plačevanje položnic in pa nekaj novih kosov oblačil na mesec, da bom na novem videu morda všeč še kakšnim novim očem. Oklofutam se in se prepričam, da te bitke ne bom izgubila. Postavim plan, vstanem vsakič in vedno in znova in znova ob 6ih zjutraj, intenzivno telovadim, dobro jem, veliko plešem, snemam in ostajam pozitivna. Odziv na omrežjih pa hladen do občasnega mlačnega špuka vode. Začnem razmišljati, če sem morda tako povprečna, da je ljudem škoda časa, da spremljajo mojo zgodbo. Odprem TikTok in vidim morje gibalno neizobraženih ljudi, ki se šibijo pod težo pozornosti svojih več stotisočih oboževalcev. Malo v nedrčku in malo v kratkih hlačkah, tona ličil in dober filter. Zravnam se in si dam še močnejšo streznitveno klofuto. Ne dam se, do konca se ne dam. Oblečem si športni top, pokažem trebušček in naredim vse po knjigi. Malo seksi, malo vzvišenega odnosa, malo nagajivo, plesno zadovoljivo. Objavim in se veselim svojih prihajajočih uspehov. Čakam na nedefiniran dogodek in tonem vedno globje v črni vodi občutka nepomembnosti. Mnenje ljubljenih ljudi izgubi vrednost in čas preživljam v iskanju svojih napak. Primerjam se z neralnimi liki socialnih omrežij in počasi sprejmem, da je moja pot žal končana. Da nisem več stara 16, da več kot očitno nikoli ne bom uspešna, da mi ne pomagajo vse telovadbe sveta in da niti nimam dovolj denarja za vse potrebne plastične operacije. Žalostno izdihnem in si priznam, da sem tokrat žal poražena. Da sem bila pripravljena slediti trendom in da sem poskusila biti kot vsi ostali, zares. Ampak ne morem več. Zaprem se vase in stresam jezo na ves vesoljni obstoj. Ne morem spati, ne smejim se več. Kreativna duša ugaša. Izgubljam ljubezen do ustvarjanja in do eksistence same. In potem prileti zadnja klofuta. Kje nisem uspela? Ne najdem odgovora. Je to sploh moj cilj? Všečki in sledilci? Podvomim, koliko si sploh lahko na tej točki zaupam. Kaj si sploh želim?

Zbegano tavam po objavah in se ne morem odločiti, ali si želim biti noro lepa, noro seksi ali noro talentirana. Mogoče noro bogata? Ne vem. Eliminiram eno stvar za drugo in ugotovim, da tavam. Ugotovim, da visim na tisoč nitih priložnosti, ki so v zmedenih poskusih vse zvozlane okoli mojega vratu. In končno uvidim, da sem vse strele zgrešila, ker niti merila nisem. Prevzame me val energije in začutim, kako se lomim v sebi. Kako krivično sem ravnala s sabo in kako sem od vseh okoli sebe, najhuje storila sebi ravno sama. Kako sem se razvrednotila in iz sebe naredila produkt. Kako sem obrnila hrbet vsem prepričanjem in kako sem si pustila, da zgubim stik s seboj. Kako sem preslišala lastne krike in kako sem se obrnila od lastne prošnje za pomoč. Daleč pod gladino, z zadnjimi atomi moči in zadnjimi ostanki sape, se poženem proti soncu, nazaj v življenje.

Stopim korak nazaj. Izklopim vsa obvestila socialnih omrežij in končno zbrišem TikTok. Preberem dober članek Jordana Petersona in zajokam od sreče. Čutim, kako se vrne delček čudovitih misli. Globoko vdihnem in ugotovim kako zelo sem se pogrešala. Kako zelo si ne želim biti kakor ostali, kot kdorkoli drug. Vem, kdo sem in vem, kdo želim biti. Kako zelo si želim brati in biti razgledana. Kako zelo si želim biti zaupanja vredna in biti razlog, da verjameš v dobre ljudi. Kako zelo lepo je življenje, polno preizkušenj in kako zelo mi je vseeno za lajke. Kako zelo si želim biti dobra plesalka in kako se veslim spet sonca na obrazu. Kako rada treniram in kako vidim zdaj v gibanju stvari, ki jih prej nisem. Kako srečna sem, ker čutim nova obzorja svoje kreative. Ker zaupam v svoj korak. Spet in še bolj. Samozavestno in močno bom ustvarjala, brez iskanja mnenj in brez iskanja tvojega nasmeha in prikimavanja. Brez sklanjanja glave in brez umikanja. Kančno iz dna duše razumem, kako je pot pomembnejša od cilja. Kako posebna sem s tem, ko nočem biti del vzorca in iščem svojo moč. Kako glasne so moje misli in kako se zaradi kogarkoli ne bom nikoli več počutila mala in nepomembna. Moj glas bo slišan skozi mojo lastno zgodbo, ne tvojo. In dragi Instagram, hvala za vse. Hvala, da sem videla, kako dobro ljudje unovčijo svoje telo, svojo lepoto, svojo umetnost, svoje sporočilo. Hvala socialnim omrežjem, da so me pripeljala na rob in da sem tako dolgo zrla v globino, da mi je postala domača. Hvala vsem, ki ste z mano na treningih. Vsem, ki se dvignete izza telefona, da mi podarite del svojega časa in čudoviti resnični del sebe. Hvala vsem, ki ste mi pokazali, kako dolga je razdalja med objavo in resničnim svetom. Kako velik je lahko nasmeh na sliki in kako debele solze za ekranom. Upam, da se imaš dovolj rad, da še slišiš svoj glas. Upam, da vsaj približno dosegaš svoj imidž s socialnih omrežij in da slika v ogledalu ne postaja pretežka. Upam, da imaš nekoga, ki ti kaže, da si ljubljen bolj kot si lahko sploh predstavljaš. In upam, da imaš sebe, še z zadnjimi sapami, da se odženeš proti gladini. Resnično življenje te čaka.

Tjaša

Ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Sat, 11 Jan 2020 12:58:00 +0000

Življenje ni lahko in ni preprosto. Je lepo, vsekakor, z vsem kar je in kar prinese. Ni pa lahko in ni preprosto. Utrujena sem od izzivov, od teže neumnosti lastnih pričakovanj, malo tudi od ljudi. Malo od stalnega dela s samo sabo in malo od frustracije zaradi visokih standardov, ki si jih postavljam. Nisem preveč zadovoljna z nekaj odločitvami, ki sem jih sprejela v zadnjem času kljub količini časa, ki jo vložim v razmišljanje o sebi. Malo razočarana, malo utrujena. In mogoče se bo zdelo tole daleč od dobre volje in lahke energije ampak nimam potrebe, da more nastati izpod mojih prstov karkoli po kakršnihkoli merilih.

Veliko razmišljam kdo sem in kam grem. Če sem zadovoljna, kjer sem in če nisem, zakaj ne. Vedno znova se vrnem vase. Napačne odločitve, slab premislek, impulzivna dejanja. Izguba občutka lastne vrednosti zaradi dejanj drugih ljudi, zaradi smernic družbe. Občutek, da morem tekmovati za odobravanje in pozornost nekaterih ljudi, ker po izkušnjah in opažanjih življenja okoli sebe ne prevlada dobro srce ampak dobra rit. Ker smo v katalogu in ker se skoraj nihče več ne pogovarja. Ker živim za trenutke, ko lahko nekaj ur poslušam in govorim in sem hvaležna za čas nekoga. Za trenutke, ko me nekdo ne skuša gledališko izigrat, ker dobro ve kdo je in koliko je vreden. Pa ne na socialnem omrežju in ne na podlagi pozornosti, ki jo je navajen. Na podlagi globokega, dobro konstruiranega premisleka in besed, ki božajo razmišljujoči um. Na podlagi tega, da se obrača k dobrem in ve, kdo je in kaj misli, ker je vložil čas vase in ker ne dela neumnih napak in se pretvarja, da jih ne razume. Srečna sem, da imam v življenju nekaj oseb, ki so globoko razmišljujoči, intelektualni in dobri ljudje. Iskreni, kompleksni, poduhovljeni, v stiku s sabo. In dajejo mi upanje, da je prostor pod soncem in v sebi, kjer je preprosto in iskreno. Kjer si odgovoren za vse kar si in je prijetno. Ker si končno vse, kar bi človek moral biti.

Tako preprosto je dvigniti prst in ga nameriti v obraz nesrečne duše, ki te je tako ogabno ponižala in pustila na cedilu. Udarjati s stisnjenimi pestmi po imenu, ki ga nosi in prepevati sovražne misli, ki spletejo gosto mrežo okoli lastne biti, da do nje niti prideš ne. Da ostane na varnem v notranjosti skrita, oblečena v zgodbe vseh bolečin in krivic sveta. Da si nadene obraz izgubljenih upanj in da se ponižno poda v roke slepih objemov, ki iščejo lastno odrešitev v reševanju tebe. Pa vendar, ko brišeš prah z odseva svojega obraza pod masko tragičnega protagonista – ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Verjameš v resnico, ki jo nosiš? Si človek načel, visoke morale, lepih besed in nesebičnih dejanj? Si rama, ki jo potrebuje objokano lice, so tvoje besede čiste in ne ponižujejo bitij v pravici do vsega, kar smejo biti pod soncem? Si nekdo, ki je prava in varna odločitev za vlaganje ljubezni, upanja in smisla? Pustiš dihati, pustiš rasti, pustiš biti?

Ali pa morda vsakič, ko voda steče v tankem curku mimo tvojega mlina, izgubiš občutek za besedo, predanost in svoje ponižno mesto v vesolju? Zahtevaš opravičila, objokovanje, poveličevanje in poniževanje pod tvojimi stopali? Je vrednost ostalih postavljena po vrednosti, ki jo ti vidiš v njihovih očeh? Je nekdo tvoj človek le dokler služi tvojim pričakovanjem in zahtevam, medtem, ko ti zahtevaš popolno predanost in razumevanje čez človeške meje? So tvoji trenutki na voljo le dokler besede božajo tvoja ušesa in nihče ne pride blizu tvoji globoko v mreže objeti biti, dokler nihče ne poseže v gnezdo tvojih napak in laži? Je nekdo vreden pozornosti le dokler se igra s teboj igro tragične žrtve vseh trenutkov tvojega obstoja? Skačeš iz objema v objem, dokler se vedno in znova ne iztrošijo do praznine in naprej? Ko se ti zamaje samooklicana krona, koliko kraljevega ostane v tebi? Ne preveč, kaj? Pa vendar zahtevaš prestol za vsako ceno.

Z dvignjeno glavo stopaš čez ljudi in jim očitaš nerazumevanje medtem, ko nevede objokuješ nesrečo lastne nevednosti. Preslišiš vse nasvete, vse besede dobre vere in se varuješ pred najmanjšim očitkom, da morda nisi čist, kot bi želel verjeti, da si. Ignoriraš propadanje lastnega sveta s samodestruktivnimi odločitvami, ki jih potem objokuješ in se kaznuješ za njih tako, da v svojo nesrečno vlečeš ljudi, ki te imajo radi. Odrivaš jih od sebe in zahtevaš, da ti stojijo ob boku. Kričiš, da nihče ne razume, a nikakor nočeš razumeti niti sam. Vrtiš se v krogih istih napak in ustvarjaš črtno risbo samega sebe, da se lažje zbudiš sam s seboj. Obračaš se stran od očitnih znakov in si zatiskaš oči pred dejstvom, da vsak piše svojo zgodbo. Da je vsako poglavje dialog naših odločitev in posledic in da se slovnične napake odpravijo le z dobro moralo. Obsedeno gledaš v oči vseh okrog sebe in gradiš svoj odsev v njihovih pogledih, dokler mu ne verjameš celo sam. Ustvarjaš sliko prelepega boga, katerega svetišče stoji na rokah vseh okrog sebe, razen svojih in povrh vsega si nesrečen, ker ne stoji trdno. Ampak nekako te življenje vedno dohiti. Kamorkoli se obrneš, stopiš, tečeš, vedno si v koraku s sabo. Veš, zakaj vsa nesreča v tvojem življenju. Veš, zakaj vse kazni. Veš, zakaj vse tesnoba in zakaj vsa bolečina. Veš, zakaj nimaš vsega, kar želiš. Imaš pa točno vse, kar si zaslužiš, dobro in slabo. Ničemur ne ubežimo in vsaka odločitev prinese svojo sodbo. Vse kar rečeš, storiš, misliš. Vse je resnično, vse obstaja, tudi če z zobmi braniš pred zunanjim svetom. Pretvarjaš se, da se je zgrnilo nate celo vesolje in da ti je sojena nesreča. Nase si se zgrnil sam z vsem kar si in sodba je nikogaršnja, kot pa tvoja. Vsi odgovori so že podani in kdo bi te lahko poznal bolje, kot se poznaš sam? Pomisli še enkrat, iskreno, globoko. Mar nisi točno in pravično tam, kamor si se sam postavil?

Morda si v zablodi modernega sveta in odtujenosti odnosov pozabil, kakšnega človeka želiš in pričakuješ in na vse pretege trdiš, da si zaslužiš. Morda si pozabil, da dobiš kar daš in da nikomur nič ne pade v roke. Da vse velike stvari zahtevajo čas in da vsi globoki odnosi zahtevajo globoke duše. Da ne bo nobena napaka nekaznovana in nobena laž ostala skrita. Da si odgovoren za vse kar si in kar misliš in da kar gre okrog, pride okrog. Razumem, kaj vse želiš. Kako zelo bi te moral ljubiti človek, ki si bo zaslužil tvoj dih. Kako zelo opevana more biti tvoja inteligenca in karakter in oh in sploh vse, kar si. Kako ne boš trpel laži in prikrivanja in nespoštovanja. Ampak stop.

Si res sposoben biti divje predan, iskren, zvest? Besedno, miselno, duhovno, telesno? Sploh razumeš, kaj to pomeni? Razumeš, kaj pomeni biti vreden zaupanja? Si pomirjen z vsem kar si in ne prikrivaš z velikimi lažmi lastne nesposobnosti biti človeku človek? So tvoje misli zbrane globoko pod srcem in ne begajo po prostoru v iskanju občudujočih oči? Si spustil vse obsesivne seksualne misli o nešteto telesih na razstavah socialnih omrežij, si sposoben končno videti človeka kot spiritualno bitje in ne kot kos mesa? Veš kaj hočeš in ali veš kaj ponujaš? Si poln misli in opažanj o lastnem zavedanju? Nudiš duhovno zatočišče in nesebično svobodo? Si vreden zaupanja in se ne pretvarjaš, da ne veš, kje leži moralna resnica? Da ne veš, kje prestopiš mejo zaupanja in kdaj izdajaš vero človeka v vse, kar misli, da si? Da ne razumeš, kako daleč seže bolečina ob kockanju z ljubeznijo človeka? Da ne razumeš, da si ob sebičnem tavanju po svetu trofej ne zaslužiš niti najbolj hladnega kančka sočloveka, ki te ljubi? Da nimaš pravice do objema, pozornosti, besede, topline? Da je vsak delček duše neprecenljiv in kako čudovito je, da nekdo misli, da si vreden? Razumeš, da tvoja pozicija v vesolju ni upravljanje z energijami? Da življenje ni igra? In da kdor se igra, brez izjeme izgubi? Razumeš, da je več okoli tebe kot praskanje iz dneva v dan brez cilja in brez višjih vrednost? Da nisi na svetu, da te nosi po vetru in da se pretvarjaš, kako nemočen si v lebdenju? Si dorasel svoji želji po ljubezni in simbiozi dveh bitij? Kaj misliš, kaj govoriš, kdo si? Kaj nudiš, zakaj si nezamenljiv? Zakaj si zaslužiš vse dobro, kje leži tvoje srce? Kaj vidiš v drugih ljudeh? Koliko si jih prizadel v lastni sebični zablodi, da lahko počneš karkoli ti srce poželi? Koliko ljudi si pohodil, ker je njihovo srce zate nevredno in te zaboli šele, ko se spremeni tvoj odsev v njihovih očeh? Res ne razumeš, zakaj skačeš s cveta na cvet? Za globino odnosa žal rabiš več od naučenega skeča karizmatičnega klepeta, dobrega parfuma in lepega nasmeha. Čudovito, če te izpopolnjuje naklonjenost ljudi z nizkimi merili, kjer kaj dosti niti ne rabiš biti. Ali veš, kaj skušaš doseči s pokali na lastno praznino od sodnikov, ki vidijo in ocenjujejo zgolj in le to? Kako obseden si z iskanjem pozornosti in dajanjem le te? Te ne straši, kako histerično ponujaš svoj izgled in kako malo misliš o sebi, da se počutiš tako dostopen vsem, ki vidijo vsaj malo bleščečega na tebi. Da vsak lep obraz dobi tvoj nasmeh. Da vsako postavno telo dobi pozornost tvojega uma. Da ne rabijo dosegati niti minimalnih inteligenčnih in duhovnih standardov, tvoji nemirni duši je lepa plastika dovolj. Žalostno. Upam, da niso vsa socialna omrežja polna tvojih lajkov in sline. Kar lahko ima vsak, ni kaj preveč vredno.

Koliko dolgoletnih odnosov imaš? Globokih, iskrenih, kjer si se res izkazal kot človek? Si ponosen nase in na odločitve, ki si jih sprejemal? Iskreno, z ozirom na vse kar veš o svoji nesrečni duši, tako krivično pohojeni. Dobro se poznaš. Ljubiš kar zahtevaš, da je ljubljeno?

Vsak trenutek dneva je nova priložnost, da začneš znova. Morda brez laži in prikrivanja. Morda z mislijo na ljudi, ki ti veliko pomenijo, pa izgubljajo upanje nad tabo. In ne zato, ker te nimajo dovolj radi, ampak ker morda ti nimaš dovolj rad njih.

Morda je čas za razpletanje debelih mrež in morda je čas, da v ogledalo pogledaš brez maske. Da si priznaš napake in jih sprejmeš. Da vzljubiš temne kotičke sebe in jih z iskrenostjo obdelaš in ponudiš v svojem paketu. Da se nehaš pretvarjati in izdajati za nekaj, kar nisi. Da nehaš loviti ljudi, ki si jih ne zaslužiš. Kar hočeš dobivati, moraš biti sposoben dati. Težko je biti dober človek, težko je ves čas sprejemati dobre odločitve in težko se je odrekati slabim stvarem. Težko je bit v stiku s sabo in težko se je odreči zanimivemu marketu človeških teles. Težko se je odreči vznemirljivosti pozornosti in užitku v lovu. Ampak dragi človek, ko si pripravljen, odrekanja sploh ni.

Res ne čutiš, da je več od življenja? Res ne misliš, da si lahko tako zelo velik in čudovit? Da je nekje mesto v tvoji duši, kjer si največ, kar ti je bilo namenjeno v tem kratkem življenju. Da znaš biti toliko več, kot pa si zdaj. Nisi nikdar obsedel z nekom v urah in urah pogovorov? In kar naenkrat je bilo vesolje tvoje in čas je bil le beseda. Počutil si se več kot dovolj in nekako so besede kar stekle in zrak je bil topel in duša mirna. In brez vsega materialnega, kar imaš, si bil enostavno zadosti. V tekmovanju in primerjavi z nikomer in ničemer. Ni lepšega obraza, ni lepšega telesa, ni večje riti. Sploh nisi bil postavljen v tako neumno in nespoštljivo pozicijo. Ker ni ničesar v celem neskončnem vesolju, kar se lahko primerja s tem, kar si.

Nekoč boš naletel na človeka, ki mu nobena maska ni lepa in nobeno telo bolj privlačno od iskrene besede in globoke misli. Na človeka, ki te bo gledal le skozi ušesa in občutek. Na človeka, ki ne bo impresioniran nad nobenim od tvojih trikov, ki tako uspešno zavajajo horde praznih src. Človeka, ki vzljubi in ljubi in razume, zakaj. Človeka, ki te nikdar ne bo postavil v vitrino ob druge lutke. Človeka, katerega beseda bo pomenila resnico in ljubezen. Na človeka, ki ti bo dal priložnost, da si globoko in iskreno ljubljen za vse, kar si. Da se izkažeš z vsem dobrim, kar nosiš v sebi. In iskreno upam, da boš takrat znal biti vreden.

Nekega dne boš svoboden in maskara na očeh bo samo lasten užitek in lepa obleka le češnja na torti. Lahkoten boš sedel na klopi v parku in užival v lastni družbi. Brez jeze na vse okrog sebe, brez žalosti nad krivičnostjo sveta. Točno tam boš, kjer moraš biti, z vsem kar si zaslužiš. Brez odnosov, kjer prosiš ljudi, da delajo lepo s teboj. Brez prijateljstev z ljudmi, ki begajo od mize k mizi in se prodajajo za dobre interne informacije. Brez ljudi, ki se oklepajo svoje vloge žrtve in te vlečejo v svoj nesrečni kaos. Brez ljudi, ki ne razumejo, kaj pomeni ljubiti in posegajo v tvojo utopično idejo ljubezni brez mrcvarjenja. Brez nemirnosti nad vsem, kar si nevedno počel, preden si razumel, da je smisel življenja v iskanju smisla. Brez tekme s časom in samim sabo in vso plastiko okrog tebe. Tvoja duša bo dovolj in tvoja beseda bo jasna in mirna. In obdan boš z ljudmi, ki ljubijo sebe. Ker so vse, kar bi človek lahko ljubil. In ljubili bodo tebe. Ker se boš končno z vsem kar si, ljubil tudi ti.

Hvala za tvoj čas in vse dobro ti želim, zares.
Tjaša

Kako lepo bo biti... ti.

Thu, 03 May 2018 12:06:00 +0000

Iz gole radovednosti in sladkega vonja odprtih rešetk mislečega uma pomisli, da si lahko za trenutek osvobojen sveta. Da se kot živo bitje ravnaš izključno po nagonskih potrebah in nagnjenjih. Tvoj umetni um služi zgolj kot iskalec rešitev in ne iskalec problemov, kot se je zalomilo pri človeškem liku v trenutku zavedanja sebe. Odkar delam na projektu Femina, obsesivno raziskujem bolezni gole človeške narave in kako preprosto bi jih bilo preživeti, če bi le hoteli. Ampak očitno je nekaj tako lepega globoko pod vodo, brez zraka, z očmi, uprtimi v sonce nad gladino.

Vdihni in si predstavljaj sebe v družbi vsega, kar si. Brez ljudi, ki te dušijo, kljub temu, da skrivaj uživaš v hlastanju za sapo. Brez misli, da kdorkoli karkoli pričakuje od tebe, čeprav so samo odsev tega, kar priznavaš da bi lahko bil, pa nočeš, ne moreš in ne znaš. Brez lastnega konflikta z idejo svoje eksistence v primerjavi s tem, kar v globini resnično si. Predstavljaj si, kako si obkoljen s svojimi fantazijami, ki so končno postale realnost. Tako blizu, v tebi, a nikoli prej na dosegu roke.

Kako zgleda življenje, ki ni tvoje? Si srečen? Si želiš kar si želi ideja tebe, ali so tvoja pristna hrepenenja še vedno tam, pod kupom socialnih smeti? Kdaj si sprejel kompromis, da si manjši od sveta? Kdaj si pozabil, da si lahko karkoli in kdorkoli? Kje si se ujel v začaran krog laganja samemu sebi in vseh, ki ti stopijo pred obraz v svoji lepi maski? Kdaj si se odločil, da je mnenje v zraku več vredno od tvojega kratkega življenja? Če ne živiš sebe, ali potem sploh obstajaš? Čemu jočeš solze nekoga, ki si ga sam ustvaril v točno to, kar si ponižno postal? Daj si priložnost, da si končno vse poveš.

Kaj je črnega v tvojem življenju? Koliko krivde je na tvojih ramah, pa trmasto gledaš mimo njih? Potrebna je samo odločitev, ki ne rabi biti niti tvoja. Odločitev, da boš vse sprejel točno tako, kot je. Brez olepšav, brez polnih rok obližev za praske, ki bodo nastajale. Za trenutek utišaj svoja čustva in poglej vase. Tokrat ne rabiš ugajati nikomur, niti sebi. Ne opredeljuj se, samo poslušaj svoje misli. Kdo si, iskreno. Kdo si? Ne zanima me kaj vse si naredil in kaj vse se ti je zgodilo. Si prevaral? Ne bi mi moglo biti manj mar. Človek si, krvav si pod kožo, sprejmi to in se ne pretvarjaj, da je svetu mar. Si lagal? Vseeno je. Vprašanje za vsem je isto. Zakaj? Razumeš zakaj ti ponavljanje istih napak prepreči samo priučen sram? Ti je res žal napak, ki si jih naredil? Do sebe si lahko iskren. Skloniš pogled, ker se tako spodobi?

Tako radi se izpovedujemo nad stisko v socialnih okvirjih, ki jim ne moremo ubežati. A spregledali smo sami sebe. Mi smo socialni okvirji. Mi hočemo biti usmerjeni, mi hočemo biti znotraj sistema strahu, da ne bi v svobodi požrli samih sebe. Utišaj za trenutek naučeni jaz. Spusti vsa mnenja in predsodke. Kakršenkoli čustven vidik v tebi je posledica miselnih procesov, kjer pade celotna ideja čiste eksistence. Čustva v tebi ne morejo obstajati sama po sebi in zgolj pozitivno, ker so gole reakcije na okolico in tvojo lastno notranjost. Vse, kar se sveti v belini, je belo le kot kontrast črne. Vse pozitivno doživljaš samo skozi poznavanje negativnega. To si ustvaril v svojem subjektivnem dojemanju stvari, v svoji lakoti po smislu obstoja, v svoji obsedenosti s pripadnostjo sistemu, v svoji nezmožnosti potešenosti v samem dejstvu, da si del imaginarnega obstoja. Ko bi za trenutek lahko opustil vse materialno, obrnjen stran od ogledala. Nič v bitu tvojega trenutka v času ne bi smelo obstajati hierarhično po željah, potrebah ali vrednotah višje od česarkoli drugega. Ne bi bilo zavisti, ne bi bilo želja, ne bi bilo empatije, ne bi bilo ljubezni, posesivnosti, sreče. Vsak posameznik bi bil končno osvobojen samega sebe. Ampak kako s takim mišljenjem prepoznati dobro za lasten obstoj, dobro družbe s ciljem nadaljnjega obstoja? Ali je potem nekaj sploh lahko dobro ali slabo zate, če ti tega na tak način nisi zmožen dojeti? Je katerakoli stvar na svetu lahko karkoli druga, kot pa samo ta stvar? Kaj druga kot misel v tvoji glavi? Dokler se bomo vrteli v krogih z uporabo lastnih misli, da ustvarimo iluzijo novih, dokler bomo samooklicana misleča bitja, bi to bilo teoretično možno samo s popolno odpovedjo lastni identiteti in predajo svojega celotnega bita nekemu višjemu organu, ki se mu brezpogojno daš v roke na milost in nemilost. To tako ali tako delamo že zdaj, sami sebi v svojih glavah. Ne bom kar sem, ker ni nihče drug jaz. Sto istih rabimo, milijon! Žalostna komedija.

Razvrednotenje človeške biti je pripeljalo v ogabne proporcije, ampak – kdo postavlja merila, ki definirajo vrednost človeške biti? Malo se tu z grenkobo na jeziku nagibam k ideji Boga, celotne zgodbe o enakosti in brezpogojnem sprejemanju. Naš problem kot mislečega človeka je, da ne znamo in ne moremo sprejeti življenja, kot je. Ne znamo sprejeti sebe, ne znamo brezpogojno sprejeti drugih. Ko smo v razmerju, si lastimo človeka in od njega pričakujemo stvari, ki so zgolj odsev nas samih. Ko si želimo stvari, najdemo razloge. Ko naredimo napako, najdemo izgovore. Opredeljujemo se, ocenjujemo in definiramo v svojih glavah. Sami ustvarjamo ta svet, ki tako ali tako obstaja samo v naših glavah. Nekdo, ki je popolnoma očiščen vseh sebičnih emocij in misli, sprejema in spoštuje celoten obstoj. Ne nagibaš se nujno k tem (ohlapen in subjektiven izraz, pa vseeno) 'slabim' stvarem in se prisilno odločaš za moralno dobro in pravilno (lepo prosim za leksikon teh misli in dejanj, ali pa objektivno definicijo besedne zveze), čeprav po knjigi ne bi smel biti zmožen človeka zaznati kot slabega, ker oznaka nečesa kot slabega izhaja iz gole primerjave z dobrim in lastnega superiornega dojemanja. Brez presenečenja smo spet pri očitno neizogibnem klanju.

Mislim, da se v takšni civilizaciji zakrknjenih osebnosti človeškost ne more vzpostaviti. Za koga si dober, če ni slabega? Kako je lahko nekaj prav, če ne v odnosu do slabega? Kako lahko imaš ti nekaj in nekoga rad, če do nekoga drugega ne čutiš nič? Te stvari nastajajo vzporedno in sočasno. Prav z napačnim, dobro s slabim. Kontrasti kot pogoj obstoja. Vse naše misli so odziv, posledica in izbira v odnosu do druge misli. Danes bom živela, torej se zavedam, da se lahko odločim življenje končati. Rada imam sočloveka, ker vem, kako zgleda sovraštvo in čutim. V očiščenju človeka vsega slabega se ne moremo obračati k dobrem, ker dobrega potem ne poznamo. Kakšna je rešitev situacije, ne vem in vse bolj se nagibam k misli, da človeštvo ne potrebuje rešitve, ker problema sploh ni drugje kot v našem poskušanju odkritja te rešitve. Sprejmi vse svoje slabo, da se lahko končno odločiš biti dober.

Daj, pomisli na vse, kar imaš dati. Kaj vse si lahko. Kaj vse lahko dosežeš, ko ti bo vse naravno in čista refleksija resničnega tebe. Kako topli bodo objemi, namenjeni točno tebi. Kako dušo božajoče bo dobivati poljube, ki ne bi mogli biti od nikogar drugega, kot samo in le od tebe. Še sanja se ti ne, kako lepo bo biti... ti.

Tjaša.

Z nešteto večeri osamljenega razmišljanja, s tisoč vojnami s seboj. Razgaljena jaz.

Sun, 29 Apr 2018 20:53:00 +0000

Rada se pogovarjam. Čim več. Zanima me kaj je v glavi človeka nasproti mene. Stokrat sem se že zalotila, da ga sploh ne gledam več kot fizično bitje. Ne impresionirajo me več te stvari na isti način kot so me leta nazaj. Mogoče zato, ker zdaj razumem, da psiha, čustva in intima pri meni niso v popolnem sožitju. Človeka pred sabo vidim kot vir novih izzivov za moje mišljenje in analizo. Mogoče malo žalostno, ker tako velik procent sogovornikov pade na testu že v prvih besedah. Ne vem kje je ta ogromen problem ljudi okoli mene. Ne znajo se pogovarjat, ne znajo razmišljat, ne znajo se obnašat. Nešteto nesmiselnih tikov v vedenju in poplava slabih zaključkov o nerazumljenih stvareh. Zadnje čase, ko sem res veliko razmišljala o sebi, sem nekako prišla do točke, ko se že kar dobro poznam. Vem, kako se lotit problema in zmožna sem objektivno prepoznat dejstva. Konec dneva je iz oddaljene, čustveno nedotakljive perspektive vse zelo preprosto. Nasvet, da naredi kakor čutiš, je preprosto neumen. Mogoče je primeren, če se zavedaš posledic in si jih pripravljen ignorirati zavoljo trenutnega zadoščenja. Kar pa po mojem mnenju spet ni odločitev nekoga, ki je na malo višjem nivoju razmišljanja in se ima za intelektualno bitje. Čustveno negativne situacije nikomur niso vir zadovoljstva in potrebno je sprejeti odločitev, da s sabo ne ravnaš na tak način. Premisliš, pogledaš od daleč, oceniš situacijo. Če ni dobro zate, greš stran. Če je dobro zate, izklopiš kar želiš in preklopiš na tisto, kar rabiš. Na dolgi rok je pozitiven napredek neizogiben.

Najbolj zanimivo se mi zdi, kako pogosto se zadnje čase zapletam v pogovore z ljudmi, vsemi povprek. S tistimi, ki jih poznam in tistimi, ki jih ne. Opazujem, poslušam. Sem navdušena, se zgražam. Ena izmed najmočnejših izkušenj v zadnjem času je bila kava z nekim fantom za plesni nastop na dogodku. Časa nisva imela veliko, ampak v prvih nekaj minutah sva iz začetnega pozdrava zajadrala na najina popolnoma razgaljena uma. Zanimivo, prvi pogovor v življenju, pa si pripravljen nekomu povedat vse, karkoli bi želel vedet od tebe. Veliko sem potem razmišljala o tem, ker se mi je zdela zelo privlačna ideja, da se energije pač nekako prepoznajo in, da so v ozadju višje zadeve. Narobe. Ko razviješ svoj um do določene točke in si izpostavljen ogromno situacijam, ko obdelaš veliko mero virov, tvoji možgani prepoznajo nekoga, ki ti je enakovreden. Pa ne v smislu vrednotenja človeškega življenja, ampak vsaj na nivoju razmišljanja. Ne glede na to, na kateri stopnji si. In takrat razumeš, da razume stvari, ki jih misliš in da tudi on izhaja iz sličnih. Torej veš, da kakršnokoli pretvarjanje odpade. Ker ni potrebno. Ker nista v interakciji zato, da si bosta všeč, ampak zato, da se vidita. Vidita tako, zares. Ne z očmi. Da bo on bral tebe, kot ti bereš njega. Da ti daš v tisti kratki interakciji tisto, kar jemlješ od njega. Da mu daš možnost istega vpogleda, kot ga je deležen on s tvoje strani. Torej pogovor ne more biti nič drugega kot čudovit. Ne gre se torej za pogovor o čemerkoli konkretnem, ampak pogovor o tebi. O tem, kam tava tvoj um. kakšne povezave ustvarjaš, kako razmišljaš. Ne toliko o tem, kaj razmišljaš, kot pa o tem, zakaj tako razmišljaš. Torej pogovarjala sva se cel sestanek, namenjen plesu. Torej se nisva dogovorila nič druga, kakor vse. Največ, kolikor se je dalo v tisti kratki kavi. Na neki točki, ko sem ga poslušala, sem dobila solzne oči. Nisem mogla verjeti njegovem izboru besed, njegovem ustvarjanju povezav glede stvari, ki sem jih povedala. In spet tisti občutek, da nekoga poznam že leta. Popolna iskrenost, popolna čistost odnosa. Skupno občudovanje pristnosti doživetja. Zame so to ene najlepših stvari v življenju. Resnične stvari.

Po drugi strani pa preživim velik del življenja v interakcijah, ki mi služijo kot nekakšna protiutež, ki mi ves čas potrjuje, da sem na pravi poti. V življenju imam nekaj ljudi, o katerih vem kar veliko. Ko si zlagam informacije, ki jih delijo z mano, si ne morem pomagati, da moje misli večino časa ne bi tavale v smeri, če je njihovo stanje samo pomanjkanje intelekta, ali govorimo že o kakšnih konkretnih psihičnih težavah. In ne skušam biti nesramna ali sarkastična, iskreno povem, da me vsakič znova presenečajo v svoji nezmožnosti procesiranja informacij. Najpogostejši primer so seveda partnerski odnosi. Nekdo ti v obraz pove, da noče biti s tabo in da je njegov odnos s tabo zgolj seksualen, ti pa iščeš nove in nove in nove načine, da se mu približaš in mu pravzaprav dokažeš, da se moti. To sploh še ni problem, ker za vse obstaja logična razlaga. Najbrž gre za vzorce v otroštvu, predvidevam, da velika odsotnost ene starševske figure v odnosu z drugim staršem, pomanjkanje pogovorov in po možnosti verbalne zlorabe. V večini primerov mislim, da je to ozadje, ki pripelje do take disfunkcionalnosti v odnosu do sebe in ostalih ljudi. Če gledaš starša, kako se prepirata, se žalita, živita en mimo drugega in na tak način ohranjata zakon, po možnosti še spočneta kakšnega otroka, je to žal tvoj vzorec ljubezni. Zdrav zakon torej izgleda tako. Ljubezen med dvema človekoma torej izgleda tako. Edina logično posledica je torej iskanje takšnih odnosov, saj konec dneva to večina išče. Ljubezen, partnerstvo, družino. Problem nastane, ker takšen človek ne ve, da išče destruktivne odnose. Zagotovo ga ne bo pritegnil nekdo, ki je do njega ljubeč, mu daje vso svojo pozornost in mu dokazuje, da ga ima iskreno rad. To za tega človeka žal ni ideja ljubezni. Če bi se ljudje malo več pogovarjali in brskali po sebi, bi se dalo stvarem priti do začetka in konca. Ampak kakor pravim, lažje je iti na kavo z neumno kolegico, ji povedat celo zgodbo o tvojem partnerju in poslušati dve uri njenih bedarij o tem, da te ima sigurno rad, ampak se dela nedostopnega. Da te ima v bistvu zelo rad, zato pa se boji samega sebe, ko je s tabo. Ni res. Verjemi človeku, ko ti pove takšne stvari. Če ti reče, da noče biti s tabo več, kot nekdo, ki te pokliče, ko ni nikogar drugega, ki bi zadovoljil njegove seksualne potrebe, je točno tako. Če bi mu bilo do tebe, v prvi vrsti tega pogovora sploh bilo ne bi. Nekdo, ki si te želi v svojem življenju, bo ves čas iskal načine, da bo temu tako. Sploh pa ti ne bo govoril, da te noče. Ne razumem, na kateri stopnji intelekta moreš biti, da razumeš tako osnovnošolsko stvar. Torej tukaj ni problem v človeku nasproti tebe ampak v tem, kaj si misliš o tem. Zakaj ostajaš v odnosu, zakaj se ti zdi prav, zakaj si nezmožen objektivno pogledati stvar, zakaj imaš neumno družbo? In se včasih res vprašam, do kam pelje pot takšnih ljudi. Ali prav tako dosežejo najvišjo točko sreče in izpopolnjenosti, ampak pač v svojih omejitvah? Koliko časa še imajo, preden se fatalno odločijo? Torej za odnos, ki bo trajal. Slab, destruktiven odnos. Z otrokom in neumno družbo in ogromno trpljenja. Otrok bo odraščal v slabem okolju in pobral vzorce, ki jih bo deležen. Kot torej njegova starša. In krog se zaključi. Nov osebek, ki bo nekomu sodba in vsem generacijam, ki sledijo. Katastrofa. Nekajkrat sem bila presenečena, da me ljudje dobro poslušajo v takih stvareh. Vidim, da nič ne vejo o njih, ampak nekako vedo, da kar delajo, ni prav. Problem je samo, da se o tem niso nikoli spraševali in razmišljali. Sem pa tudi opazila, da bi mogla biti s takimi ljudmi dlje časa, vsaj kakšne pol leta po nekaj ur na teden. Zaradi družbe in utečenega življenja je zelo težko kar prekiniti in vse začeti iz pogorišča starega življenja. Ni pa nemogoče in je zelo nujno. Mislim, da je to edini način, da rešim svet. Ne celega, mogoče pa vsaj svojega.

Ko hodim na kave, sem začela pozorno opazovati ljudi. Kaj delajo, ko pretiravajo. Kaj delajo, ko se lažejo, kako se premikajo, ko se bojijo. Kako dihajo, ko so vzhičeni. Zelo zanimivo je, da ljudi ni težko prebrati. Ker so tako očitni v svoji povprečnosti. Ne znajo skriti laži. V veliki večini so ljudje zelo slabi lažnivci, mi smo tisti, ki nismo pozorni in zato podležemo. Izdajajo se z gestami, pogledi in izborom besed. S pomanjkljivo pestrostjo čustev v tem, kar razlagajo. S čudno nenaravno držo. Po drugi strani pa nikoli ne berem pristnih ljudi. Ker ni potrebe. Z vsem kar povejo, dihajo sebe. Mogoče malo težko razumeti, če še nisi naletel na takšnega človeka. Na nekoga, ki nič ne reče, pa vse pove. Tako kot je, pristno in iskreno. Na nekoga, ki ti požene mravljince po hrbtu z intenzivnostjo svojega obstoja. In ko enkrat doživiš take ljudi, povprečnost nikdar več ne bo opcija. Takšni ljudje so kot novo upanje. Dajejo nam okus tistega, kar nekje obstaja. Nekje tam, nam nedosegljivo. Ampak vseeno popolnoma na dosegu roke. Dajejo nam senco občutka, ki ga iščemo, pa sploh ne vemo. Velikokrat sem razmišljala, da zame ni prostora na tem svetu. Odkar se zavedam same sebe in svojega obstoja v odnosu do tega, kar čutim, sem iskala več. Močnejšo ljubezen, višjo srečo, globljo žalost. Ker sem v sebi tako močno čutila ves svoj obstoj in vse kar me je obdajalo, sem se po neštetih neuspelih poskusih iskanja tega v drugih malo zbala, da problem ni v drugih, ampak v meni. Da iščem stvari, ki jih ni mogoče najti. Da bom vse življenje bežala od vseh in vsakogar, ker mi bo vse prazna lupina tistega, kar bi lahko bilo. Zato sem se zavlekla tja, ker sem se počutila domače. Sama vase.

Ko sem ljudem razlagala, da je življenje lepo in da čutim in vem, da me čakajo čudovite stvari, je bil odziv vedno naravnan v smer, kjer morem po njihovo nehat živet v tem svojem svetu. Ker stvari niso takšne. Ker je služba pasja in ker je zakon težka stvar. Ker so otroci uporniki in ker je neumno pričakovati, da je svet ena sama mavrica. Ker se bom tudi jaz enkrat mogla poročiti in prevzeti odgovornosti in biti odrasla, resna in vdana v usodo. Ne vem zakaj, ampak ob teh stvareh mi je zmanjkovalo zraka. Vedno sem se zatekala v knjige in v ure in ure pogovorov sama s sabo. Gledala zvezde in razmišljala, kako majhna in nepomembna sem proti vesolju. Kako majhni in nepomembni so ljudje okoli mene. Kako zelo kratko je življenje in kako raje umrem kot da opustim ta močan občutek trdnega prepričanja, da imam prav. Da lahko dosežem neverjetne stvari. Da me bo nekdo poslušal in bova ure in ure in ure odkrivala čudovite temne kotičke umov en drugega. Da bom našla okolje, kjer bom normalna. Kjer bodo ljudje razmišljali in se zavedali, da se sam odločiš za službo, ki te ne osrečuje. Da se sam odločiš za partnerja, ki te je prizadel. Da se sam odločiš za neposlušnost in neumnost, v kateri živiš. Sam se rodiš, sam boš umrl. Tvoja odgovornost do samega sebe je, da slediš stvarem, ki si jih želiš. Da zahtevaš zase čiste odnose in da postaneš človek, ki jih je vreden.

Ne razumem, zakaj se v nekaterih ta želja ne razvije kljub temu, da so dokaj inteligentni. Nič posebnega, povprečni. Ampak glede na preprostost osnovnih načel bivanja v svetu res preprosto ne razumem. Če sediš na kavi dve uri in se pogovarjaš negativne stvari o drugem človeku, si najbrž zmožen dojeti primitivnost svojega obnašanja. Ali ne? Dvomim, da je vedno problem samo v tem, da pač ne pomisliš na to. Kot je meni jasno, da ne vržem v kavarni kozarca v steno, gre tu za popolnoma enake stvari. Ker bi bilo to dejanje popolnoma nesmiselno in neumno. Kot so tudi takšni pogovori. Poznam ljudi, ki se ves čas spreminjajo glede na družbo, v kateri so. Mislim, da se niti sami ne poznajo. Konstantno se podrejajo trendom družbe okoli sebi in se potrudijo, da ugajajo. Ko jih gledam kako funkcionirajo mislim, da jim je takšno funkcioniranje celo pristno in naravno. Da se torej ne zavedajo svojega nihanja in sprotnega spreminjanja vrednot in prepričanj. Da so zmožni v vsakem trenutku prevzeti določeno identiteto. Nimajo svojih mnenj in nimajo razdelanega mnenja praktično o ničemer. Ko jih gledam z drugimi, nikoli ne pokažejo nezadovoljstva in nikoli ne izrazijo svojega mnenja, če bi lahko bilo slabo za njihov navidezni položaj. Živijo življenja, ki niso njihova.

V pogovorih z ljudmi me res preseneča, da sem v nekaj malo časa, ko sem začela zelo jasno izražati svoja razmišljanja in mnenja, dobila dostop do tako velikega števila osebnih stvari ljudi. To, da se obračajo name, očitno vseeno kaže na neko stisko. Spomnim se, kakšen je občutek, ko imaš polna pljuča besed in pred sabo gluha ušesa. Mislim, da je pogovor najpomembnejša stvar, pa ravno to ljudje tako grdo zlorabljajo za primitivne, nesmiselne interakcije. Zakaj vržeš stran nekaj ur svojega življenja v slabi druži, ki se ne zna pogovarjati druga kot o stvareh, ki te ne zanimajo in nimajo nobene intelektualne teže in vrednosti? Ker se ne poznaš. Ker ne veš niti kdo si, niti kdo želiš biti. Če si priznaš to, je že blazno dober začetek. In potem začneš brskat po sebi. Po svojem otroštvu, kako je bilo in kako bi moralo biti. Si res želiš tega, kar živijo tvoji starši? Ti nisi tvoji starši. Česa si želiš najbolj, ali verjameš v osebo, katera bi rad postal? Si želiš pozornosti in zakaj jo rabiš? Ali se res zavedaš, da si popolnoma vreden ljubezni? Da lahko postaneš dober človek. Da laganje ni sprejemljivo. Da nisi nič več vreden kot drugi. Si pripravljen izgubiti vse kar imaš, da zgradiš na novo? Veš, kakšen je občutek svobode? Veš, kako te vidijo drugi? Živiš svoje življenje? Si doživel stvari, ki si jih želiš? Samo sam sebi si lahko sodnik. Poznaš svojo temno stran? Ja, imaš jo. Imaš jo in najbrž je do konca nesprejemljiva in nasprotje vsega, kar želiš verjeti, da je dobro zate in prav. Se zavedaš, da jo moreš doživeti? Da ji moraš pustiti, da te zasvoji in da dosežeš najnižjo točko svoje vere vase. Da doživiš kako izgleda življenje, ko ni kakor mora biti. Ko izgubiš moralni kompas in samega sebe. In takrat se najdeš. Takrat zagori v tebi najmočnejša želja, da boš živel kakor je zate prav. Da boš zasledoval iskrenost in vrednote. Da boš vreden ljubezni in da boš sam vir le te. Da boš drugim pomagal, ko bodo na poti navzdol. Ampak vedno, da boš znal vedno in povsod najprej rešiti sebe.

Ko razmišljam o vsem, kar sem že doživela in kar še bom, me to hkrati navdaja z veseljem in žalostjo. Ko enkrat dosežeš točko, da stvari razumeš, ne bo nikoli več kakor je bilo preden si razumel, zakaj se odločaš, kakor se. Ker veliko odločitev ne boš več sprejel. Ne boš se več neumno in spontano zaljubil. Ne boš več slepo in brezpogojno zaupal. Ne boš se več nesebično razdajal. To so stvari, ki te naredijo ranljivega in te lahko uničijo. Ne ker te je strah, ampak ker razumeš in se racionalno skušaš izogniti pričakovanim izidom. Na tak način te ne more nihče prizadeti. Ampak tudi osrečiti ne. Včasih pomislim, da je moja sreča v tem, da ves čas iščem stvari, ki jih ne morem najti. Da je to tisto, kar me žene naprej. Dopuščanje možnosti, da bom na neki točki življenja našla nekoga, ki bo videl isto kot vidim jaz. Da bo čutil isto ogabo v povprečnih stvareh. Da bo zasledoval višji cilj in da bo neomajno obseden s svobodo. Samo zato, da si potrdim svojo lastno izjemnost, ko jo bom prepoznala v njem. Da si potrdim, da je več od življenja. Da ne samo obstajam, ampak da razumem, da zares razumem. Na nek način sem obsedena z občutkom, ki ga najdem v sebi in naravi. Ne v ljudeh. Morje obstaja neodvisno od mene, točno takšno kot je. In nebo in zvezde in veter, vse kar vidim in čutim takrat, je resnično. In takšne stvari zasledujem in se jih držim. Ko sem sama, stran od vseh, sem najbolj izpopolnjena. Da samo razmišljam in obstajam. Brez kakršnegakoli smisla. Da se analiziram in raziskujem svoje najlepše in najbolj temne misli. Ne bom se pretvarjala, da jih nimam. Včasih sem na točki, ko mi ni več do življenja, ker je tako popolno. Ker se počutim, da sem na najvišji točki in da sem našla svoj resnični smisel. In ko najdeš smisel, je zadeva tako izpopolnjena, da pravzaprav naprej ne gre. Da sem našla to v sebi in da mi svet nima več kaj dati. Vse nosimo že v sebi. Razumem, da vse interakcije, ki jih imam z ljudmi okoli sebe, doživljam kakor jih, zaradi sebe. In potem iščem razlog, zakaj sem se dobro počutila z nekom in ko ga najdem, ugotovim, da lahko o tem razmislim in odpravim vzrok. To naredim in najdem občutek v sebi. In ko to počneš znova in znova in znova, ustvariš v sebi nek svet, ki ga kontrolirano doživljaš zgolj iz lastne glave. Mogoče malo težko razumljivo, ampak zelo kmalu ugotoviš, da ne potrebuješ nikogar. Da je vse kar si kadarkoli doživel, samo v tvoji glavi. In v tistem trenutku izgubiš vse in ugotoviš, da si sam. Da boš do konca življenja sam. Ker ni nič več pomembno zate, razen kolikor si boš sam zaželel. Zaveš se svoje moči nad drugimi ljudmi, kako jih lahko manipuliraš in kako zelo jih lahko prizadeneš. Ali osrečiš. Kako si lahko karkoli hočeš, ampak si vseeno nič. Nepomemben, razen kar čutiš. Kar misliš in kar si želiš. Kakšen je torej smisel v vseh drugih interakcijah, razen tistih, s katerimi odkrivaš sebe? Ne razumem, zakaj bi želel ostati neumen in ne razumeti vsega tega. Videti vsega okoli sebe. Ni treba, da si diplomiran analitik, da ti je jasno, ko te ima nekdo za norca. Pa ljudje kar nočejo videti tega in razumeti. In v poplavi tisoč ljudi najdeš mogoče enega, ki si tega želi. Meni osebno je to eden najboljših občutkov na svetu. Ko lahko nekomu razlagam vse, kar vem. Ko mu lahko pomagam s tem, kar znam. S tem, kar sem si zložila v glavi z urami in urami poslušanja pogovorov izjemno inteligentnih objektivno naravnanih ljudi, z nešteto večeri osamljenega razmišljanja, s tisoč vojnami s seboj. Razgaljena jaz.

Complicated, really?

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 00:03:00 +0000

How many times you said it is the last time? How many times you practiced the speech in your head that never came out of your mouth? How many times you cried because you made the wrong decision just so you didn't hurt someone else? How many times you stayed silent just so you wouldn't get in an argument? Well, listen. I think you could be so great and I think you deserve to have all that world can give. But you need to stop screwing yourself over, for real.

I saw this photo on Pinterest and just stared at it for the longest time ever. This man is a homeless person. His eyes look like they hold millions of stories, he made my mind wander. I wish I could know these stories. And I wish I could ask him all these big questions I think about all the time. What he thinks about death? What he thinks about money? Why did he give up on himself? What made him feel smaller than life? I wonder what would be his best advice he could give me on life.

Whenever I talk about things like that with old people or kids, they give me most amazing answers. Honest, logical answers. Things I know but seem to ignore. Not on purpose, it's just - we are so obsessed with idea of being loved. We are so obsessed with doing what the crowd wants us to do. So obsessed with playing all of the roles that are liked in community. But just stop for a second. Somewhere, things went terribly wrong.

Ask the oldest man you know what he thinks of your last bad relationship. Ask a little boy that. They will tell you same exact thing. They will give you answers you already know. Old man will probably give you a life advice, too. But a little kid will just be so sad because he won't be able to understand why you would do something like that to yourself.

So I think things are very simple. I will just tell you some examples of how you pretend you don't know your answers and how you screw yourself over day by day, week by week, year by year. All of these stories are real - please, just learn your lesson and don't you ever treat yourself like that.

1. I'm seeing a married guy and I'm so sad, he said he will leave his family last year. He still sleeps with his wife and he can't tell anyone about me because he works in a law firm. But I know he loves me, I know he truly loves me more than anything. It's complicated.
You are right, it's very complicated. Not your situation but how your brain works. How you were able to create a fake reality in your head just so you can make it possible for him to have his cake and eat it, too. There are many reasons why this will never work and they are all good, if you just think about it for a little.
You are giving your happiness in hands of someone who has kids and lies to their faces. You are planning your future with someone who tells you he loves you and then goes home to have sex with his wife. While he lies to her face, too. You are giving your heart to someone who has no idea what love is, what honesty is, what family is. To someone who feels no need to tell mother of his children he doesn't want to be with her anymore. To someone who is basically telling you that lying is his way of avoiding confrontation. And there you are, waiting for him to give you everything you ever dreamt of. Still think it's complicated?

2. I don't know what to do. I'm working all the time and I have no money.
First of all, have a little chat with yourself. You are working all the time, really? I know people that have two jobs and go to school and do sports. If you were working all the time, you would have no time to even spend your money. So if you want to save some money and stop pretending you don't know where it is, here are some simple tips:
- stop buying expensive things you don't need. And no, you don't need a 500 dollar bag. You can decide to buy it, of course. But don't talk about being broke after you do that. It will make you look like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing with your life.
- if you don't have money, stop paying for other people's drinks. And stop going to parties and spending money on alcohol and cigarettes. And if you are out drinking every weekend, here's your answer to a mystery of disappearing money.
- stop eating outside. Buy some pasta and eat that thing for a week. No, it's not as fun as eating in a restaurant. But what do you think I ate when I had no money? Damn pasta, every day. And just think about how much money you spend on that every week.
- start writing down how much money you spend in a day and on what. You will probably be surprised how reckless you are with your earnings. Or not, because you probably already know but it's easier to just ignore responsibilities.

3. "She is my best friend!" Five minutes later. "She irritates me so much, she is so dumb. And she is back with that ugly guy." Five minutes later. "I'm gonna call her if she wants to join for a coffee." Five minutes later. "I'm so sorry I asked her to come, I don't even want her here. I hate that girl. But I'm not saying that because I'm the bad guy. She is, because she does things that make me feel like that and there is always something that makes me change my mind about cutting her out of my life. Actually she should thank me. I'm doing her a big favor for being her friend."
Maybe that is someone who pretends to be your friend. And if that's the case, I'm so sorry and I hope someone loves you enough to tell you that so you can get it over with.
But maybe that is you. You don't have to admit it but if you are that kind of person, you know exactly what I'm talking about. First of all, here are some rules I think the whole planet should stick to. Stop pretending you don't know saying things like that hurts people. Don't give yourself excuses for being a mean human being. Just because you have a bunch of friends that let you be the king of the mountain, that doesn't mean you are the king of all damn mountains. Just because you have a lot of money, you don't get to call other people ugly or dumb. Looking pretty doesn't make you beautiful on the inside. And honey, you too will fade. So, rules:
1. Other people's business is none of your business.
2. People don't live to make you happy. Do you live to make them happy? I thought so.
3. You are worth nothing more than anyone else.
4. To get respect, you must know how to give it.
5. Don't expect honesty if your toungue is full of lies.
6. Things happen to you, not for you. You are not the center of this universe.
7. Take responsibilities for what you are doing and for what is going on in your life. Or do you have that special someone that's gonna keep on saving you?
8. Grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time. Handle your feelings when it comes to small things. If you don't know how to, there are many good books and videos. Nobody has time for your drama.
9. What you say about Sally, says a lot more about you than it says about Sally.
10. Want to lose weight? Join the gym. Want to save money? Quit the gym. Want to keep people around you? Stop talking about the gym.

4. I only did that because I didn't want to hurt that person.
That's funny because people say this when it comes to most simple and obvious things. Like staying in a relationship with someone you love no more and so you choose to cheat on them instead of breaking up and never telling them. Really smart. Here are some most common things I heard in my life.
1. I only lied to him because he lied to me first. He deserves to know how that feels.
- Well besides making someone feel bad, you just made yourself a damn liar, too. And you could have just walked away. Oh but I know, you love him. Okay.
2. I totally hate that girl. But I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I guess I'll invite her to my birthday, too. I don't want to make it awkward by ignoring her.
- You don't like her, so you don't want someone like that on your birthday party. Because it will ruin it for you, obviously. And you try avoiding hurting her by hurting her on purpose by lying to her? Wait, what?
3. I don't want my girlfriend to know we're here, having drinks. She gets really jealous and I don't want her to worry over something that is not important.
- Mhm. If it was not important, you would tell her. And she is probably jealous for a reason since you are here with me, telling me I should keep us a secret from your girlfriend. Whoa, who wouldn't want to bet his money on you.
But on the other hand, if she always goes crazy for no reason, you should talk to her about it because it's gonna probably be a big problem later on in your relationship.
Or you can just continue lying to her and to yourself. Good luck with that big love you guys have.

5. I really really really want this. But I dont have enough time. And money. And time. And money. And time. Oh and did I say I don't have anough money?
Okay. If you want money, work. If you want more money, work more or work smarter. If that won't solve your problem, borrow it. If you don't want to work and if you don't want to borrow it, stop talking about wanting something because you are making everybody else who work their asses off, look stupid.
If you want to have this great body, you will have to work for it. Yes, I know. It's hard eating healthy and it's hard working out every day and it's hard saying no the good food. But I guess it's much easier saying "no" to what you want. Or at least think you want. And before I get judged, few years ago I lost 16 kilos in 6 months. I know what it takes.
If you want a perfect relationship, you should be perfect someone who deserves that perfect someone. No, lying and playing games and pretending you are doing all of that because of your bad past won't get you there. And I just have to tell you this - I know a lot of people that had really bad lives. Some of them lie, manipulate and cheat. They use their bad backround as an excuse for doing to other people what someone else did to them. Well, you know what? They should know how being hurt feels. So when they say they love you and then stab you in your back, guess what. They are using you and they are lifting their ego on your shoulders. But sure as hell they don't love you. Because I know a lot of people that have really sad life-stories and they went through different kinds of abuse but they have a heart of gold and their actions are nothing but love.

Ahh so much to say, so little time. It's 3:15 in the morning and I have a king-size jet lag. Basically, what I was trying to say - if it's important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find excuses.

And you always know when you are lying to yourself. So you should just start loving yourself and stop making decisions that are bad for you just because you're pretending you are making someone else a favor. I know it feels good when you feel liked and I know your ego gets so high on making other people look small. But stop screwing yourself over already, are you still 10? Be objective and look at things the way they are. Choose what's good for you even when you don't like it and make sure you use your brain and really think it through before making that decision.

A lot of bad things you went through could be easily avoided. I'm not saying all of them. And I am really sorry for all the bad that happened in your life and you had no control over it. But you don't live in your past and you are reading this and it means you're alive. So take your chances and stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop looking for excuses. Dear you, stop screwing with yourself. You know what to do, you got this.

Goodnight now and you have a good day. Best one!
Till next time.
Tjaša

A wise man knows what he says.

Tue, 02 Jan 2018 16:33:00 +0000

I'm starting to feel like I'm the crazy one here. I just can't seem to understand life for what it is. And I want to, I want to know how things really are. I'm not afraid it will burn my house to the ground and I'm not afraid I'll get hurt by the truth. Even if that means everything I believed in disappears in front of my wide opened eyes and my whole life slips through my fingers like grains of golden sand. But with every attempt to get closer I seem to just get further away.

I just can't seem to accept nor understand the fact there is no universal truth. I know we can only live in the world we believe in. That's why I think the realest thing we can get close to, is believing and feeling absolutely nothing. Everything in us and around us is our sweet illusion. That kind of scares and fascinates me at the same time because I know I can never escape my head. Never. I'm responsible for everthing that happens to me. How I see it, how I feel about it. What I think is who I become and who I am, until I choose different. But what I can't understand is people's need to find something outside themselves to give them purpose in life. How people try to own other people's mind and feelings, how they try to force their expectations on them. How people pretend they love when they have no idea what love is. They keep on looking for something to make them feel like they have a reason to try and choose to live to see another day. They choose to see unexplainable things in a way that can be implicated into their system of beliefs, so it makes perfect sense through their decision making as they go.

So you can understand how I think our minds work, we have to go back to the beginning. From the moment of conception, the baby's body begins to develop. In as little as three weeks, the baby's brain, spinal cord, heart and other organs begin to form. At about ten weeks baby's brain begin to function. It's from this point on that humans begin learning. Whatever there is going on at that time, will be implicated in our perception and start to form our belief systems on everything that fills our brain. So keep in mind that if you grew up in a different environment, you would be a different person, at least as far as your beliefs are concerned at the starting point of your own mental growth process and personal decision making.

I just got back from Los Angeles and one evening I had the most heart-breaking conversation with an old man. When we met, my heart stopped. I have never seen eyes so deep and full of stories and wisdom. I don't know why but I could feel his look straight to my heart. We just looked at each other in silence and I couldn't look away. His blue eyes were so honest it was almost unreal. He had a long white beard and he kind of looked like a wizard. With a beer, so a modern one I guess.
After he explained some big things to me, I was so ashamed. When we started talking, I kind of had this attitude of knowing my arguments and having life figured out. But boy was I wrong.

Being in love with another human being. He poured his heart out on this one. I had a strong opinion about it. How it is nothing but poison to your soul because you can never escape your true nature of wanting to control and own things. How love makes you blind and makes you do self-destructive decisions and things. How you can't escape giving your peace of mind in someone else's hands.

And he started talking. We were sitting next to each other and he did not even once looked away. His words were beyond anything I have ever heard and as I looked back into his eyes I just couldn't stop my tears from falling. Love is being there for someone no matter what. Love is taking care of that person no matter what. When they are at their best and when they are at their worst. Love is seeing beyond someone's weaknesses and helping them grow. Love is giving and expecting nothing in return. Love is being there for someone even when you think it's not deserved. Love is letting go of your own selfish wishes in order to make that person happy. Love is letting someone be their true self and accepting it no matter what. Love is being able to forgive. Love is being able to make a life-time promise and commitment.

And what he kept on saying really blew me away… it is not about finding that person. It is about you. Can you be that person that loves beyond anything imaginable? Can you stand next to them without expecting anything? Can you forgive when your ego is hurt? Can you love even when you are not loved the way you want to be loved? Can you love them when they are at their worst? Can you love them when things go bad and you get nothing in return? If you walk away when they lose their compass, did you really love them? If you turn away when they make weak decisions, did you really love? If you leave when they are just a sad shadow of what they could be… don't call it love. Can you be that person?

His words cut through me like a knife. I found out later on that he had a wife. She was his soulmate. He found true love in her and he was that man for her. He was for her everything he was talking about. And she was that for him. She died and he lost his purpose. That made me cry even more. He lost the love of his life and there he was with a beer in his hand, telling me how love is worth every single bad second of life it may bring. A night I will never forget.

It made me question how these things are presented to us during our lives. Humans are learning machines and we learn very fast, especially during our early years. So watching all these movies and bad realtionships going on around us gives us the wrong idea of real things. I really hope you have your own understanding of how real things look and feel like. I hope you are able to let yourself feel. Research has shown that we begin learning even while we are in the womb. This learning shapes the person we become and how we behave. So it would be irrational to ignore the fact that whatever you think is an universal truth, is actually your own idea you keep telling yourself to understand whatever there is going on around you and inside of you. Whatever you feel is what you choose to believe and what you choose to be your truth. And it has nothing to do with the reality of whoever is involved. So when it comes to love, build yourself into someone who knows how to cherish it. Someone who knows how to give without taking. Create your system of beliefs into a system of someone, who is able to give truw love. If you think you love when you give pieces of yourself just when it's convenient for you, don't use that word. It's a game you're playing. Not love.

So on my long flight back to Slovenia I tried to sleep and just couldn't. I went through movie playlist and found this. Please, watch it. It's based on a true story and it will break your heart. It's a perfect painted picture of what love is. Ah, I just can't get enough of this beautiful life.

Think of your mind and soul as of a computer - it operates based on how the software is programmed. And humans behave based on how we have programmed our system of beliefs. The problem is, our system of beliefs changes day to day, using that same system of beliefs to create itself. To put it other way, we create what we think of something by using information, we already created ourselves. So there is no escaping our programmed perception, as soon as we start thinking of something in any other way than just having a belief that it simply exists. Our made up realities have a lot to do with our values (what we think is good and bad), beliefs (what we think is true and false) and preferences (what we like and dislike). Here are the origins of our perception of love, friendships, anger, partnership, ourselves and so on. Of basically anything you can think of.

That's why I think you should really think about yourself. Because what you believe is your whole life as you know it. If you want someone to spend your life with, you should think about your reasons for wanting that because in order to find someone you'll be happy with, you must know what you are searching for. Love doesn't exsist as something that just flows around you. I think it's a product of our wish to have someone to share our lives with so we don't think of ourselves as beings who exist just to reproduce. Based on our system of beliefs we try to find someone that fits best in that picture of what we have learned through our lives to be love and to be a kind of person that brings you fulfillment. We developed this whole idea about finding the love of your life and that's okay. So let me just finish. Stop looking for someone to love you and just give love instead.

Till next time.
Tjaša

No one can and no one may.

Wed, 27 Dec 2017 00:37:00 +0000

Whoa, it's been a week since I've posted my last blog. As you can imagine, life must be really happening. Well, it is. It's great. I'm in Los Angeles, kind of having the time of my life.

That made me think about all the versions of my life that could be going on for me. If I decided to go to England for Christmas, my day would be completely different. I would be with different people, having different conversations, living different life. If I was born in China, there would be no life as I know it. Just so you know - this is my "working place" right now as I write this. Ahh, beautiful life.

I think that in order to find your place under the sun, you must first find it within yourself. Nobody will come and save you. You need to find that peace of mind and hold on to it, whatever it takes. You need a mind that is opened to everything, and attached to nothing. Open-minded people don't force their beliefs on others. They just accept all of life's perspectives and realities, doing their own thing in peace. You must understand your life will be whatever you decide it to be. When you think everything is someone else's fault, you'll suffer. But when you realize everything comes only from yourself, you will find your peace. It's just life, let go. Don't hold on to it. Don't hold on to things. Don't hold on to people. Just let it be as it is. The only thing you can affect and change is your mind. And don't even hold on to yourself as something there just is as it is. If you change who you are, you will change the world as you see it. And that's how your life changes day to day as you change through it.

You always make the decision. Even when you decide not to decide what your life will be, you made the decision to ignore your ability to understand yourself and who you have to be in order to be truly complete. Spend time with yourself, quiet your mind so the soul can speak. Soul, your subconscience, the life force, whatever you want to call your true self. You need to understand that wherever you'll be, your self will stay the same. So don't run around, stop getting lost in order to find yourself. If you're looking for the one person to change your life, just look in the mirror. It's always going to be just you. "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

I think I really know what I want now. I want to want nothing that keeps me away from myself. I understand now that you cannot travel the path until you become the path itself. I hope to keep that mindset of understanding that things always happen to me, not for me. I want more moments that are mine and mine only. I want to keep my peace of mind by expecting nothing from life. It's so funny, how much I have changed. I find it absolutely useless to expect life to be as I want it. Yes, I work hard in order to achieve what I wish for, but to expect anything? No. I don't want to ruin things by defining them through my eyes. You need to take things as they are. Nothing can ever be anything else but what you think of it. And you must understand that's not how it really is, it is real just for you. Do you really think the whole universe exists just to serve you? Don't you think you are so far away from the nature and everything that surrounds you so perfectly? Your mind can't even understand time and you think you understand life itself? Don't flatter yourself. Everything you see and everything that surrounds you, is not yours to define and own. Let go. Try to find happiness inside of yourself, not inside other people. Try to find it where you are, not where you wish you were. Happiness is not just a feeling. It's a way of life. Relax, breathe. Everything will be okay. If you expect nothing, nothing can go wrong.

So as I was thinking of all the versions of my life, I realized again I can be whoever I want to be. And this gives me great comfort. If at some point of my life I just won’t feel okay and I won’t feel like I'm being all I could be, the change is at reach. Life is good.

I have a lot more to say but gotta go watch the ocean now. Why? Because I want to. Real things, beautiful things. I'm so damn happy.

If you are reading this, you are alive. And that is reason enough to smile. Till next time.
Tjaša

Chi, Prana, Ki. Yourself.

Wed, 20 Dec 2017 07:03:00 +0000

All of the problems you have, all of the worries, all of the stress, all of the love, all of the feelings. It's all in your head. It's not real, it doesn't exist. Here's what I think.

We have the power to feel the energy around us, to embrace it, to make it a part of us. Now before you start thinking about what I said in your own way. Energy travels and transforms all the time, you know that. Energy transformation is the process of changing energy from one of its forms into another. In physics, energy is a quantity that provides the capacity to perform many actions - some as simple as lifting or warming an object. In addition to being convertible, energy is transferable to a different location or object, but it cannot be created or destroyed.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed. Read it again. It's scientifically proven. I think our human body is a creation of much more than we can fully understand. Our body is just a machine through which flows the energy of life. As strange as it might sound to you, how could it be any other way? I'd be happy to hear any of your well-argumented ideas.

I started reading some literature and I don't know why I had this kind of strange feeling when I started writing this. I thought to myself - people won't understand. People think meditation is what crazy people do. People think chakras are what strange people talk about. You know what, I couldn't care less. Last year I had some experiences that are beyond words. I talked about it in my other blog - Life, you keep my soul thirsty - And that was just one of the experiences. I really started changing, I really started feeling things around me and seeing things in people and myself I was never able to see before.

We basicaly don't have words for feelings like that because that feelings are not produced by our brain. Of course that's just what I think. I could be wrong. But I think we ignore something that's bigger than we could ever imagine. We are bigger than we could ever imagine. You are, too.

It's funny how the more I use my mind to think about everything the more I'm able to see and then work with in my head and the more opened I am to things around me and the more I'm able to understand. It's happening to me lately that I feel myself on a whole different level. It's kind of strange feeling but whenever I think about my feelings of something or about my experience of something, I really start to feel like I exist just in my upper part of the head. Like above my forehead. And sometimes I feel strange tingling and when I get really excited about some idea and I go beyond what I ever thought about, I even get a headache in that area.
And I feel it right now, writing this.

So this is what I found and I think is closest to how I see it - there are supposed to be seven chakras or energy centers located in your body that act as windows to allow your body to breathe spiritually. Fifty years ago, we knew practically nothing about the human energy field. All we basically knew was that the food we ate gave us energy. The more we ate, the more energy we had. And that still is the information most people live with. But come on, you must know there's more to you than that. Don't pretend you don't know how to explain that fire in your chest, that drive in your mind, that hate and love you feel.

Over the past few decades, information about the human energy system increased. There are numerous books about the human aura, the human energy field, and the chakras. But still, with all this information - how do we know that this energy field exists, especially for the newcomer?

The human energy system, like anything else new to your internal field of awareness, is something to which you must become intuitively sensitized and attuned. Anything that cannot be seen requires faith that it exists. After all, we are talking about the human energy system. The human energy system comprises the core of the invisible presence that expresses our spirituality. The aura (spirit) is the field of energy that gives us life as a sentient being.

There is a lot we see. But there is so much we don't. I think the closest you get to the human soul is looking at someone's eyes. Eyes tell you so much. More than words ever could. It's so strange how sometimes you meet someone's gaze and the world around you disappears. It happened to me before. You kind of lose your sense of time and the space around you. Like when you love someone so much and you just can't help but find home in their eyes.

It's not physical. It's on a whole different level. You need to see this, you'll know exactly what I talk about. It's one of the most powerful things I have ever seen in my life.

What we see is manifested energy, our physical body. What we don’t see is invisible energy, such as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and all the characteristics that make up your personage.

We have seven major chakra centers, five of which are located along the spine. Chakra is Sanskrit for "wheels or centers of radiating life force." The wheels are actually a series of vortexes within the body. The energy of our chakras can help us greatly with balancing our stride along the path of self-discovery.

I just want you to get some basic information about chakras:

The first chakra is the root chakra and is located at the base of the spine. This chakra governs our will to live and our life force energy, and is the grounding link between us and the earth. It represents our physical energy, stability, passion, and transmutation. The color of this chakra is red, and its element is earth. It is linked with the reproductive system, lower extremities, legs and feet, testes, large intestine, rectum and prostate.

The second chakra is the sacral chakra and is located a few inches below the navel. This chakra affects our emotions, desire, creativity, sexuality, appetite, patience, endurance, self-confidence, and well-being. The color of this chakra is orange, and its element is water. It is linked with the reproductive system, ovaries, bladder, kidneys, adrenals, and is the center for detoxifying the body.

The third chakra is the solar plexus and is located a few inches above the naval. This chakra represents our personal power, will, purpose and strength, vitality, ambition, and decisions. The color of this chakra is yellow, and its element is fire. It is linked with the digestive system, stomach, gallbladder, liver, spleen, and small intestine.

The fourth chakra is the heart center and is located at the heart in the center of the chest. This chakra governs our ability to love unconditionally and aligns our love with divine love. It affects our sense of harmony, joy, peace, and acceptance. The heart chakra balances the other charkas. Its color is green, and its element is air. The heart chakra is linked to the heart and pulmonary activities, immune system, thymus, and tissue regeneration. It awakens our higher compassion and innate healing abilities.

The fifth chakra is your throat chakra and is located at the base of the throat. This chakra reflects the power of the spoken word, the ability to speak our truth, and communicate clearly and effectively. It represents listening, taking responsibility for our actions, and speaking things into being (assists in manifesting abundance). The color of this chakra is blue, and its element is spirit. It is linked to the throat, thyroid, esophagus, mouth, teeth, and vocal apparatus.

The sixth chakra is the third eye and is located between the eyebrows. This chakra is associated with the pineal gland and stimulates inner sight, clairvoyance, intuition, creative imagination, psychic abilities, and self-realization. Often referred to as the mind’s eye, this visionary center transcends multidimensional realities. Its color is indigo, and it does not have an element. This chakra is linked to the pituitary gland, brain, endocrine system, sinuses, eyes, ears, and face.

The seventh chakra is the crown chakra and located at the top of the head. This chakra reflects our spirituality, higher mind, knowing, our connection to God, and expansion of our consciousness. This chakra is the link to our past lives and the effects those energies have on us in the present. The color of this chakra is violet/white, and it does not have an element. It is linked to the pineal gland and nervous system.

So if you are reading my blogs and listening to my vlogs, you know I started meditating. I had a lot of problems with sleeping and a lot of energy I had no idea how to put direction to. I thought I'm only happy when I'm running around, laughing out loud. I talked about that before, too. Whoa, I guess those of you who follow my blogs, are really getting big pieces of me.

When I meditate, I keep on seeing purple color. And I talked about it with my brother and he told me something about his friend that is experiencing same things that I do. And my life is really changing, I feel like I'm really starting to feel connected to myself and to the world around me. And what I actually wanted to talk about is - all of the problems you have, all of the worries, all of the stress, all of the love, all of the feelings. It's all in your head. It's not real, it doesn't exist.

It makes perfect sense to me. When I meditate, I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything, but at the same time I feel everything so much it's overwhelming. You just feel. You shut of your brain and you stop putting names on energies. You stop calling feelings happiness and fear and joy. You just feel. And it can't be negative and it can't be positive. Everything is just what you feel and how you see it - with the information in your brain. But your brain is just a machine, running on your energy. It's just a translator so you can understand yourself. But you... you are pure energy. You, my dear, are the universe.

Till next time.
Tjaša

You are here now.

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 10:15:00 +0000

When you start a journey of discovering yourself, you come to a point where you must decide who you want to be. You don't just happen. you are a complex result of your decisions and who you are at the moment, is making the decision who to be. It's complex - creating who you want to be, while being who you are.

As I told you a lot of times, you can be whoever you want to be. But I came across a thought on how creating yourself is actually killing everything you are. When you make decisions on your every single action and word, you become this created person. And when you start controlling your thoughts, too - what's there left of you? Of course, that's how you exist - through your decisions and thoughts and actions - but when you separate your being in two (the one who thinks and the one who controls it) you start to become more of the one who controls your mind than your mind actually. You follow?

So when thinking about yourself, you should focus more on who you are and what you really want and not so much on the person that you made up in your head. So if you are someone who can be trusted, manifest it. But if you are someone that can't keep a secret - that's who you are. And maybe instead of changing everything you are, just be honest and tell people you can't be trusted. And there will be people who will take that in package with you and be okay with it.

If you think you will never be able to be loyal in a relationship, and you have problems with cheating, think about what YOU want. Do you want an honest life-time relationship? Because if you do - you need to stop cheating. But maybe you just want to be with different people. And I know a lot of people that are in a relationship but lie and cheat. They pretend they want the commitment, but they really just want someone to hold and to fall asleep with. Well that's okay. Just don't lie to your partner's face. Find someone who wants an open relationship, too. But don't force yourself into monogamy if that's not what you want, just because other people say it's the right thing to do.

If you need a lot of attention, go get it. Everybody will notice it - but not everybody will have a problem with it. If you are surrounded by people that find it annoying and their opinion means a lot to you, you will change yourself into something you are not. And you will stop being loud and you will stop telling everyone your life stories. But if you were srrounded by people that love your big energy and love your stories, you would stay who you are and it would be all good and great.

So, if you moved to a country where nobody knows you and you got a fresh start, who would you be? Be honest. We all know we hide our deepest wishes and we pretend our dark sides are not there. They are most obvious when it comes to sexual desires.

I think our sexuality is our most primarily being. We are so weak when it comes to it, and it's that weird energy in us. A lot of people talk about sex like it's a bad thing. Like being seductive is a bad thing. Like having a lot of partners during your lifetime is a bad thing. Like talking about it is a bad thing. Like being proud you are sexual is a bad thing. It's that fire in us that burns stronger than many have courage to admit because they are afraid of where it might take them. Listen to yourself, discover other parts of your existance, too.

What I'm thinking and talking about right now, reminded me of this song. I listened to the whole video thousands of times. Lana Del Rey, Ride. A masterpiece. Listen to it, and listen good.

I try to really figure myself out, day by day. This summer I had a little down-time. I do classes all the time, day by day, everyday. And it makes me so happy, it really does. But this summer, I decided to take some time off. I sat in my car in Slovenia and just drove to the Croatian coast. When I was sitting on the beach alone and I was so free of all responsibilities, it really broke my heart. I was so free. It was beyond what words can describe. Wind on my face, silence, peace, sound of the ocean waves. Oh, the ocean. Home. Nobody to send email to, nobody to call. No classes to take, no classes to teach. Just me, myself and I. It felt like nothing ever felt before. It felt like me, just me.

It made me question everything I do. Do I really do what I want or is it just what I decided to do? Do I want my life to be a damn masterpiece or do I want to just exist and feel it for what it is? Did I trick myself into thinking I have to be somebody I don't want to be? So I just sat there for hours and think. I was so happy and sad at the same time. It felt so real and so fulfilling, but nothing was really happening. I was just sitting there with the sun on my face. But in some strange kind of way it felt like I found something I didn't even know I was looking for so desperately.

When september started and I started teaching again, I was so numb. I came back to my good life but I kept looking for the ocean. I didn't know what to do. So I was honest - I told my dancers how I feel, I told them everything. I told them how I want to just move to another country. How I think there is so much more for me to live than my hometown. And I was numb for the whole week. My mind went places and got lost in the big sky of options and freedom.

And we talked about it, a lot. I realized I was looking for things that are already in me. As funny as it sounds, the endlessness of the beautiful ocean helped me see it. I started feeling it again. The drive, the joy. Why I dance, why I love these people in my classes. They are damn precious, my life with them is amazing.

So after that, I started coming back to myself more. To my deep thoughts, to my heart. To what I feel, to what I truly want. I feel no shame in things I did in my life. It felt right in the moment. And I'm doing what feels right now. I meditate, I talk, I listen, I feel. Be whoever you want to be, shape yourself into someone that knows what you want and how to get it. But don't forget - while going there, you are already here.

Till next time.
Tjaša